RE: Creed's Corner: A Collection of the Morbid, Mysterious, and Mrandom
March 31, 2015 at 11:25 am
It's difficult to explain what I mean "never understand." Taken broadly, that sounds like I'm saying I simply cannot be understood. That's not entirely it.
It's...a relationship thing. An intimacy thing.
Since I bare my...soul, for lack of a better word, on this board so freely, I guess I might as well expound on that a bit.
See...one of the most overwhelming longings I have is for companionship. Romantic companionship, intimacy, affection. I fear abandonment and pervasive loneliness. I'm TERRIFIED of them, in fact. So powerful are these two parts of my personality that once I am in a relationship, my mentality switches over to one of fear. Once I am in a relationship, I don't know what to do with it. In turn, I become afraid that because I don't know what I'm doing, so much so that I become afraid I'm actually doing it wrong, or will be doing it wrong. I become convinced [and can you really blame me?] that I'm going to fuck it up [or that I already am] and lose what I have. I mean "convinced" in a very literal sense, to the extent that I will work to distance myself from my partner, to "dull the blow," as it were. Sometimes, if I particularly like the person I am with, I will try to push them away, to hasten the break-up that I am so sure is inevitable, so that they will not hurt as much when they leave me; if they hate me, they won't feel as sad or unhappy. It's not so painful, hating someone, but feeling abandoned and left behind? That very much is. Better for them to hate me than to feel abandoned by me.
I want love so much that when I have it, the thought of losing it is terrifying. So terrifying, in fact, that I am sure that it will happen. So all I can do is control how I lose it.
When I can manage to avoid that, I still feel terrified of the loss. I withdraw, I distance myself. That way, if/when the break-up happens, I'll be insulated from the blow to some extent.
Think of it like an abused dog; it wants to trust you, but its past and its experiences have taught it to bite at any hand that comes close to it. You may love it, and want to show that, and it may want to acknowledge it, but it's indoctrinated to fear your affections.
That's basically me when it comes to romance and affection.
I don't expect to be understood. I know better. And what's worse is that I know that this will sabotage any relationship I try to get into. It's been doing it all my life up to this point, and I don't see it changing any time soon. I'm not getting younger. Almost everyone my age that I know is getting married, starting families. Meanwhile I haven't been in a relationship that's lasted more than three months since I was 17. Ten years ago.
It's really hard to see anything but the negatives. I really wish I could see the positives, but, if they're there, I can't see them. And goodness help me but I've been looking. Now this. One of my closest friends couldn't even understand me, couldn't work with me on this for more than a couple months.
That fear of abandonment has exploded into paralyzing terror. That fear of loneliness has exploded into screaming despair. I don't think I have it in me to try again. I don't think I can survive another try. And I've done this experiment enough times now that the hypothesis has become theory; every attempt is going to result in me being abandoned, hurt, and discarded.
I can take a hint. I'm not worth the trouble. Not every story has a happy ending. And not every person finds the love of their life.
Maybe this sounds like I'm moping and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am. I feel helpless, hopeless, and defeated. Nothing's working, nothing's going right. It's getting harder and harder just to get out of bed. Every day drifts by in a hazy, colorless blur, with no passage of time noted or remarked upon. I go to sleep lonely and afraid. And all the words of encouragement others give me comes through as if spoken underwater. I feel everything closing in on me, I feel myself shutting down slowly and I don't know how to stop it. I'm at the point where now I feel like if I got into a relationship, it would be out of pity from the other rather than out of any genuine affection for me.
The idea of therapy doesn't appeal at all, either. I'm a severe case of borderline personality disorder. My prognosis is a <10% success rate for remission beginning within five years of therapy, and only a 50% chance at the eight-year mark, with a high risk of relapse (~70%) within four years of initial remission.
My history with the odds and chances and luck is basically one of "just don't bother." Ask anyone who knows me personally and they will tell you, if it can go wrong for me, it will/does. I can't catch a break no matter what I do, no matter how hard I fight. I've spent most of my live struggling just to survive and exist. The concept of actually living is foreign to me.
I don't know what else to say. I'm even losing the ability to express myself these days.
I don't know. I just don't know. About anything. About myself, about my life. About who I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I want... I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't fucking know. I'm losing my mind, I feel myself slipping away and I can't connect with anything or anyone anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm scared and resigned, in pain and numb all at once. I don't know what I'm feeling. I want to express myself. I can't do it adequately. I want to put my thoughts to words but it's all coming out insufficient, lackluster, half-correct but with so much missing. I feel like I have no mouth, but I want to scream. I need to scream. I have to scream. But I can't. I don't know how. Like I'm trying to describe color to a creature with no eyes. Or I'm blind and trying to understand color as explained to me by the croaking of a bullfrog.
