Funeral Question

[Wyrd of Gawd]

So leaving the apple directly beneath the tree from which it fell is the solution? Yes, let failure breed contempt! Fuck everyone who doesn't perform to our standards!

Seriously? Now we let our father's failures become our tenor? Personally, I'll not perpetuate my father's failures by allowing them to make my heart cold on top of all the perceived loss in my earlier life.

Seriously? Your argument would have merit if I had repeated his failures as a father. Cold heart? Hardly, things could change if he decided to return calls/communications, but he doesn't. Contempt? You bet your ass, he earned it.

I attend funerals out of respect and fondness for the one who passed or out of respect and fondness for a person that needs support while grieving/paying last respects. I do not attend funerals because of some unwritten obligation based on biological closeness. If people are concerned about their funeral attendance, they should do a better job of fostering relationships while they're living.

As far as the 'fuck everyone that doesn't perform to our standards' jive, my standard for fathers is simple...help rear your children. If a man can't live up to this standard, then yes, he can go fuck himself.

I suppose you haven't seen the women those men have to cope with. The guys that don't leave sometimes end up killing their entire families because the home environment has grown so caustic. At least you are alive so you should be thankful for that.

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Chances are he left because it was intolerable living with your mother. Men don't usually leave their families unless they are driven away. You may experience that someday yourself. The news is full of such stories so don't think it won't happen to you.

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I'm sorry... what? What a jerky thing to say.

OP, I think you should just politely decline anything being said for you.

Please be so kind as to post a list of approved comments I may include in my responses. I don't want to inadvertently run afoul of your delicate sensibilities. After all, this is America and only approved thoughts are allowed to be expressed.

"...in the United States, alone among the great nations of history, there is a right way to think and a wrong way to think in everything...in the most trivial matters of everyday life." H.L. Mencken, 1918

[rexbeccarox]

You're welcome to your freedom of speech, and I'm welcome to mine. It was an asshole comment, and I calls 'em as I sees 'em.

[Cato]

I suppose you haven't seen the women those men have to cope with.

Are you trying to excuse bad fathering because a guy had poor vetting skills when trying to decide where to put his cock? Also, once the kid arrives, the woman's demeanor has fuck all to do with the father's responsibility. It could sure as hell make executing the responsibility difficult, but again no excuse for neglect.

The guys that don't leave sometimes end up killing their entire families because the home environment has grown so caustic.

Let me see if I understand your reasoning here: a few psychopaths kill their families; therefore, it's ok if men neglect their children. Insane women have been known to drown thier kids in bathtubs and lakes. Does this mean that all parents should just walk away from their children immediately after birth?

At least you are alive so you should be thankful for that.

I'm fond of living so I'm thanful I'm alive, but I fail to see how this translates to sperm doner worship as you seem to suggest. Besides, have you ever fucked? Sure some people fuck specifically for procreation, but this usually results in the decision to not use birth control. People don't usually think the following during a good shag: can't wait to change shitty diapers, taking kids to the emergency room to have bones reset is fun, looking forward to being considered an idiot 14 years from now, the expense of raising a kid is chump change. You know why these aren't thought during fucking? Because it's fucking. If you're capable of having these thoughts during fucking, you failed in your vetting process or are yourself a very poor practitioner.

Besides, Mom deserves a wee bit more credit for getting you to daylight. Dad's primary contribution comes after. I'm appreciative, but tough to be thankful to a person for doing something that most of us would immediately drop what we're doing to engage in.

P.S. Thread derailed.

[Godscreated]

Sorry for your loss, hope things work out well for you in this loss. I agree with It Is i, being gracious shows your maturity in this situation with your father, something Bad Wolf seems not to believe is important.

GC

No your right, lying to everyone just to spare a few feelings seems much more respectful....

I'm not going to start an argument in a time where someone is suffering the loss of a parent.

GC

[Aractus]

I have been asked by the daughter of his second wife (a woman I have never met, just a voice on the phone) if I want the minister to say anything from me at the funeral.

My advice is to speak directly to the priest.

Thank you all your your thoughts, I will probably go and just sit quietly at the back. I don't want any arguments or have any need to stir up bad feelings with "his other family"

Family should sit at the front, members of the Church congregation at the back and friends where they feel comfortable. Church members will know this and will intentionally leave the first rows of seats empty for the family members, and will deliberately sit at the back. And if more family members come in during the service, they will get up and vacate their seats so that those family members can sit as close to the front as possible. Your best option, if you're not close to the other family members, is to sit with any friends that are present - one or two rows back from the other family members. It could even be one of your own friends rather than one of the deceased's. If you want my advice, it would be improper to deliberately sit at the back.

My grandmother died recently, and although I personally didn't organize her funeral, we (that is the family) decided to organize it at her Church which is exactly what she would have wanted. Two of her four children are very atheist, and one is quite anti-religious but neither had any problem with having the funeral at her church. Also, since she had not been to that church for a number of years the priest who had been there has since moved on. So it was held by the present priest of the church. Alternatively you could also have it held by the priest of the deceased present congregation. (I used the word priest deliberately to differentiate between clergy and lay-ministers).

What you would expect at a religious funeral:

a sermon by the priest,
a hymn or a different song,
an eulogy,
other short speeches from family members and/or friends,
a prayer.

Optionally, lay members of the church would provide refreshments after the service has been held, or you can hold these at a different venue - we held them at her house.

You should always hold a funeral the way that the deceased would want.

Any decent priest will go through options for a suitable sermon, this sermon could be as short as 5 minutes or as long as 12 minutes, and again that would normally be up to the family to decide. The family or priest can write a prayer - best to be concise - or you can just use the Lord's Prayer, or if you're an Anglican, a suitable Prayer Book prayer. You can chose anyone you want to say it.

The song or hymn should be chosen based on what the deceased would have liked, it would be usual to pick one of their favourite hymns that made them happiest.

You need to either choose a family member or a close friend to say the Eulogy, or you have the Eulogy split between 2 or more people (they way to do this with more than one person is that each person focuses on a period of the deceased's life chronologically starting from their birth up until their death). If one person gives a Eulogy, you would expect it to be up to 12 minutes long, and then allow other family members to say short speeches around 3 minutes or so long each.

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• Yes. I would say "No, but thank you for asking."

  Absolutely not!

[zebo-the-fat]

The funeral was yesterday and it went better than I expected. They had a retired minister to do the official speech making stuff, actually a very nice and funny guy, it would be nice to meet him under different circumstances. He actually said that "we are all literally made from star dust" something that moved him several points up my "like list" The daughter of my fathers second wife said she wanted to scatter the ashes on the wife's grave and asked if I minded, I thought it was nice of her to ask and told her it was ok (didn't seem the place or time to say she could do anything she liked with them as they were only ash and chances are they would be a mixture of whoever went into the furnace that day anyway)
All in all it was not as bad as I expected
(The best funeral I ever went to was an atheist friend which ended up at night with fireworks because "Jim was a rocket man")

[ronedee]

All in all it was not as bad as I expected
(The best funeral I ever went to was an atheist friend which ended up at night with fireworks because "Jim was a rocket man")

I'm glad it turned out better than expected for you...things usually do!

I'm also glad you didn't take the train wreck of advice you got here!

My dad is an atheist...should be a whole different scene. I'm guessing a BIG picture of Johnny Mathis, or ol Blue Eyes, and their musiac wafting about at the funeral home...while everyone says he looks good...and died w/ the "most toys", etc