My progress report in defeating my illness.
September 2, 2013 at 8:22 am
(This post was last modified: September 2, 2013 at 9:17 am by Mystic.)
Ok, so after calming myself down, slowly trying organize where all things went wrong. I am coming up with these thoughts. I didn't know where to put this thread, but I am going to keep progress here of what I am going through:
I been slowly retracing my foot steps. I don't think the illness started really after 9/11 like I originally thought. I don't remember if it was late grade 7 or early grade 8, but I had experience while awake of purplish blue Jinn who I thought I saw with my physical eyes. I am not sure to the extent I talked to my parents but I think they told me I was probably dreaming and I am mixing up the two states. Whether Jinn exist or not, is irrelevant. I thought I saw one then, but I also was very skeptical I remember. There was something abnormal about me then. While most people would talk to girls, I would totally disconnect myself from them. In grade 9, a few girls tried to talk to me, one even told me if I wanted to be her girl friend, I remember Chris Poulin wanted to talk me about girls in grade 9, I remember Dawood telling me there is a girl that thinks I'm hot because I had abbs, what was abnormal wasn't simply that I was "obeying Islamic rules", it was that I had little weakness. Still worse then that, was that, I didn't care to make friends much, to have recreational activities. I was strongly committed to studying and getting good marks. I would get 90s and what not. But I think it was then I was totally different. Even if there such things as Jinn, then a Jinn had consumed my mind. If it's all in the mind, then my mind made a dark shadow in me. I would have little emotion even when I would get 100% on final math exam. I wasn't normal. I was too serious. I didn't know how to joke much. I took school seriously too much. I think in grade 10 when I broke down, I finally felt emotions like everyone else. Everyone else had some interest to know others. To have relationship with others. But what happened to me is that love than got channeled to Prophets and Imams who I thought I saw spiritually. I got imaginary friends/guides. Still when I got out of that world, I felt like I need to go back. I needed to be in "illiyin". I been sick since either grade 8 or grade 9. Did madam morin see something no one else saw in me? Did I see myself as some sort of god that was capable of anything it wanted to do? Or that didn't care to connect with people, society, culture, but was consumed with ambition to be great? Did she really hate me or was she trying to help me as she saw I was not normal? It doesn't matter now. If I was touched by the blue Jinn as I thought, right now it has destroyed my world of thoughts, that I don't know what it means to be true human. If it was just produced by the mind, then it's the same. I wish I did muta or even didn't do it, I wish I said yes to that girl that asked me out in grade 9. It had nothing to do with love of God, obedience to God, it was either the demon or my illness. I am retracing my steps.
I realize this much. Logical fallacies, like circular reasoning, ad populum, appeal to authority, ad hominem, red herring, humans live by them. They act according to them all the time, because it protects from waking up from the matrix world they in. Double standards is necessary or otherwise, Bush/Harper would not be seen any different from Bin Laden as far as being terrorists. Every society has to see faults in other societies, they don't see in their own or in their own leaders. Trust is such a big foundation. Most people who disbelieve in conspiracy theories are appeal to logical fallacies. There is a few who actually looked at all the evidence, saw where it's wrong or right, and came to know the truth. Most people like to hear one side of any issue without hearing what contradicts it. And if they listen to a counter argument, they will go back to a counter argument of their own side, but will stop and not hear the other side counter argument. While people can function with all these false beliefs, false ideas, normally, obviously I realize I cannot. Still I can be satisfied with not knowing what stance I should take, but this leaves me purposeless without direction. The truth is so important, but I realize, I have to develop a skill to distinguish falsehood from truth, something I don't know any group has done. My psychiatrist when I talked about facing confirmation bias, he told me it's impossible to beat. Conventional wisdom: Everyone dies, I will die too. Everyone this, I too. So conventional wisdom, is no one can figure out where they are wrong in all their thoughts and right in all their thoughts, and never pick a wrong stance. So why do I think I can do it? Well I don't know why. I been discussing on forums for so long. Sometimes I would be on one topic for 12 hours. Still, I think I can't just rely on others to debate with me to reach a conclusion. I need a find better way to organize information.
