Greetings.
I'm 28 years old female, a Theologian, I am from Greece - a DEEPLY Christian nation and here is my story.
I was raised a Greek Christian Orthodox, but never believed it. In my teen years I discovered Judaism and fell in love with it. I spend hours studying the scriptures, watching videos of rabbis, memorizing prayers, blessings and following all the rituals I could because my parents were very opposed to all of this. I was doing all of these for 11 years but never actually approached the rabbi because I was afraid that he would turn me down, but visited the synagogue several times for services and high holidays. Added to that, I started learning Hebrew, was keeping kosher (as much as I could), dressing modestly (Haredi style) and was fiercely and openly pro Israel. Due to my education I had the pleasure to also study about different dogmas, religions and philosophies and to also visit different places of worship. But nothing for me compared to Judaism. I was also very deep into anti Christian apologetics. I believed in the spiritual superiority of Judaism above all other faiths. But thankfully, my worldview would collapse...
I was watching Shtisel, an Israeli tv series about an ultra orthodox family. Suddenly I saw that FIRST COUSINS (!!!) were flirting and was suggested that they could marry each other! Terror. Judaism can't allow this surely, right? Well, turns out this is okay by Jewish standards and Jewish law. I was feeling as if the rug was pulled under my feet. I needed to get back to reading. Maybe there's more I do not agree with...
So I started reading the Torah cover to cover. Long story short, now with more mature eyes and education (I was 16 when I first read the Torah & clearly didn't do a good job digging in), I realized I was following a fictional, blood thirsty, illogical, immoral tyrant created by a patriarchal, archaic, blood obsessed tribe of the middle east. My world came crushing down. So many years spent, mindlessly loving a tribal blood cult... So much pain arguing with my parents, feeling rejected, feeling lonely.
Then and there I knew - gods are nothing. Myths, legends, a coping mechanism to ease our insecurities. It was not a happy moment though, it felt like freedom. I am currently on a journey to learn more about science, evolution, logic, ethics and morality. Although this gives me a new perspective and meaning in life, I must say, shedding off religion from one's life is a very painful and heartbreaking experience. What I once loved so dearly, now I despised. My dreams and plans shuttered.
Being diagnosed with OCD and depression for years now, I wonder if this "spiritual journey" was all just an obsession, a compulsion or an emotional crutch. I receive medication and therapy, so I don't ask of any help with my mental issues because they are being addressed and cared for. What I am asking for is tips on how to deal with my deconversion. Any personal stories would be also, highly appreciated.
Thank you.
P.S. I'm no longer pro Israel.
I'm 28 years old female, a Theologian, I am from Greece - a DEEPLY Christian nation and here is my story.
I was raised a Greek Christian Orthodox, but never believed it. In my teen years I discovered Judaism and fell in love with it. I spend hours studying the scriptures, watching videos of rabbis, memorizing prayers, blessings and following all the rituals I could because my parents were very opposed to all of this. I was doing all of these for 11 years but never actually approached the rabbi because I was afraid that he would turn me down, but visited the synagogue several times for services and high holidays. Added to that, I started learning Hebrew, was keeping kosher (as much as I could), dressing modestly (Haredi style) and was fiercely and openly pro Israel. Due to my education I had the pleasure to also study about different dogmas, religions and philosophies and to also visit different places of worship. But nothing for me compared to Judaism. I was also very deep into anti Christian apologetics. I believed in the spiritual superiority of Judaism above all other faiths. But thankfully, my worldview would collapse...
I was watching Shtisel, an Israeli tv series about an ultra orthodox family. Suddenly I saw that FIRST COUSINS (!!!) were flirting and was suggested that they could marry each other! Terror. Judaism can't allow this surely, right? Well, turns out this is okay by Jewish standards and Jewish law. I was feeling as if the rug was pulled under my feet. I needed to get back to reading. Maybe there's more I do not agree with...
So I started reading the Torah cover to cover. Long story short, now with more mature eyes and education (I was 16 when I first read the Torah & clearly didn't do a good job digging in), I realized I was following a fictional, blood thirsty, illogical, immoral tyrant created by a patriarchal, archaic, blood obsessed tribe of the middle east. My world came crushing down. So many years spent, mindlessly loving a tribal blood cult... So much pain arguing with my parents, feeling rejected, feeling lonely.
Then and there I knew - gods are nothing. Myths, legends, a coping mechanism to ease our insecurities. It was not a happy moment though, it felt like freedom. I am currently on a journey to learn more about science, evolution, logic, ethics and morality. Although this gives me a new perspective and meaning in life, I must say, shedding off religion from one's life is a very painful and heartbreaking experience. What I once loved so dearly, now I despised. My dreams and plans shuttered.
Being diagnosed with OCD and depression for years now, I wonder if this "spiritual journey" was all just an obsession, a compulsion or an emotional crutch. I receive medication and therapy, so I don't ask of any help with my mental issues because they are being addressed and cared for. What I am asking for is tips on how to deal with my deconversion. Any personal stories would be also, highly appreciated.
Thank you.
P.S. I'm no longer pro Israel.
