Etiquette ?!?!?!?!?

[vorlon13]

Have an etiquette question, of all things.


figured the crew here might have some interesting input so here goes:

Several years ago a LARGE family party was moved back on the calendar a month so cousin 'Deanna and hubby Bobbo' (NTRN)  could attend.

(you already know where this is headed)

So guess who was a no show for the party ?  Yeppers, D and B. (and no call beforehand with even a pathetic excuse)


Anyhow, I figure this is a Miss Manners 'Nuclear Retaliation' "Social DEATH PENALTY" situation, no questions asked, no doubt about it.  We are no longer related to D & B.  [period]


So, how does that work ?   They don't seem to notice, but I don't really care.  Is there a time limit?  They're late 60s/early70s, I assume it's a lifetime ban.  (assuming they don't come to their senses and throw themselves at our collective feet, beseeching forgiveness)

Do we avoid their kids marriages/events?

Do we escort them from other family events should they show up?  Or we just keep ignoring them ?  (I have walked away from them at 2 neighbors funeral luncheons so far, I assume it's different for a family member?)

Do we bring new family members up to speed on the problem? 

If unrelated neighbors ask about what I hope comes across as blatant tension and ostracism at community events, do we inform them ?


This hasn't really come up before in the family from a social situation, past 'feuds' have been over legal/business disagreements, we're in a new game here and we really don't know the rules.

[dyresand]

It would be bad etiquette not to find even ground at this point if you are more than likely are going to see D and B.

[Exian]

Haha Your family does things a little differently than mine. Not showing up is just part of life for us. If you don't make it, you either had a reason, or you didn't feel like coming; both are valid. The only thing that's worthy of passing judgment is holding a grudge.

I guess this also means we don't reschedule reunions for a few members. You make it, you make it- you don't, you don't. What I'm saying is I have no advice for you. Or, the advice I would have wouldn't mean much with your set-up. Different strokes and all.

[vorlon13]

Without a profound and sincere apology to everyone as their first move ice breaker, I don't see the situation changing.

And the apology thing is a 'thing' too. In the month delay for the party, Aunt Edna and Aunt Beatrice (NTRN) both passed away. There are, even 3 years later, some very hard feelings about this still unexplained and un-apologized for slap in the face and 'ruining' of the party. Their seeming acceptance of the situation doesn't seem to indicate any discomfort they have with the situation.

So, I could see some sturdy resistance to 'our side' making any overture 'first'.

[Faith No More]

Well, I think in most families that would just be par for the course. Even if it's not, giving them what is essentially the social death penalty seems overboard. I think part of being family is you tell them how you feel when they wrong you and moving on for the sake of family, unless it's something especially egregious of course, which this doesn't qualify IMO.

[vorlon13]

Haha Your family does things a little differently than mine. Not showing up is just part of life for us. If you don't make it, you either had a reason, or you didn't feel like coming; both are valid. The only thing that's worthy of passing judgment is holding a grudge.

I guess this also means we don't reschedule reunions for a few members. You make it, you make it- you don't, you don't. What I'm saying is I have no advice for you. Or, the advice I would have wouldn't mean much with your set-up. Different strokes and all.

Well, they made quite an objection to the original date.  It could have been a generational thing, except, they're OLD (like me, and everyone else pissed off), it wasn't the younger set messing up the party this occasion.

LOL, they're supposed to know better.  The consensus of us old poops is they don't want to issue mea culpa, then fine, they're out.

Several of us (me included) are under the impression in the etiquette realm, they have royally effed up, and an extraordinary gesture (and realize so far, we have nothing) on their part is the only way out of this.

The family usually gets along just fine and sticks together.  The last big 'schism' of this magnitude was back in the 60s over grandpa's will.  That one resolved in (IIRC) about 18 years, unfortunately, I was a kid when it started, and was working out of state when it resolved, so I don't know any particulars for that one.

As for divorces (and weirdly, there have been damn few in my lifetime) we almost always follow Aune Helen's rule:  the rest of the family follows the kids of the divorced couples lead in how we interact with them.  That works GREAT.  (my cousin Amanda doesn't thinks so, but her kids deemed her the 'problem' and the rest of us followed suit, LOL)

[Exian]

Oh, I understand it a little better now; big reunions for the older folk have a little more at stake, so to speak. I'm still a little confused, because the cause for the reaction and the reaction itself seem to be at odds. You'd think their punishment would be something along the lines of forcing them to host twice as many reunions a year, or something else opposite of the offense. Giving them a double dose of the offense doesn't seem to reflect the love that caused the hurt in the first place.

And to clear up the "hahaha" in my last post: I wasn't laughing at how your family does things, just appreciating our differences. I re-read my post and thought it could be taken as something shitty.

Also! I would have put money on you being, like, 25-35! My age-dar needs recalibrating.

[Kitty Galore]

Same here, thought 20's-30's. Young at heart you are!  

I don't really have a lot of thoughts, I don't have much in the way of family. I probably would avoid them, personally, if they invite them to stuff still, but if they bitch about the date/time, say, "Well, I am sorry you won't be able to make it." The few times I have been in situations like this, ex-in-laws, friends, I think it went like that.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Life is too short to nurture grudges. Don't reschedule anything for them any more, but do not go out of your way to be shitty.

/.02

[pocaracas]

Has anyone asked why they didn't show up?
Maybe they had a last minute thing... Maybe some embarrassing thing.
Go with PT's advice and get along like adults.