I been slowly retracing my foot steps. I don't think the illness started really after 9/11 like I originally thought. I don't remember if it was late grade 7 or early grade 8, but I had experience while awake of purplish blue Jinn who I thought I saw with my physical eyes. I am not sure to the extent I talked to my parents but I think they told me I was probably dreaming and I am mixing up the two states. Whether Jinn exist or not, is irrelevant. I thought I saw one then, but I also was very skeptical I remember. There was something abnormal about me then. While most people would talk to girls, I would totally disconnect myself from them. In grade 9, a few girls tried to talk to me, one even told me if I wanted to be her girl friend, I remember Chris Poulin wanted to talk me about girls in grade 9, I remember Dawood telling me there is a girl that thinks I'm hot because I had abbs, what was abnormal wasn't simply that I was "obeying Islamic rules", it was that I had little weakness. Still worse then that, was that, I didn't care to make friends much, to have recreational activities. I was strongly committed to studying and getting good marks. I would get 90s and what not. But I think it was then I was totally different. Even if there such things as Jinn, then a Jinn had consumed my mind. If it's all in the mind, then my mind made a dark shadow in me. I would have little emotion even when I would get 100% on final math exam. I wasn't normal. I was too serious. I didn't know how to joke much. I took school seriously too much. I think in grade 10 when I broke down, I finally felt emotions like everyone else. Everyone else had some interest to know others. To have relationship with others. But what happened to me is that love than got channeled to Prophets and Imams who I thought I saw spiritually. I got imaginary friends/guides. Still when I got out of that world, I felt like I need to go back. I needed to be in "illiyin". I been sick since either grade 8 or grade 9. Did madam morin see something no one else saw in me? Did I see myself as some sort of god that was capable of anything it wanted to do? Or that didn't care to connect with people, society, culture, but was consumed with ambition to be great? Did she really hate me or was she trying to help me as she saw I was not normal? It doesn't matter now. If I was touched by the blue Jinn as I thought, right now it has destroyed my world of thoughts, that I don't know what it means to be true human. If it was just produced by the mind, then it's the same. I wish I did muta or even didn't do it, I wish I said yes to that girl that asked me out in grade 9. It had nothing to do with love of God, obedience to God, it was either the demon or my illness. I am retracing my steps.
I realize this much. Logical fallacies, like circular reasoning, ad populum, appeal to authority, ad hominem, red herring, humans live by them. They act according to them all the time, because it protects from waking up from the matrix world they in. Double standards is necessary or otherwise, Bush/Harper would not be seen any different from Bin Laden as far as being terrorists. Every society has to see faults in other societies, they don't see in their own or in their own leaders. Trust is such a big foundation. Most people who disbelieve in conspiracy theories are appeal to logical fallacies. There is a few who actually looked at all the evidence, saw where it's wrong or right, and came to know the truth. Most people like to hear one side of any issue without hearing what contradicts it. And if they listen to a counter argument, they will go back to a counter argument of their own side, but will stop and not hear the other side counter argument. While people can function with all these false beliefs, false ideas, normally, obviously I realize I cannot. Still I can be satisfied with not knowing what stance I should take, but this leaves me purposeless without direction. The truth is so important, but I realize, I have to develop a skill to distinguish falsehood from truth, something I don't know any group has done. My psychiatrist when I talked about facing confirmation bias, he told me it's impossible to beat. Conventional wisdom: Everyone dies, I will die too. Everyone this, I too. So conventional wisdom, is no one can figure out where they are wrong in all their thoughts and right in all their thoughts, and never pick a wrong stance. So why do I think I can do it? Well I don't know why. I been discussing on forums for so long. Sometimes I would be on one topic for 12 hours. Still, I think I can't just rely on others to debate with me to reach a conclusion. I need a find better way to organize information.
I too am trying to see the light through all trees.. I've decided to cut every belief out besides those I know to be true. I know love to be true and all the attributes that love entails: patience, kindness.. I know too that my own body works against me sometimes, and that I absolutely need a medication to make sure my seratonin levels are as normal as anyone else's. There's nothing wrong with me as a person, that's just the hand I was dealt--my body can't metabolize folic acid into folate. I know now that stigmatization isn't anything to consider. It lies in the realm of fear and sorrow. Now that I know this I'm getting better, getting well with each step. When it comes down to it, nothing matters besides love for me. Love has kept me going in the most dire of times..![[Image: tumblr_n1j4lmACk61qchtw3o1_500.gif]](https://66.media.tumblr.com/5fb74c6d16622fb3dbb358509c9aec03/tumblr_n1j4lmACk61qchtw3o1_500.gif)
![[Image: extraordinarywoo-sig.jpg]](https://i.postimg.cc/zf86M5L7/extraordinarywoo-sig.jpg)
