RE: Alcoholics Anonymous and Drug Addiction
October 22, 2014 at 8:19 pm
(This post was last modified: October 22, 2014 at 8:22 pm by Dorian Gray.)
My experience with AA has been more or less neutral. I've been to hundreds of meetings, some court-ordered, some not, some required by a sober home I once lived in. The last time I spent a year in AA (attending at least 3 meetings per week), I was sober, but that was because we would get kicked out of the sober home if we drank.
I was mostly agnostic at the time of attending AA through my 20s and 30s. I have worked the steps, at least as far as I could "fake" it. Step 2 (Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity) was iffy for me. I never "came to believe" this. Step 5 (Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs) was, according to my sponsor, supposed to alleviate a heavy weight off my shoulders. It didn't. I think I went out and ate a burger after this.
Step 6 (Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.) Uh, yeah...I'm ready...whatever...meh. Step 7 - (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings) Again, it was like, whatever. And, why does my "Higher Power" have to be a Him with a capital H and why do I "humbly" have to do this? Kind of strikes me as a pointer to a Christian god....
Step 9 (Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others) was and is an important step, because a lot of alcoholics have a lot of guilt over people they hurt in the past. I got bogged down here, because my step 9 was going to take me years to complete. Around this time I left the sober home and started drinking again. Stopped again months later of my own accord, started again, stopped again.
Near the end of my AA life, I was really only attending to see if I could network with people who might be able to help me find a decent job.
Just for the record, I was and AM what they call a real alcoholic. I have lost everything I have ever had or owned many times over. After the sober home experience, my wife (who was also a serious alcoholic) and I couldn't find any gainful employment other than washing dishes and fast food work. Contrary to those that say humbleness and humility are the way to sobriety, I found the contrary to be true. I was once successfully self-employed with all the amenities of a good life. Washing dishes and flipping burgers just made me want to drink even more. I once wanted to get a job at McDonalds just so I could buy a gun with my first paycheck and blow my brains out.
Eventually we both took to the streets, lived under bridges, and panhandled for booze, and maybe, food. Funny how food always came third after vodka and cigarettes. My wife died last year laying next to me under a bridge on a frigid night. The coroner's report cited death due to "chronic alcoholism." We were each polishing off a half gallon of vodka a day for years. And this, you have to understand, was just maintenance drinking - we never slurred our words or stumbled around, or got into trouble.
Now, after my 8 month stint at a Christian rehab, which threw me into total atheism, I am only saying that if anybody should have ever turned to AA or God, or whatever, it would be me. I have been sober now for almost a year again, and it's not due to god, or AA or any of that. I wish I could attribute my sobriety to a testimony that would be inspiring to spiritual people or AA people, but it's me that keeps me sober. Not god, not AA, not any outside influence. Maybe I've had enough. Maybe I'm not done yet. Sometimes I feel like going "back out." But this time it would be to do it right and finish the insanity that I started.
I have more grief and depression now than ever. I can't find any meaningful employment, even though I'm very computer literate and college educated. I have some clothes and about $20 to my name. I still miss my wife dearly. I live with two morons who knew my wife peripherally - one who has only read the Bible and that's all she'll ever read, and her son, who has delusions of grandeur and a pill habit and pot smoking that keep him housebound. I see all this around me and I wish I could start a meeting of people who could gather for some effective non-spiritual help. It's what I feel I should do with whatever remains of my life, but I just feel that AA doesn't really help people. If it does, they probably were going to quit anyway and just attribute their spontaneous remission to AA.
I know there are people out there like me. Maybe not so many that had the same experiences I do, but I was immersed in AA for a very long time and found it lacking because I couldn't swallow the god pill. Oh, and I don't see alcoholism as the main problem. It's a symptom of a much deeper issue, some find a "spiritual" answer. I looked in the face of religion, and discarded it as a delusion, so now all I have is stark reality, and it's sometimes a lonely thing, but I just don't believe in god.
I was mostly agnostic at the time of attending AA through my 20s and 30s. I have worked the steps, at least as far as I could "fake" it. Step 2 (Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity) was iffy for me. I never "came to believe" this. Step 5 (Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs) was, according to my sponsor, supposed to alleviate a heavy weight off my shoulders. It didn't. I think I went out and ate a burger after this.
Step 6 (Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.) Uh, yeah...I'm ready...whatever...meh. Step 7 - (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings) Again, it was like, whatever. And, why does my "Higher Power" have to be a Him with a capital H and why do I "humbly" have to do this? Kind of strikes me as a pointer to a Christian god....
Step 9 (Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others) was and is an important step, because a lot of alcoholics have a lot of guilt over people they hurt in the past. I got bogged down here, because my step 9 was going to take me years to complete. Around this time I left the sober home and started drinking again. Stopped again months later of my own accord, started again, stopped again.
Near the end of my AA life, I was really only attending to see if I could network with people who might be able to help me find a decent job.
Just for the record, I was and AM what they call a real alcoholic. I have lost everything I have ever had or owned many times over. After the sober home experience, my wife (who was also a serious alcoholic) and I couldn't find any gainful employment other than washing dishes and fast food work. Contrary to those that say humbleness and humility are the way to sobriety, I found the contrary to be true. I was once successfully self-employed with all the amenities of a good life. Washing dishes and flipping burgers just made me want to drink even more. I once wanted to get a job at McDonalds just so I could buy a gun with my first paycheck and blow my brains out.
Eventually we both took to the streets, lived under bridges, and panhandled for booze, and maybe, food. Funny how food always came third after vodka and cigarettes. My wife died last year laying next to me under a bridge on a frigid night. The coroner's report cited death due to "chronic alcoholism." We were each polishing off a half gallon of vodka a day for years. And this, you have to understand, was just maintenance drinking - we never slurred our words or stumbled around, or got into trouble.
Now, after my 8 month stint at a Christian rehab, which threw me into total atheism, I am only saying that if anybody should have ever turned to AA or God, or whatever, it would be me. I have been sober now for almost a year again, and it's not due to god, or AA or any of that. I wish I could attribute my sobriety to a testimony that would be inspiring to spiritual people or AA people, but it's me that keeps me sober. Not god, not AA, not any outside influence. Maybe I've had enough. Maybe I'm not done yet. Sometimes I feel like going "back out." But this time it would be to do it right and finish the insanity that I started.
I have more grief and depression now than ever. I can't find any meaningful employment, even though I'm very computer literate and college educated. I have some clothes and about $20 to my name. I still miss my wife dearly. I live with two morons who knew my wife peripherally - one who has only read the Bible and that's all she'll ever read, and her son, who has delusions of grandeur and a pill habit and pot smoking that keep him housebound. I see all this around me and I wish I could start a meeting of people who could gather for some effective non-spiritual help. It's what I feel I should do with whatever remains of my life, but I just feel that AA doesn't really help people. If it does, they probably were going to quit anyway and just attribute their spontaneous remission to AA.
I know there are people out there like me. Maybe not so many that had the same experiences I do, but I was immersed in AA for a very long time and found it lacking because I couldn't swallow the god pill. Oh, and I don't see alcoholism as the main problem. It's a symptom of a much deeper issue, some find a "spiritual" answer. I looked in the face of religion, and discarded it as a delusion, so now all I have is stark reality, and it's sometimes a lonely thing, but I just don't believe in god.
