Do you care about your significant other's sexual past?

[CapnAwesome]

I was reading the random slut-shaming troll thread and scrolling through it I was a little surprised at the number of people who seemed to think that it mattered at all. It doesn't. I couldn't give half a care about who I'm datings sexual past. I never even ask unless it comes up in normal conversation (which of course it normally does anyway, because sex is a pretty interesting conversation topic.) Why does anyone seem to care?

[Foxaèr]

I do not care about my significant other's sexual past.

As few or as many partners as he has had does not devalue him in any way.

[vorlon13]

I wasn't put off by "Charlie's" (NHRN) HIV+ status, but he would not consider a relationship (sex was OK) with me since I was HIV-.

Brian was unaware of my feelings towards him when he died, but I was in love with him regardless of his status.

I've never discriminated against men for hetero experience(s) in their past. There are men in ongoing hetero relationships that will only have gay sex with other men who are also in ongoing hetero relationships.

I can't say I've had anyone turn me down for my 12 Stepping, I'd be pretty leery of a relationship with an active alcoholic, but for a casual encounter, it hasn't been a problem. I'd probably avoid drunk married men for casual sex if I was aware of the situation.

[SteelCurtain]

Yes.

They need to have had a sexual past.

I need someone who knows what they're doing. Because I have no idea.

[Exian]

Once upon a time I cared. 10 years later, I could care less as long as there's no diseases.

Which sort of leads into a discussion of cheating. There was a time when sexual intamacy and being "special" was extremely important to me. After my ex and I split, I dated a few girls who were all very nice and lovely, and each of them would have made good long-term partners. But something dawned on me, which was the idea that if they cheated on me, I wouldn't care, as long as it was safe, and no diseases were transmitted. At first I thought this was a reflection of how little I really cared for that person, how bonded I was, and I subsequently broke it off with many of them, but now I just think its an extension of having realistic expectations and ideals of what love means.

I'm still not confident that this is the right way to go about things, so I thought I'd air it out. If a woman was honest with me and wanted to have other sexual partners, I'd say go for it and get tested. Am I wrong in viewing this as an extension of being at peace with your partners past?

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Yes.

They need to have had a sexual past.

I need someone who knows what they're doing. Because I have no idea.

Baaahaha You're the shit, Steel.

[Jenny A]

That they had a lot of sex, no, it's not something I care about.  No, wait, actually, I like a lot of sex, so it would be a recommendation of sorts. And a prudish background might give me a little concern, but it's pretty easy to try out whether that's a problem. 

What would concern me is a history of infidelity.  If you promise someone you only have sex with them and then cheat, chances are higher you'll do that again.  That would worry me, especially if I found out through a third party. To be clear, that's not the same as having multiple partners at once. As long as it's all above board, not a problem.

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Once upon a time I cared. 10 years later, I could care less as long as there's no diseases.

Which sort of leads into a discussion of cheating. There was a time when sexual intamacy and being "special" was extremely important to me. After my ex and I split, I dated a few girls who were all very nice and lovely, and each of them would have made good long-term partners. But something dawned on me, which was the idea that if they cheated on me, I wouldn't care, as long as it was safe, and no diseases were transmitted. At first I thought this was a reflection of how little I really cared for that person, how bonded I was, and I subsequently broke it off with many of them, but now I just think its an extension of having realistic expectations and ideals of what love means.

I'm still not confident that this is the right way to go about things, so I thought I'd air it out. If a woman was honest with me and wanted to have other sexual partners, I'd say go for it and get tested. Am I wrong in viewing this as an extension of being at peace with your partners past?

I think this is a very personal matter.  It matters to me that if I promise fidelity, I give it and that if I am promised fidelity I get it.  It's about integrity.

But I've had more than one partner at once.  It's just that I was open about it.  Honesty is important.

[Chad32]

Any possible STDs she might have. Any Ex boy/girlfriends I might need to know about. I would expect the conversation to come up before the three year mark. Now different people have different opinions on what is important in a relationship. I figure as long as she's clean, and I don't have to worry about some stranger hanging around my house and giving me the stink-eye, it's not so bad. Abstinence only is unrealistic, and can be objectively proven to not work. Still, if you want a virgin then you should ask at some point. If you like them experienced, that's fine too.

It's just one of those things that's best brought up before wedding plans are made.

[Jackalope]

It's certainly not something I would be jealous or resentful about.

[Rev. Rye]

This is probably the last word on thinking about your partner's sexual past:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yH1XlakFje4

As long as they don't have an STD, who cares?

[Exian]

I think this is a very personal matter.  It matters to me that if I promise fidelity, I give it and that if I am promised fidelity I get it.  It's about integrity.

But I've had more than one partner at once.  It's just that I was open about it.  Honesty is important.

Ah! Yes, you've narrowed it down to the rub. Honesty was the element missing from my post. When my ex cheated on me and left, I fought to get her back. When she did it again, I let her go. Through out that time, and for a few years after, I was angry and felt betrayed, but now I'm not so sure I would care if someone lies to me or cheats on me. I don't really see the importance, other than staying STD free. If I'm outwardly ok with my partner having other partners, why would I care if she somehow kept it from me? I look at it as human nature now. It just doesn't happen to be my nature; I'm a one gal type of guy, and it took me years to see how unrealistic it was to hold others to that.

Lying is a little harder to reconcile, but I get it. There's somewhat of a social contract that says when you enter a relationship it will be exclusive. Lying about breaking that contract is an attempt to keep peace and spare hard feelings, which makes it no different from any other lie, and it's very human.

I don't know, I'm re-fleshing this out in real-time after having been settled on the issue years ago. A part of me still thinks I'm not able to fall in love again, which was my initial conclusion, because I have no issue with my partner having other partners. Also, telling someone up front that you don't care about that stuff hardly ever goes over well. Seems to piss the lady off, as she makes the assumption that I have no morals or values concerning fidelity. I should probably work out how to explain that better in the future.