I am a Christian Atheist... what? Help.

[robvalue]

Hello there I'm very sorry to hear how much you are struggling.

I've not been through religion myself so it's a bit hard to comment. However it does give me the unclouded perspective that it is all entirely made up bullshit. There is no need to to try and disprove things like "Jesus is God" because there is no reason to think that they are true. Claiming "you can't prove its not true" is an argument from ignorance, the bread and butter of theists. Whether or not Jesus exists, or is God, doesn't depend on anyone's ability to prove they aren't. However, there is no good reason to think they are.

I'm not denying you feel something, of course you do. But there is no way you can possibly know it is coming from some supernatural force. It sounds like people have put the power of suggestion over you, and you're attributing things to what they want you to. I actually felt an amazing feeling once, while watching an atheist video. I was on my own, but it felt like I had atheists around me who understood, I felt part of the crowd watching the guy speak and I felt an amazing sense of happiness, almost magical. I felt part of something bigger than me. Of course I identified that feeling as getting caught up in the moment and how I felt there were people who understood me. But I can see how easily such a big feeling can be attributed to some random supernatural thing.

I don't know if it will help, but my website (link in my signature) has lots of information, including how to break down logical fallacies like the argument from ignorance. It will help you spot the kind of tricks theists pull.

I hope you know people like Hovind are con men. Whether or not they believe their own bullshit, their arguments are fallacy ridden nonsense designed to confuse someone who isn't prepared for it.

Keep at it, and let us know what further thoughts you have.