What's everyone up to right now?

[KevinM1]

Yeah, so depression sucks

[SteelCurtain]

It was performing a preorder traversal of a Huffman Tree, to encode the Huffman code with C++.

I talked with my prof and she really wants a 2D array. Not sure why. It'll probably take me an hour to switch it over. She wouldn't commit to a point deduction, so I'll probably just do it.

Bloody fucking hell, Steel, am I supposed to remember all that high-falutin' college shit I took three decades ago? I haven't seen a Huffman tree implementation since skinny ties and Duran Duran were the in thing.

Being a pro and not having to reinvent the wheel: priceless.

Yup. This class is all theory and rudimentary implementation.

Finite State Machines is up next.

[c172]

USMNT loses to Colombia. 9 men. Out of Oly's. Canada down 2-0 to Mexico right now.

[Jackalope]

Yeah, so depression sucks

No argument here. Hope you're OK, Kevin.

[SteelCurtain]

Yeah, so depression sucks

Brain Chemicals. Fuck 'em.

Hope you feel better soon, Kevin.

[Losty]

Yeah, so depression sucks

it truly does. Hope you feel better soon.

[KevinM1]

I'm not going to hurt myself or anything. I hate pain, and I fear death in that I'd rather still have some awareness of existing because not having that freaks me the fuck out kind of way.

But, I have no future. I have no career to look forward to. I have pressure sores and other things associated with my disability that prevent me from having consistent up time. Some days are so painful I can hardly sit up. And the system is stacked against me anyway. Even a modest income means losing a lot of the benefits I rely on in order to live.

And everyone else around me is setting down, having kids, that sort of thing, and I know I'll never have that. I don't want kids, but I'll never have a significant other. I'm not built mentally/emotionally for short term flings. A long term monogamous relationship is what I'm looking for, but who the fuck would even look at me in that way? I need help to do everything, and I require so much daily care. I couldn't ask someone I cared about to make that kind of sacrifice. I'm not worth it.

So, I just sit here wondering if the next 30-50 years of my life is just going to be spent being lonely while financially burdening others. Theists like their firey version of hell, but just pining away in silence over the years is far more terrifying.

So, while I don't want to hurt myself, I can't escape the conclusion that the people I care about would be better off without me. Yeah, they'd be sad at first, but at least they all have something more to move on to. I wouldn't be there costing them so much time and effort and money. They'd be able to do whatever they wanted without worrying that it's accessible or if I was feeling good enough to go, or any of the other things that I innately do that cause them to not live how they want.

I just feel fucking worthless, and it's so frustrating. I consider myself a problem solver, but I can't solve the core problem. No matter how hard I work at trying to make myself a better person, none of it really matters. I won't suddenly be healthy, or independent, or attractive.

It's all shit. I can't even talk to my family about it. My brothers would likely just tell me to suck it up (I love them but they can be idiots when it comes to mental health) and my mom will just go overboard and become overbearing.

So I'm just stuck. Little to no current value and no future.

[Little lunch]

Kevin, is there any hope for medical breakthroughs in the future?
I get depression. You make me feel like a fucking sook.
I would trade places for a day except that I'd be scared you wouldn't want to change back.
I really wish I could help. You seem like a really great guy.
Surely there is somebody else in the same situation as you that is also just as lonely and looking for a relationship.

[KevinM1]

No medical breakthroughs. My condition is muscular-skeletal. Deformities, missing muscle groups, etc. Barring my brain in a Terminator body, I'm not going to improve.

[J a c k]

No medical breakthroughs.  My condition is muscular-skeletal.  Deformities, missing muscle groups, etc.  Barring my brain in a Terminator body, I'm not going to improve.

I can't find the right words to say. I send you a hug. A heart-felt hug.