Your favorite surahs

[Mudhammam]

1.7 billion sheep apparently profess allegiance to a book in which roughly 80% (92 of the Qur'an's 114 surahs) relate to hell, fire, doom, and punishment, and makes the torturous murders committed by self-proclaimed Islamic groups like ISIS appear moderately tame in comparison to the fortunes that unbelievers can look forward to under the direction of Allah on the Day of Judgment. Still, we are told it is a religion that embodies peace and timeless wisdom. So, in honor of the sleaze who allegedly wrote this bigoted trash, post your favorite surahs. I'll start with 4:34:

Men are the protec-tors and maintainers of women because Allah has made one of them excel over the other, and because they spend out of their possessions (to support them). Thus righteous women are obedient and guard the rights of men in their absence under Allah's protection. As for women of whom you fear rebellion, admonish them, and remain apart from them in beds, and beat them. Then if they obey you, do not seek ways to harm them. Allah is Exalted, Great.

[Minimalist]

I can safely say that I regard every one of them the same.

They are all horseshit.

[Exian]

All it takes is suspicion to permit me to beat a woman who I have kept away from? I don't even have to be aquatinted with her? *riiing* "Hello, ISIS? Where do I sign?"

[Alex K]

It literally tells you when to stop beating your wife. I guess some need the reminder...

[Exian]

I love the little side-mouth whisper action at the end: "Allah is exalted". You should read it at 2x the speed and drop your tone a whole step for optimal subliminal results.

[paulpablo]

I think you mean verse, rather than surah.  A surah is an entire chapter of the quran.
Also when you say favorite, I'm guessing from the one you chose that you mean which verses in the quran are the most easy to ridicule as being unbelievable or for being politically incorrect.
This is a actually an entire surah dedicated to Abu Lahab who was Muhammad's uncle who disbelieved in the quran and the cult that Muhammad started.
Bare in mind that this is gods final message, not Muhammad's, and it's supposed to be addressed to all of mankind.
There's no other mention of Abu Lahab in the quran, if you're just reading the quran and you have no idea of the local history around Muhammad and his family this verse basically means nothing. You have no idea who he is, why his wife is carrying wood or why he's going to go to hell or that he's even Muhammad's uncle.
It's kind of like me sailing to a tribe in papua new guinea and saying "Hey I've got a chapter from god addressed to you, he says John is a bad man, he's going to hell, and his wife the player of loud annoying music at night is joining him."

May the hands of Abu Lahab be ruined, and ruined is he.
His wealth will not avail him or that which he gained.
He will [enter to] burn in a Fire of [blazing] flame
And his wife [as well] - the carrier of firewood.
Around her neck is a rope of [twisted] fiber.

The next one is from the story of Noah.

And it sailed with them through waves like mountains, and Noah called to his son who was apart [from them], "O my son, come aboard with us and be not with the disbelievers."
[But] he said, "I will take refuge on a mountain to protect me from the water." [Noah] said, "There is no protector today from the decree of Allah , except for whom He gives mercy." And the waves came between them, and he was among the drowned.

Noah sails through waves like mountains using a ship built before the year 0 AD and also manages to have a conversation with his son who isn't even on the boat at the time just by calling out to him.  Doesn't say where his son is stood, he's not on a mountain at this point because he says he will go to a mountain, which is odd because Noahs ship has already sailed through waves like mountains before the convo with his son started.

He was created from a fluid, ejected,
Emerging from between the backbone and the ribs.

This is another couple of verses which are great for playing the game of "The quran has to be right if you're a muslim no matter what."
The game basically consists of making up as many excuses for vague obscure, seemingly scientifically incorrect statements in quran as possible.  Even if the excuses actually contradict other Muslims excuses.
So for this verse, it would seem that the quran is unaware that sperm is actually created in the testes.
The Islamic excuses range from the verse is actually talking about the fluid which emerges from the prostate, which makes no sense because this isn't where sperm comes from.
The verses are talking about the testicles forming in the embyro.  The verses are talking about a vain which pumps blood to the testes.
With a book full of arabic poetry you can make anything correct, if scientists discovered tomorrow that sperm and seaman were both produced in the big toe these verses would still be correct.

[Mudhammam]

I think you mean verse, rather than surah.  A surah is an entire chapter of the quran.
Also when you say favorite, I'm guessing from the one you chose that you mean which verses in the quran are the most easy to ridicule as being unbelievable or for being politically incorrect.

