Objectifying women

[Eilonnwy]

I'm afraid, In This Mind, you don't seem to be able to understand the difference between blaming a victim and pointing out that it may be possible that a victim could have taken precautions. There is a difference between the meaning of "could" and "should", I don't see how you can't understand that.

Well, actually maybe I do partly understand because I'm guessing you're not noticing the difference because you are so emotionally charged IMO.

EvF

Yes, there is a difference between could and should. Could denotes an idea, should denotes advice. Here is a more detailed explanation. No one here is saying women can reduce chances of rape by walking home in a group in the sense of an "idea", it's meant in the sense of advice. Every statement I've read by the people hear explain it as a reduced risk option, yes? Then it's advice. Which means you are saying women should not walk home alone. You're not saying could, and if you are, you're using the word wrong. So when you suggest that a woman could have avoided rape by walking home with other people, you are really saying should. And when you say a woman should have done something, you are victim blaming.

I am a woman, I have walked home alone at as late as 2am from an area where rapes previously happened. I have done this too many times to count. I have never been raped or attacked. You know why? Because the rare instance of rape that occurs when a man grabs a woman off a street is random. A woman somewhere is going to be raped because they crossed paths with a rapist. You can say that all those times I walked home alone at 2am in a place previously stalked by a serial rapist as being risky, or I shouldn't have done it. But you know what this place was? It was a T station. The end of the line Ashmont T station, and the sad fact is that women have jobs and lack cars and have no better option than to utilize this T station. Every single woman who uses this T station was at risk. All those woman were attacked from 9 to 1am. I was lucky.

And here's the crux of the problem. None of you who argue "common sense" can see past your own privilege. Your common sense suggests woman should never wear sexy clothing, that every time she walks home alone she could be raped. This common sense is based on Just World theory. It's really hard for people to accept that something happened to them because it just did. There is human propensity to try to figure out what went wrong. What did she do? What made her the victim and not me? That sad fact is nothing. Bad things happen to good people, and often there is no sense of justice, so we pretend there is by assigning these little "common sense suggestions" that we believe reduces our risk of rape. They don't. The facts of rape do not correlate with any of what's been said before. Most woman who are raped are raped by someone they knew, even in their own home. The man off the street rape is rare and statistics show they are random in nature.

It sucks to feel helpless. It sucks even more to realize you're lucky. I am lucky. I know so many woman who have been victimized and I have not. I know people who are so bright and wonderful, and you would never think anything terrible happened to her, but if only you really knew.

I understand how appealing the common sense suggestions are. I really do. No one here wants a woman to be raped, no one wants to be raped. No one wants to feel like they have no control about what evil people choose to do to you. We like to think we can reduce our risk, but in these instances, it's just not true. And is In His Mind's article about Baltimore police illustrates why it's so dangerous to have these attitudes. Woman have been shamed into silence from police officers asking the very questions about suggestions you feel are sound advice. This is rape culture, it's a well documented fact, and both of us have tried to explain this to you all ad nauseum.

You have all lashed out at In His Mind, and granted, In His Min has lashed out at times in ways I don't agree with, but you all have attacked her for being a victim, and it's absolutely disgusting. You suggest she cannot have a clear opinion on this matter because she has been a victim. You all disgust me. You are victim blaming so much, and you cannot see past your own privilege to see it. You can do everything "right". You can take cabs home, you can wear modest clothing, and you still can be raped.

Being accused of victim blaming is uncomfortable. I'm sure you all really believe you're thinking logically and have the best interest of woman at heart, yet the statistics prove you wrong. They've been posted here all over the place.

I once sat on the train and saw an ad "Don't use your smart phone on the train." because there has been a high rate of phone thefts on public transit. But wait....don't we have our phones so we can use them conveniently call people on the train, browse the internet, or play games? Isn't the whole fucking point to use them? So with this message on the train, I take out my iPhone to change a song. I hate the one that's playing right now, and hey, it's an innocent change of song! Someone then steals it from me a few minutes later. Would you tell me, "You shouldn't have changed your song and flashed your iphone?" Or better yet, "You shouldn't have had an iphone. If you had a crappy nextel you would never had had your phone stolen?" So basically, if I don't want my shit stolen, I can't have nice thing. It's absurd. One of my friends was mugged at a T station, they tried to steal his phone. You know what kind of phone it was? It was the crappiest piece of shit you could ever imagine. He bought it for 15$ way back when. He was saved from some MBTA police that showed up.

The truth is that the people who decide to steal are the ones who commit the crime and have full blame. The same goes for rape. When you try to think of what "risks" they could have reduce, you are placing the onus on the victim that they should have done something, and feeding into victim blaming culture that results in rape cases going unreported, not prosecuted, or the guy getting completely let off.

Think about. A woman is walking home from work, they don't have a car, they can't afford it. They've walked from a T station so many times. It's a busy place at 9pm. Nothing has ever happened before, it's only a 10 minute walk. You're forced into a car, you're raped. You tell the police you were walking home along and someone had a knife to your back, they ask you, "Why didn't you flag down someone?" "Why didn't your scream?" "Why were you walking home alone?" You do not see how any of these questions would suggest it's her fault? Do you think any of these questions have any bearing on finding the man who raped her?

The common sense thing is that people have lives, they have the right to live it. They have a right to riches, and flashing pricey thing does make it partly their fault it got stolen. Women have bodies, and they have right to not have the bodies violated. Wearing flashy clothing or walking home at night does not make it partly their fault that someone took it upon themselves to violate her.

The only reason why I have never been raped is because no man or woman has chosen to violate me. I have not crossed paths with a rapist, I've not had a relationship with an abusive boyfriend, I have not gone to parties and gotten drunk with people who assume my incoherent state is a license to have sex with me. I'm lucky, and I do not take my luck for granted, I do not assume I can avoid every possible rape situation with "common sense".

That's the way it is, and I'm sorry so many of you refuse to see it.