Some thoughts about my girlfriend's sexual past

[Esquilax]

My girlfriend and I were watching some romantic comedy the other day (not my idea, trust me), and the topic of sexual history came up. So we ended up talking about it, and it turns out that she's got quite a past.

She's 27 and here is just some of what she told me...

So why are any of those things problems for you? No, seriously: do you have a good reason to feel strongly about any of these things?

This is not OK. I've been with her for 3 years and I had no idea about any of this. I always had a feeling about her but I really didn't think it was like this. This is a huge shock to me and what bothers me is that I've invested 3 years of my life with someone whose values and mine most certainly do not gel.

What values are these, and what makes you think that her values haven't changed since then? Maybe you should be having this conversation with her, rather than us: you'd be surprised how much honest, frank discussion about what's bothering you can help. And remember, if you do, that your girlfriend is a person, one you hopefully have fond feelings for as a person, and not merely a list of her previous sexual acts. The human being that you've been with is still the person you're with; nothing has actually changed, other than your judgmental attitude toward things that she's done that you don't approve of.

I don't really want to break up with her, but at the same time I can't imagine staying with her and being OK with this. It's going to nag away at me, I know it. I'm a firm believer that her sexual history has a lot to do with the ability to pair bond (or should I say, the inability), and I have seen enough evidence of this with my friends and their girlfriends to confirm it.

Okay, I'm sorry, but that's nonsense. She's been with you for three years, isn't that sufficient evidence of her ability to bond with you? You're talking to a guy with a lengthy and lettered sexual history, threesomes are nothing special in comparison to what I've done, but you're also talking to a scrupulously honest man who values his relationships to such a degree that he wouldn't even consider cheating, and who is married to a woman he's well and truly pairbonded with, thank you very much. This idea that sexual history renders one less likely to form longterm relationships is simply not binding to everyone; try taking people as individual human beings with their own minds, and not a homogenous mass you can make wide ranging assertions about based on a handful of observations.