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There's a pretty recent book (can't find it right now, so I have to stay vague) about the consequences war has on the ones actually waging it on the frontlines. The author investigated tons of letters and interviews from recent wars. And by recent I mean as far back as WWII.
When it came to pilots, he made a pretty gruesome discovery, he described in three stages. At first, the pilots fought with their feelings of guilt, especially when they hit civilians. In the second stage they grew apathetic and in the third stage they actually grew fond of the experience. Like going for a hunt, such as we might enjoy killing another boss in a video game. And this goes for all the pilots on all sides in all the wars, he investigated.
I once watched a documentary about WWII where they interviewed an American bomber pilot and asked about his feelings. He had none. Only at one instance, according to his own account, he came back to humanity. After flying a bomb raid on a big city, some bombs were stuck and they had to get rid of them before landing. They dropped them and hit some remote farm house. He, just having become a father, suddenly thought about the possibility of having hit children with these last bombs. So the city and the bomb carpets were anonymous and didn't invoke guilt or reflection. But the remote house suddenly screamed victim to him.
You made another point about collaterals. Let's drop the euphemisms, shall we? Collaterals is what the government and the military wants us to think about innocent victims being cought in the blaze. They are innocent victims and they are at the very core of the problem which goes as far back as bomber Harris. Bombing civilians never achieved anything other than making the survivors rally bahind their leaders, thereby making it harder to win an actual conflict. It's creating more enemies, creating more determined enemies, who want to avenge their killed loved ones. Ultimately it's fundamentally stupid to think you could win a war from above.
There is some detachement from the victims, just as to an artillery gunman. Yet, to decapitate a defenseless person or set him on fire in a cage still seems more cruel to me. People under bombardement can still run for cover.