Thanks for the correction paul! And yes that is exactly what I meant! I also slightly misspoke when I said "roughly 80%" as I didn't explicitly specify that I meant 80% of its chapters mention hell, fire, doom, or punishment in some way, not that 80% of the overall text is about that... although it is arguably the most dominant theme in the Qur'an next to monotheism.

Here's a few more good examples of how fucking sick Mohammad really was:

A beseecher besought the visitation of chastisement,
(a chastisement meant) for the unbelievers, one which none can avert;
a chastisement from Allah, the Lord of the ascending steps,
by which the angels and the Spirit ascend to Him in one Day the duration of which is fifty thousand years.
So, (O Prophet), persevere with gracious perseverance.
Verily they think that the chastisement is far off, while We think that it is near at hand.
It shall befall on a Day whereon the sky will become like molten brass, 
and the mountains will become like dyed tufts of wool,
and no bosom friend will enquire about any of his bosom friends
although they shall be within sight of one another. The guilty one would fain ransom himself from the torment of that Day by offering his children,
and his spouse and his brother,
and his kinsfolk who had stood by him,
and all persons of the earth, if only he could thus save himself.‏ 
By no means! It will be the fierce flame
that will strip off the scalp.
70:1-16

The unbelievers say: “We shall never believe in this Qur'an, nor in any Scripture before it." If you could only see the wrong-doers arrayed before their Lord, each bandying charges against the other. Those who were suppressed will say to those who waxed arrogant: “Had it not been for you, we would have been believers.” The arrogant ones will retort to those who were suppressed: “What! Did we bar you from the guidance after it came to you? Not at all; rather you yourselves were evil-doers.” Those who were suppressed will say to those who waxed arrogant: “By no means; it was your scheming, night and day, when you would enjoin us to disbelieve in Allah and set up others as equals to Him.” When they are confronted with the chastisement, they will be remorseful in their hearts. We shall put fetters around the necks of the unbelievers. Can people be requited except for their deeds?
34:31-33

Did you not see those who dispute concerning Allah's Signs? Whence are they, then, being turned astray?
Those who gave the lie to this Book and all the Books which We had sent with Our Messengers shall soon come to know the Truth
when fetters and chains shall be on their necks, and they shall be dragged into
boiling water, and cast into the Fire.
40:70-72

Verily We created man out of a drop of intermingled sperm so that We might try him, and We therefore endowed him with hearing and sight.
Surely We showed him the Right Path, regardless of whether he chooses to be thankful or unthankful (to his Lord).
For the unbelievers, We have kept ready chains and fetters and a Blazing Fire.
76:2-4

What could go wrong with someone believing and teaching their children that this is the Creator of the Universe's special message to mankind?

[ReptilianPeon]

Surah is the name given to a chapter of the Quran. Iyah is the name given to individual verses. I will provide my three favourite Iyah, with my most favourite last.

3. Splitting of the moon (for which there is no evidence and I can tell simply by looking at the moon):
Quran 54:1 "The Hour (of Judgment) is nigh, and the moon is cleft asunder."

2. Ants communicating verbally in a story about King Solomon:
Quran 27:18 "At length, when they came to a (lowly) valley of ants, one of the ants said: "O ye ants, get into your habitations, lest Solomon and his hosts crush you (under foot) without knowing it."
Apparently this a scientific miracle of the Quran (lol)...

1. Striking a murdered person with a piece of heifer (beef; young cow) can bring them back to life:
Quran 2:73 "So We said: "Strike the (body) with a piece of the (heifer)." Thus Allah bringeth the dead to life and showeth you His Signs: Perchance ye may understand."

Edit: To close, I'll leave you with this curious verse to ponder from Surah At Talaq (Divorce): Quran 65:4 "Such of your women as have passed the age of monthly courses, for them the prescribed period, if ye have any doubts, is three months, and for those who have no courses (it is the same): for those who carry (life within their wombs), their period is until they deliver their burdens: and for those who fear Allah, He will make their path easy."

[Mystic]

The verse doesn't state by what he made one excel the other, it rather states by what he made some excel others, and that could be that men excel each other in certain attributes, and that that it's due to these attributes, he made men protectors of women. The next part about "beat them", that's one way of translating, another is to separate/go away from them, and as far as Shia hadiths go, this is what has support by an authentic hadith while beating is all weak hadiths.

[Marsellus Wallace]

my all time favorite is 8:12