Tell me more about _______?

[Snidely Whiplash]

I was born in 1942. My mother died when I was a baby. My alcoholic father tried to kill me when I was a baby, twice, because he thought my difficult birth caused my mother's death. I am also a Black Belt alcoholic (dry through A.A. for the past 28 years). In fact all the males in my fathers side of the family back to when we first arrived in Australia were alcoholics. We lived in a rat infested slum in a criminal infested inner suburb. I still have the scar on my face where a rat bit me in my baby crib.

I was taken from my father very early in my life and bought up by alcoholic aunts from my mothers side of the family- in the same slum. I am essentially uneducated. My aunt used to throw me out of her home regularly on the weakest of pretexts. I was living on the street begging and sleeping rough at age 15. From then 'til now I have fended for myself with help from no one. I should add here that I earned a living by thieving for a couple of years in my late teens.

In fact I was in jail with a broken neck resulting from a car crash chase at 19. In the same incident, that happened when a night watchman chased our car after a burglary, one of my fellow thieves, the driver, was shot dead and another badly wounded by the watchman.

I cleaned up my act in my early 20's, joined the army, married and had two girls. My wife divorced me in 1976 because of my alcoholism. I never re-married or “lived in sin” again. Both my girls are also alcoholic, one was also heavily drug addicted.

Unfortunately both of them are drinking at present. My youngest daughter ended up prostituting herself for drugs. Apart from the usual health issues that go with that lifestyle, she ended up a paranoid schizophrenic and bipolar. My oldest daughter is a very successful dog trainer who, despite a 6 year spell in A.A., decided she can now drink “socially.”

I worked in communications for many years. While on secondment to our Department Of Foreign Affairs and Trade from Civil Aviation on an overseas aid project, I was recruited by one of our intelligence agencies to do short term missions in third world countries. It was during the last of these I cracked up and decided to stop drinking.

At age 49 I started and ran a very successful comms business for 6 years with a Southern Baptist business partner. He bought me out and I retired at age 55. I am what is known down here as a “self funded retiree.”

Most of my body organs are beginning to fail as a result of the gargantuan amount of alcohol I drank and the cigarettes I smoked (I gave them up 23 years ago) but I hope to get another 5 years or so. I have also been impotent for about 15 years (in the end it was like trying to force a warm marshmallow into a kid's money box!) so you could say I'm just a crotchety and reclusive old bachelor that a good fuck and a green apple would kill!

I live very happily with my two best mates, Dasher and Gus, two beautiful English Cream Retrievers in the hills just north of Melbourne in the state of Victoria. I suppose I am a bit of a misanthrope because any more than a hour of human company a day really pisses me off.

Lots of other jaw dropping circumstances and events happened in my life but I thought youse guys would hardly believe this lot without me embellishing it even more!