[i][i][i]"ECHOES OF AN EGO" My Story.
By William Alexander.
The date is the second of April 2008. I am seated at my desk writing this article.
WHAT HAPPENED? A simple question, the answer however is not so.
I really don't know how to answer this exactly. I remember being so low from my discovery and desperately trying to survive the implications of what just happened.
I know this much, I needed something, anything to get through this emotional, moral and psychological roller coaster that was spiraling toward what seemed to be a complete breakdown. It was so black, I couldn't see any light at the end of this - long dark echo.
I had no real desire to die, but, if I did, I did really care either way, as I was not afraid of death. In my mind there was nothing left in me. If I lived, well I still don't know what I thought about living. I was so bewildered, dazed and confused, I really didn't know what life meant any more. My confidence level was shot to pieces. I had lost everything, my family, my carer, my vision, my hopes, my direction, my love, my faith, my passion and my life as I knew it. It just disappeared before my eyes. But I was wrong. My life at this point, was simply “an unanswered question”
THE DISCOVERY:
What I discovered, was that what I had believed for sixteen years was nothing more than an elaborate story. I believed in the God of the Old and New Testament. I was a Christian Minister within the main line Protestant denominations. Not long after I graduated from Bible collage, I found myself as an assistant Pastor of a small country church. After a few years I was offered credentials in another major denomination of like mind. Years went by before I found myself involved with an organization that worked within and along side the Outlaw Motorcycle scene.
I was already the Senior Pastor of a Street Church. We worked primarily with street people, druggies, dealers, alcoholics, and bikers. It was the only church of its kind in the State. There was a constant demand to speak or lecturing in High Schools, Colleges, youth Rallies and Jails. I had preached in pulpits from the High Church of England, through to the Hyper Pentecostals churches. From the evangelical tradition, to addressing Ministers conferences. From biker rallies and weddings, to lecturing in Bible Collages . It took me all around Australia. My life was full-on to say the least. Of course, I believed it was God's will.
As I was mixing with such a variety of Ministry, from across most of the denominational spectrum, I was in a position to discuss scripture with many a Minister. Each denomination or non-denomination, had their own perception and interpretation of the scriptures, all with their own observations and Doctrines.
WHICH TRUTH IS THE TRUTH?
I began to see that doctrine was simply a matter of how you arranged the scriptures. Each church uses the same book, verse against verse, chapter against chapter, story against story. It all depends on your particular bias or agenda. What is taught as truth in one church, is not in another. I now see that doctrine is simply the formulation of information no matter what the subject. As we seek knowledge in any subject, it has to change, as this is a characteristic of study. What we don’t notice however, is the slow transition, a drifting if you like. But this is simply interpreted as "growing in the knowledge of the Lord."
MAJOR DENOMINATIONS IN DOCTRINAL CONFLICT:
There's the Jehovah's Witness, the Christadephians, the Mormons, the Catholics, the Brethren, open or closed. The Baptists and the Churches of Christ, the Independent Baptist and Churches of Christ, the Uniting Church, the Anglicans, the Seventh Day Adventist and the Churches of God. The Assemblies of God, the Apostolic Church, the Reformed Churches, the Methodists, the Presbyterians, the Congregationalists and the Christian Science, it's an endless list of faiths and creeds, not to mention all the unaffiliated Independent Churches. There are over three thousand listed denominations in the world, not counting those unlisted.
Some of my base doctrines and fundamental beliefs were challenged and I was constantly forced to rethink my position. I started to see that what I used to believe on a particular subject was not what I believed now. (More knowledge always changes our point of view, it has too by nature.)
This was happening right at the point of my highest popularity. Of course, I believed this to mean that God was leading me toward a successful ministry and the devil was trying to confuse me. (How's that for common sense?)
I was being pulled in two directions. Outward success and inner conflict, two very powerful opposing forces. Whilst I was energized by success, I was being drained by the doctrinal conflict within my mind.
I BEGAN TO SEE:
Over the years as an Evangelist/teacher, I had befriended many a minister from many different denominations, all of which believed a similar yet dissimilar doctrine to mine. Of course I believed that what I believed was the TRUTH, likewise my brethren believed that their doctrines were the TRUTH.
