The Onion: Letters to the Editor

[Cyberman]

I don't know how to link to these since they're on a scrolling banner, so I'll just give the link I was given on Facebook and let you take it from there:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/blindness-vow,29402/

(Also, I'm obliged to state that thier disclaimer that "The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age" so as to keep myself out of the shit.)

Great News, Mr. The Onion!
For a limited time, enjoy complimentary access to The New York Times online. Just use access code: pleasegoddontabandonusnowplease.

— Bill Keller, Executive Editor

Dear The Onion,
I'm having a real hard time today, and I just wanted millions of people to know. Thanks.

— Bill Daniels, Belmont, MA

Dear The Onion,
Unfortunately, I have to cancel my subscription since I’m joining a monastery and taking a vow of blindness.

— Johnny Chen, Vienna, VA

Dear The Onion,
By the time you read this I will have canceled my subscription. I know this may be difficult for you to hear, but I’ve found another newspaper that informs me in ways I never thought possible. It’s the Dubuque Telegraph Herald and I’m moving to Iowa to be with it. I’m sorry. Take care of yourself.

— Ethan Thompson, Seattle, WA

Dear The Onion,
My favorite dish broke while wrapped and packed in your newspaper. Enclosed is a bill for $20.

— Daniel Papp, Solon, OH

Dear The Onion
In the future, could you keep those of us who are trying to piece together ransom notes in mind and print a few more Q, W, and Y words?

— John Norton, Houston, TX

Dear The Onion,
It seems like we only ever communicate about the weather or current events anymore. So, really, The Onion, how are you doing?

— Candi Wheeler, Biloxi, MS

Dear The Onion,
Due to my increased work schedule, I will no longer have time to write in as much. Accordingly, please publish fewer stories that irritate me.

— Ryan Doolittle, Riverside, CA

Dear The Onion,
Please remove the stars covering the nipples of the models on the last few pages.

— Kurt Blankenship, Flint, MI

Dear The Onion,
Enclosed is a weird smell that’s been lingering in my kitchen for a good month now. It’s like wet ham, but with an undercurrent of scorched hair. Any idea where it’s coming from?

— Jim Winning, Tulsa, OK

Dear The Onion,
Is this a bad time? I could write another letter later if that would work better? Okay then.

— Barbara Adams, Lincoln, NE

[KichigaiNeko]

Just loaded the onion for iPhone...funny as!!