Letting go

[Losty]

My life has been pretty crazy since like...always. Some of you know more details than others, but that's not really relevant here. I realized some time back that there are people who I love that I need to cut out of my life. I have been fighting this since it became obvious. At some point I finally accepted the inevitable and stopped talking to them. They're either people who poison my life or people who enable those who poison my life. Having even a distant relationship with them is dangerous to my emotional well being and to my safety as well as the safety of my children. No contact has been harder than I thought it would be. I can't seem to let go. Regardless of some pretty awful things some of them have done, I still love them. I still care about them and want them to have good happy lives. I don't want to hurt them in any way. Have you ever had to let go of people you truly loved? How did you deal with the pain? How did you move on? When I look around and realize that outside of my children I have absolutely no one afk that I talk to, spend time with, or trust, how do I cope with the emptiness? Any advice for letting go? Ways to make it easier or faster?

[abaris]

There's certainly no easy way and no fast track if you're emotinally attached to a person.

I had to let go several times. My father and my mother dying would be pretty obvious, but within two months of my father's death, my best friend also passed away. Totally unexpected and still in his 30ies. Sometimes I still dream of my parents, but my best friend virtually haunted my dreams with me always trying to warn him about his impending death and never being able to.

Letting go of people, who are still alive is sometimes easier or sometimes harder. One of my friends and I simply drifted apart at some times. No hard feelings, but also no feelings of loss. Another one was pretty difficult for me. One day we were chatting away on the phone and from the next day on he simply didn't answer my calls anymore. Nothing had happened, he simply cut the contact without giving any reason. That's really hard to this day, although two years have passed since then.

If we're talking lovers, it's a very different matter. Letting go of some was hard, letting go of others, wasn't so hard after all.

[Losty]

Most of them are my family and I'm the one who just up and stopped answering my phone with no explanation. Maybe that makes me awful, but this is just hard enough without having to say goodbye. Besides, I feel like if they're honest with themselves (doubtful) the explanation is quite obvious.

[Minimalist]

Friends you can choose. Family you are stuck with.

Being family is not a sufficient reason to put up with their shit.

[The Grand Nudger]

Have you ever had to let go of people you truly loved?

Yes.

How did you deal with the pain?

I experience it, I don't "deal with it" - I sometimes wonder what people even mean when they say that. If I can ever say "I dealt with it" I'll wonder about myself, what's happened to me, where I went.

How did you move on?

I haven't - not from that loss or that pain..but as far as "moving on with life" is concerned, what choice do we have? The clock doesn't stop for anguish. I wake up and I go through my day, every time I think about them it wrenches me into a knot - and then the day starts all over again...and either they come to mind or they don't. IDK, maybe that sounds bleak, maybe it is - but if so..........what can be done, and if something could be done, would I want to do it? I'll just suggest that you don't need to explain it, and they never need to have an explanation (and neither do you) - all of that is ultimately irrelevant. Keep waking up, keep living out your day - there is no alternative and that's fine...and if it isn't, are you really empowered to change that situation? I don't know the details of your situation, but I'd say -probably not-. You're going to be okay anyway though Losty. If you forget that, just ask me and I'll remind you, eh?

[Losty]

Rythym...thank you. Thank you for that. Surviving is something I'm accustomed to. Getting up every day and living in spite of everything. I can do that. People keep telling me I have to let them go emotionally, I have to cut them out of my heart. It's just something I don't know how to do and the thought of it only serves to further my pain. I understand where they're coming from (because I've been right here before and I missed them so much that I broke down and called all of then), but it's really nice to hear someone who gets that letting it go (stupid frozen FML) isn't really an option.
And please do remind me that I'll be okay. I forget often and it's nice to have a network of awesome people who remind me. :hugs:

[*Deidre*]

Losty, I feel you. In so many ways, I feel you. So many disappointments, with so many people...my dad, men, friends, etc. At the end of the day, we choose who we have in our lives, and often, when we keep seeing repeat ''offenders,'' we have to take a hard road...and leave those people behind. It is the only way to finding peace.

Sometimes, letting go means letting go of people, but sometimes, it means letting go of the pain, angst, and suffering that we have been holding onto...in order to find our best selves. It's a journey, perhaps with no destination. The good news is, we are responsible for this journey, no one else.

I hope things continue to get better.

[Ravenshire]

Friends you can choose. Family you are stuck with.

Being family is not a sufficient reason to put up with their shit.

This. Absolutely and completely this.

I have two brothers I never really talk about. Mostly because I never speak to them or even think of them much. My mom passed in 2007 and that was both the first time I had spoken to either of them in years and the last time I've spoken to either one. Neither can deal with the fact that I won't simply fall in line with their bullshit or that I was mom's favorite (finally got her to admit it on an epic road trip from Oregon to Colorado and back), despite being the only one of her kids that didn't believe the christer bullshit. I don't miss them, nor do I feel that I'm missing any special connectivity because they aren't part of my life. Honestly, they're just too much hassle to bother with. It can be tough when people you care about act like ass-hats and I have no magic words to ease the pain you may feel. I can only reiterate what Min has said.

[Dragonetti]

My mother is having this issue. It is not about religion, but taking advantage of her kindness. They are trying to drain her finances. They only call her for money or to solve their problems.

I have cut ties easily. It will hurt, as you want to think family have the best intentions for you. In most cases, most family barely can stand each other in the same room. I know many families that have moved away in order to keep peace.

Just my two cents. I guess time will only heal those losses.

[SteelCurtain]

Doing what is necessary to protect yourself and your children is paramount.

As far as getting past those feelings, that's not what life's about. You don't do things to make feelings go away. You experience these feelings and process them. Part of the problem is we condition ourselves to feel guilty about having negative feelings after a certain amount of time has passed. It's okay to feel shitty about closing off some abusive family members. That's a shitty situation. But if it's what is best for you, and will make you happier and more capable of taking care of your children, then that's the thing you do. No question. You just have to be sad for a while. It will get better if you actually process the feelings.