I want out of this. I don't know how to get out of this. I know of only one way. I don't want to go that way.
It's...a relationship thing. An intimacy thing.
Since I bare my...soul, for lack of a better word, on this board so freely, I guess I might as well expound on that a bit.
See...one of the most overwhelming longings I have is for companionship. Romantic companionship, intimacy, affection. I fear abandonment and pervasive loneliness. I'm TERRIFIED of them, in fact. So powerful are these two parts of my personality that once I am in a relationship, my mentality switches over to one of fear. Once I am in a relationship, I don't know what to do with it. In turn, I become afraid that because I don't know what I'm doing, so much so that I become afraid I'm actually doing it wrong, or will be doing it wrong. I become convinced [and can you really blame me?] that I'm going to fuck it up [or that I already am] and lose what I have. I mean "convinced" in a very literal sense, to the extent that I will work to distance myself from my partner, to "dull the blow," as it were. Sometimes, if I particularly like the person I am with, I will try to push them away, to hasten the break-up that I am so sure is inevitable, so that they will not hurt as much when they leave me; if they hate me, they won't feel as sad or unhappy. It's not so painful, hating someone, but feeling abandoned and left behind? That very much is. Better for them to hate me than to feel abandoned by me.
I want love so much that when I have it, the thought of losing it is terrifying. So terrifying, in fact, that I am sure that it will happen. So all I can do is control how I lose it.
When I can manage to avoid that, I still feel terrified of the loss. I withdraw, I distance myself. That way, if/when the break-up happens, I'll be insulated from the blow to some extent.
Think of it like an abused dog; it wants to trust you, but its past and its experiences have taught it to bite at any hand that comes close to it. You may love it, and want to show that, and it may want to acknowledge it, but it's indoctrinated to fear your affections.
That's basically me when it comes to romance and affection.
I don't expect to be understood. I know better. And what's worse is that I know that this will sabotage any relationship I try to get into. It's been doing it all my life up to this point, and I don't see it changing any time soon. I'm not getting younger. Almost everyone my age that I know is getting married, starting families. Meanwhile I haven't been in a relationship that's lasted more than three months since I was 17. Ten years ago.
It's really hard to see anything but the negatives. I really wish I could see the positives, but, if they're there, I can't see them. And goodness help me but I've been looking. Now this. One of my closest friends couldn't even understand me, couldn't work with me on this for more than a couple months.
That fear of abandonment has exploded into paralyzing terror. That fear of loneliness has exploded into screaming despair. I don't think I have it in me to try again. I don't think I can survive another try. And I've done this experiment enough times now that the hypothesis has become theory; every attempt is going to result in me being abandoned, hurt, and discarded.
I can take a hint. I'm not worth the trouble. Not every story has a happy ending. And not every person finds the love of their life.
Maybe this sounds like I'm moping and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am. I feel helpless, hopeless, and defeated. Nothing's working, nothing's going right. It's getting harder and harder just to get out of bed. Every day drifts by in a hazy, colorless blur, with no passage of time noted or remarked upon. I go to sleep lonely and afraid. And all the words of encouragement others give me comes through as if spoken underwater. I feel everything closing in on me, I feel myself shutting down slowly and I don't know how to stop it. I'm at the point where now I feel like if I got into a relationship, it would be out of pity from the other rather than out of any genuine affection for me.
The idea of therapy doesn't appeal at all, either. I'm a severe case of borderline personality disorder. My prognosis is a <10% success rate for remission beginning within five years of therapy, and only a 50% chance at the eight-year mark, with a high risk of relapse (~70%) within four years of initial remission.
My history with the odds and chances and luck is basically one of "just don't bother." Ask anyone who knows me personally and they will tell you, if it can go wrong for me, it will/does. I can't catch a break no matter what I do, no matter how hard I fight. I've spent most of my live struggling just to survive and exist. The concept of actually living is foreign to me.
I don't know what else to say. I'm even losing the ability to express myself these days.
I don't know. I just don't know. About anything. About myself, about my life. About who I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I want... I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't fucking know. I'm losing my mind, I feel myself slipping away and I can't connect with anything or anyone anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm scared and resigned, in pain and numb all at once. I don't know what I'm feeling. I want to express myself. I can't do it adequately. I want to put my thoughts to words but it's all coming out insufficient, lackluster, half-correct but with so much missing. I feel like I have no mouth, but I want to scream. I need to scream. I have to scream. But I can't. I don't know how. Like I'm trying to describe color to a creature with no eyes. Or I'm blind and trying to understand color as explained to me by the croaking of a bullfrog.
I want out of this. I don't know how to get out of this. I know of only one way. I don't want to go that way.
