CIJS -
This is not something that I ever thought I would have to write. But here goes. I've been in denial about being depressed now for a few months. It's been almost 7 months since I've quit smoking and while I understand the health benefits of that decision, what I cannot deal with is the extreme weight gain that has come as part of the price I have paid to quit. Sadly, that is only a small amount of the weight that I have gained over the last five years. Stress and difficult living conditions have taken a toll on my overall health. Smoking during most of that time has also added to my health problems. The increase in stress has made it rather difficult to keep my weight in check.
I look in the mirror and I want to just hide from the ugly. Let's face it. Me without makeup is just downright fucking horrible. And it's become more and more difficult to do simple things like get up from my chair, or get out of my car. I literally have to rock back and forth a time or two just to gather up the momentum to get my morbidly obese ass out of a sitting position. I waddle when I walk. I am ashamed of what I look like.
My knees hurt all of the time. As does my back. For a year now, I have slept in a recliner because the GERD is so severe that I wake up in pain if I forget to take my medication. If I have to go to the bathroom, I find it difficult to hold it in for long. Poise pads have replaced period pads because evidently, this is not an uncommon problem with people my size and this is my body's way of saying 'fuck you', to me.
I had to go to walmart the other day to buy new clothes. In a bigger size.
Do you know how utterly depressing and sad that is? To know that this time last year, you were only obese. But now, you are morbidly obese and the size 20 pants you used to wear, have been replaced with a disgusting size of 3X or 4X. I just want to cry because I know that I did this to myself. I don't wanna be one of those people that ends up on that show My 600 lb Life. I don't eat a whole lot in general. I skip breakfast the majority of the time. I might have a cup of ramen for lunch and I drink water all day. When dinner rolls around (pardon the pun), most of the time my plate ends up in the microwave because I can't finish it. It's not like I'm pigging out or gorging out on food either. But I eat maybe one or two sugar free cups of gelatin (5 calories each) and I feel like my skin is stretching. Come on. That's a minuscule number of calories. It's fucking sugar free jello.
I found out today during my first weight loss class, that if you don't meet your daily caloric needs, you could actually gain weight. LIKE FUCK. Because I've literally been starving myself, because I just haven't had an appetite, only to end up gaining weight as a result. I'm in a no-win situation and it's not like I don't want to eat.
I used to not mind my picture being taken. Now I just want to run from a camera pointed my way. The reason why I always take pictures of me with my cat laying on me is because he helps hide the ugly and disgusting fat. I figure if I take pictures of me in my recliner, it will also help hide my hideous frame.
I need to do something about this. I have to get to the bottom of what is going on and how I can correct it. So I started to do just that. Earlier this month I attended a community information session run by the Bariatric clinic in my town. I signed up to take the classes and get the gastric by-pass surgery. I did my first official weigh in today. 261.8 lbs. I will go through six classes during the "pre-op" stage, which will last for six months. In that time, I will meet with the surgeon, learn about proper eating habits, develop a meal plan based upon a 1200 calorie diet and specifics on serving sizes and proper portions and I will try and reteach myself that I need to take better care of my body.
This isn't because I'm eating too much. It's because I'm not eating enough and my body has decided to go into starvation-mode and preserve the little bit of food that I do eat. So as I embark on this journey, I will have to step outside of my comfort zone and do things I haven't ever done before. And it'll be hard and I will want to give up. But I will think of four kids who still need their mother. They aren't nearly ready to fly on their own and they need me. They. Need. Me. This is all the drive and motivation I hope I will need to see my journey to the end.
This is not something that I ever thought I would have to write. But here goes. I've been in denial about being depressed now for a few months. It's been almost 7 months since I've quit smoking and while I understand the health benefits of that decision, what I cannot deal with is the extreme weight gain that has come as part of the price I have paid to quit. Sadly, that is only a small amount of the weight that I have gained over the last five years. Stress and difficult living conditions have taken a toll on my overall health. Smoking during most of that time has also added to my health problems. The increase in stress has made it rather difficult to keep my weight in check.
I look in the mirror and I want to just hide from the ugly. Let's face it. Me without makeup is just downright fucking horrible. And it's become more and more difficult to do simple things like get up from my chair, or get out of my car. I literally have to rock back and forth a time or two just to gather up the momentum to get my morbidly obese ass out of a sitting position. I waddle when I walk. I am ashamed of what I look like.
My knees hurt all of the time. As does my back. For a year now, I have slept in a recliner because the GERD is so severe that I wake up in pain if I forget to take my medication. If I have to go to the bathroom, I find it difficult to hold it in for long. Poise pads have replaced period pads because evidently, this is not an uncommon problem with people my size and this is my body's way of saying 'fuck you', to me.
I had to go to walmart the other day to buy new clothes. In a bigger size.
Do you know how utterly depressing and sad that is? To know that this time last year, you were only obese. But now, you are morbidly obese and the size 20 pants you used to wear, have been replaced with a disgusting size of 3X or 4X. I just want to cry because I know that I did this to myself. I don't wanna be one of those people that ends up on that show My 600 lb Life. I don't eat a whole lot in general. I skip breakfast the majority of the time. I might have a cup of ramen for lunch and I drink water all day. When dinner rolls around (pardon the pun), most of the time my plate ends up in the microwave because I can't finish it. It's not like I'm pigging out or gorging out on food either. But I eat maybe one or two sugar free cups of gelatin (5 calories each) and I feel like my skin is stretching. Come on. That's a minuscule number of calories. It's fucking sugar free jello. I found out today during my first weight loss class, that if you don't meet your daily caloric needs, you could actually gain weight. LIKE FUCK. Because I've literally been starving myself, because I just haven't had an appetite, only to end up gaining weight as a result. I'm in a no-win situation and it's not like I don't want to eat.
I used to not mind my picture being taken. Now I just want to run from a camera pointed my way. The reason why I always take pictures of me with my cat laying on me is because he helps hide the ugly and disgusting fat. I figure if I take pictures of me in my recliner, it will also help hide my hideous frame.
I need to do something about this. I have to get to the bottom of what is going on and how I can correct it. So I started to do just that. Earlier this month I attended a community information session run by the Bariatric clinic in my town. I signed up to take the classes and get the gastric by-pass surgery. I did my first official weigh in today. 261.8 lbs. I will go through six classes during the "pre-op" stage, which will last for six months. In that time, I will meet with the surgeon, learn about proper eating habits, develop a meal plan based upon a 1200 calorie diet and specifics on serving sizes and proper portions and I will try and reteach myself that I need to take better care of my body.
This isn't because I'm eating too much. It's because I'm not eating enough and my body has decided to go into starvation-mode and preserve the little bit of food that I do eat. So as I embark on this journey, I will have to step outside of my comfort zone and do things I haven't ever done before. And it'll be hard and I will want to give up. But I will think of four kids who still need their mother. They aren't nearly ready to fly on their own and they need me. They. Need. Me. This is all the drive and motivation I hope I will need to see my journey to the end.
Disclaimer: I am only responsible for what I say, not what you choose to understand.
