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This time last year I was new to being an atheist. My life was undergoing so many good changes while my brain was trying to find a way to recover from the past I had recently escaped from.
I was struggling a lot with feelings of shame for being "crazy". I tried so hard to internalize my issues. Bury my monsters, if you will. I stopped sleeping to avoid the nightmares and the nightmares started finding me in my waking hours.
I joined the forum in March. I think I probably mostly did a great job of appearing normal here.
June...June was a bad month for me. At the end of it I ended up in the hospital for a while. Then hiding out in my grandmother's basement somewhat terrified of being attacked for most of July. July was a huge changer for me though. I met someone and became close friends with him. He didn't scare me. I trusted him. In a strictly friendship type of way.
He changed everything for me. He made me reevaluate my opinion about trust and love. He showed me love in a way I had never seen it. His friendship helped me remember my humanity. I am a person. I can be valued. I have worth. There are people who really care about me and I don't have to be afraid to let them in. I accidentally fell in love with him
More changes that I can't really share, but I'll just say they were huge changes to my life. I feel like I am starting to come out of my shell for real, not just sexually. I feel like a real person. I feel loved and am in love.
Apart from one minor setback I haven't had any real life nightmares (yes my therapist called them hallucinations but I don't like the word just because it makes me feel psycho) in several months.
I haven't talked to anyone in my family for months. I miss my sisters and nephews the most. It hurts sometimes but I have made a vow to cut out everyone who is toxic to myself and my children. I am going to pave a new life for us. One where our futures look bright and safe and happy.
This year is looking so good for us. I am excited about it. I hope everyone else is having a great start to their new year. No matter what you've been through or are going through, there's always a reason to keep going. Find what makes your life beautiful, for me it's the people I love, it makes every struggle worth it. I've been getting closer to you people and I like that
This year I want to be a fire engine.
MM
"The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions" - Leonardo da Vinci
"I think I use the term “radical” rather loosely, just for emphasis. If you describe yourself as “atheist,” some people will say, “Don’t you mean ‘agnostic’?” I have to reply that I really do mean atheist, I really do not believe that there is a god; in fact, I am convinced that there is not a god (a subtle difference). I see not a shred of evidence to suggest that there is one ... etc., etc. It’s easier to say that I am a radical atheist, just to signal that I really mean it, have thought about it a great deal, and that it’s an opinion I hold seriously." - Douglas Adams (and I echo the sentiment)
