Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[Joods]

CIJS

It has officially begun. It’s taken months of preparing and I won’t back down. A judge will say the last word. This is it. It’s finally here. Money is no longer a road block.

But cijs? Nobody will ever understand how this is so difficult. Why do you feel bad for him? Why do you want to make sure he’s ok afterwards? Why not hit him harder? Fuck. Fuck. You won’t get it. I get you and why you think that way, but there is no possibility of you understanding me. I feel it. How can I still care about the feelings and well being of someone who calls me a whore, tells people I have HIV (I don’t), threatens me, crashes into my car, breaks into my home, searches my car, breaks my furniture, tracks my phone, follows me around, tells my kids I’m not good enough, left me for another woman? I won’t list excuses for him. I won’t, because my reason tells me it’s not enough. I just care. I can’t not worry. That doesn’t mean I won’t do it. I will. It’s already started. It doesn’t mean he won’t have to face the consequences. He will. But stop telling me I’m stupid because I feel bad that he’s in pain. I can’t help not being a bitch. I’m not like him. Caring about his well being does not mean I have feelings for him in a romantic way, it just means I was with him for 11 years and fuck. I want him to get better. As hard as I try to be hard, to be cold, to be tough... fuck, yo. I’m really not. My heart hurts for him. I’m so sad for him. He might lose his job. Fuck. I know he caused this, but I’m hurting for his pain even though I will definitely go all the way with this. I just can’t be a bitch that feels nothing. I feel sorry for him. I really do.

You are an empath. It is simply in your nature to care about everyone - no matter the wrongs they did to you. And that right there, makes you a much better person for humanity. He, on the other hand, is a narcissist. A master manipulator. You've seen the light and you're moving on, but he will always try to suck you back in. When he no longer has any fresh victims to feed off of, then he will attempt to use you as a back up. And because you are an empath, you get sucked into a viscous circle that is impossible to break away from unless you start learning to employ the Grey Rock Method. 

What is the Grey Rock Method? 

Simple. You must learn to remove every shred of emotion from yourself whenever you have to deal with this guy. Do not allow him to see any emotion - anger, happiness, sadness - none of it. Remain like a stone and he won't have anything to feed off of. Try it. It actually works. The narcissist is expecting you to react in a certain way, when they push your buttons. Once you have fallen for this, they then feed off of your emotions. It's like a high for them. They love seeing their victim hurting in any sort of way possible. The emotional, mind fuckery they engage with is just over the top and they often have their victims convinced that they (the victim) is crazy when in fact it is the other way around! 

Narcissists won't admit they have a problem so getting a proper diagnosis is near impossible. One can only compare their situation to countless others in support groups to quickly learn that they all take from the same book. It's like it's literally scripted down to the finest detail. It's truly unreal and once you realize this, you're going to want to tell everyone. Don't. They won't understand and they will think you're making it up. Sadly, you and other's affected by the Narcs behavior are the only ones who really see him with his mask off. No one else can possibly understand this level of crazy. 

I'm going to assume he's the father of your kids? If so - then co-parenting with this guy is going to be damn near impossible because all they like to do is win and hurt their victims and will do that however they can, even if it hurts the children. Once he sees that you have moved on, he will target you in ways that you never thought possible, if he hasn't already. The only thing you can do is hope to get lucky enough to watch him walk away from his parenting responsibilities. If not - you will be in and out of court for years to come.