I began to look at my own doctrinal discoveries over the years and noticed the changes. What I believed initially had gradually moved to another understanding, unbeknown to me at the time. Perceptions of God’s composition for example, was he a Trinity or a Singular? Was Jesus the Son of God, or was he God himself in the flesh? Was Heaven up there in the sky, or was it here on earth? Was Hell a place of torment, or complete inhalation? Was Sin a Divine concept, or the just the opinions of men? Was the Devil an Angel that fell from heaven, or was he just the dark side of our humanity? (Incidentally scripture can support all of these opposing views, it all depends on how you are introduced to them and how you choose to arrange the verses and stories order of preference or bias.) I began to see that “doctrine was simply the justification of biblical contradiction” (See Illusions of Faith - Doctrine & Biblical contradiction)
I also began to see that the Church (including myself) were justifying God’s actions (or total lack of) regarding world events, such as disasters, earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, fires etc. All the church could say was: “God moves in mysterious way” or “It’s the Judgment of God” or “It’s a sign of the end times as predicted in the scripture” – “Some were saying that it was the work of the Devil” when all of these things had had been happening for thousands of years. They was nothing out of the ordinary here, there was nothing supernatural about these events, they were just NATURAL occurrences of planet earth, and always had been.
If there was a God, then why wasn’t He doing anything about it, after all He was supposed be the creator of the universe. All He could do (or so we believed) was to MIRACULOUSLY save one or two people out of thousands, there is no miracle in this. Is that all He is capable of? Bull Shit, there was nothing but confusion, justification and contradiction. (See Illusions of Faith - The Judgments of God) There is nothing supernatural about predicting natural disaster. (See Illusions of Faith - Prophecy)
All this was supposed to be THE TRUTH, the undeniable, uncompromising, unquestioning TRUTH. Yet I could no longer see this, as I began to question the unquestionable and deny the undeniable. I was beginning to see doctrinal compromise, I was began to see that there is a massive difference between a true story, and a story that was true.
Truth is not perceptional, nor is it translatable. Truth is not subject to change or interpretation. Truth IS, and always will be. I began to question everything in relation to what I had believed and what I now thought I believed. The only thing that I could clearly see, was that I was clearly confused as to how this could be happening. Where are you? What are you? Who are you? Are you?
I remember standing and addressing a large congregation whilst on a 5 week mission (crusade) and thinking to myself, I really can’t believe what I am saying any longer. I felt no assistance from any power above, nothing, all I felt was un-belief and total bewilderment.
I can home to my wife (now divorced) and said: “I’ve had it, I’m out” Shortly after, everything went to shit. Of course, everyone said, “I was deceived by the devil, or it was because I did not believe what they believed”
(It this point, I could still only see things from a subjective view, it was many years later before I began see things from an objective point of view)
How did this happen?
How could this happen?
What is the truth? (Truth can not be discovered if we are only willing to look at an argument from one side, do we must look at ALL the available evidence if we truly wish to make an unbiased conclusion)
As my mind went in overdrive, I realized that this was the beginning of the end. I can't tell you what happened next, because it all just becomes a blur, and it may not have happened exactly as I remember it.
THE AFTERMATH:
There was nothing, not a word, no deliverance, no help from anyone, not the church, not God, Nothing!
This I can remember.
THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL BEGAN:
I may not have the order of events correct but this is as close to what I can remember of the journey. Shock, thoughts of "what the f....?" then just numbness. A deep-seated pain, followed by feelings of anger and frustration. The cycle began; disillusionment, denial and self deception, a lack of care, motivation and ambition, laziness, low self-esteem and a short attention span, head aches, self abuse, erratic sleeping pattens, confusion, taking chances and feelings of abandonment.
It was an uncontrollable roller coaster of emotion. Irresponsible, reclusive behavior, a string of excuses, procrastination, secrecy, hiding, anxiety attacks and living in an illusion. There were thoughts of giving up, the fear of getting close to anyone, especially women, yet strangely empathetic toward other peoples pain. Commitment issues, misunderstood by others, a lack of discipline, the inability to talk to anyone about what had happened. Rebellion to authority, irregular thought patterns, interpreting things incorrectly through an emotional fog. Reaching breaking point, no hope, a search for meaning, then fears of never being normal and becoming an eccentric.
You may identify or recognize some of these traits if you have ever been through a separation, a divorce or the death of a loved one. These are pretty well normal symptoms of rejection, abandonment or betrayal.
WHAT A FOOL I'D BEEN:
How could I have been such a fool, how could I have been so wrong, how could I have been deceived. I was totally embarrassed by the fact that I was an Ordained Minister.
I didn't tell anyone about my involvement in religious matters, some of my current friends still don't know. I was ashamed of my connection with religion, I even denied my involvement. (Didn't hear any cocks crow) The subject repulsed me.
All I had were feelings of anger, frustration and no answers.
Who am I? - What am I?
What am I going to do?
The need for stimulants.
How was I to lift this deep feeling of abandonment, loss and anxiety? I had no direction and no mission, I was lost and empty. I desperately needed help, but who was I to go to, who would understand where I was coming from? I knew of no ex-ministers or organizations that could deal with this. (Hence the primary reason I wrote “Illusions of Faith” – as a therapeutic for myself and as a message of hope and understanding for those that have or may find themselves going to go though this maze of confusion)
Next stop, was crash and burn. I now know that I was suffering from a massive identity crisis. Who I was and all that I had accomplished was gone. Everything that I had believed, was a lie. What now? I was a nobody!
It felt like I was going insane, my mind was in hyper-drive. I desperately needed energizing . To cut this story short, as a student of philosophy I needed stimulation, my mind was suffering from boredom, so I began a search for "mind food." This became an all consuming craving and took priority over everything, my family, my work, anything that bought me back into the real world of loss and depression. When your descending deeper and deeper into that black nothingness, you'll grab a hold of whatever's available to prevent the inevitable thud at the bottom.
Because I was already associated with the biker scene, it was easy to just remain therein. I was familiar with it and it with me. I had established friendships, contacts and felt comfortable within this world. Remembering my frame of mind, this seemed to be a natural alternative. With the endless supply of drugs, alcohol and women, my depression seemingly disappeared, buried, none existent, well so I thought.
It wasn't long before I was nominated to be a member of a club and began working as a bodyguard for "business men", hookers, and strippers. I was making good money, which seemed to take to edge off the moral implication. You can justify anything when you want to, I found this out with church doctrine.
As a gospel singer, naturally I wanted to sing, So I moved into the Rock N' Blues scene. Probably the best gig I ever did, was at a Biker Club-house. Bikers of all colored denominations were there, drugs, women and Blues music, the place was pumpin', it could be heard 1/2 a kilometer away. It was one mind-blowing experience to say the least. But I was still living in an illusion.
Before I became a Christian, I was a student of several Martial Arts. At my exit, I returned to this and becoming an Instructor. I then moved into the world of bouncing, a world where the men are separated from the boys. It was a great place to test my defensive techniques. Some worked and some didn't, so I trained to improve. I had found my place.
The next step up the ranks was to become a Body Guard and Armed Escort. This was cool. I mainly worked for businesses men, bank managers, lawyers and an occasional Musician or Actor (no one of any consequence - It's nothing like the movies.) It wasn't long before I was employed to train bouncers and body guards. What a trip. I was mixing with world class fighters. I needed things that made me feel good about myself. Anything that would lift my self worth.
It wasn't until I started to teach my kids the art, that I unknowingly stumbled upon a principle that would change my life and lead me toward the answer to "My quest."
Because I was riding high, I didn't know I was suffering from depression. I was so focused on more stimuli. I now had three passions, singing, drugs and training. I hated work so I sort out jobs that would energize me. Singing in pub's - the thrill of an audience. Bouncing in Pub's - feelings of power and control. A bodyguard - a real ego-trip. A fight trainer. I was in tune, focused, fast and professional. I felt strong and in control again.
THE MINISTRY OF EGO:
As a minister, I did not or could not see how much ego was actually involved.
Of course this is true of all ministers, but they too are so blinded by what they believe, they can not see beyond their own delusion. They are all suffering from delusions of grander, the "I Am" complex. But once you lose the "illusions of faith" it all becomes abundantly clear.
FACING THE DEMON - HEAD ON:
I found it a real struggle to survive emotionally. It was a roller coaster of impulsive thought patterns and behavior, resulting in a string of failed relationships. Life was never going to be the same.
It wasn't until I turned to face what had been and where I had come from, that I could be free of the effects of this "Psychological mind game." I have however faced a large part of it, but there is still more to discover. I am finally feeling a clear and liberated mind. What did I believe, or not believe? A stable philosophy was essential.
THROWING DOWN THE GAUNTLET:
I remember going to tea with a girl friend and a number of her Christian friends. One of them was an Elder in a Pentecostal Church and a Lawyer with 35 years experience on the bench. He asked me in front of everyone: "So tell us, why don't you believe in God?"
My immediate responded without even thinking, was: "Why do you believe in God?"
He said: "Because I want too"
I said: "I don't want too"
He did not know what to say, I'd caught him of guard. (clearing the guard is part of a fighters strategy) Until this, I had discussed religion with no-one, not even my girl friend. God was out of my life. I didn't even think about him.
What he (the lawyer) didn't realize, was that I too had fought in the arena of law. I had been a minister of religious law. Ministers like lawyers, deal with the interpretation of law. They both argue their position from a set precedent, found in doctrine, or the records of law. Remember historically, the ministry were the law, the ministry were both the prosecution and the defense counsel. (Remember the Inquisition)
I wanted to push his arrogant face in. How dare he try and embarrass me in front of these people. So I decided to embarrass him, before a jury of his peers. I thought:
“You want to fight mate? Well you’ve got one!”
I said: "I want to ask you a question.
He said: "OK."
I said: "Either there is a God, or there isn't - True or false?"
He thought, and said: "True!"
So I asked him another question: "Either God created man, or man created God
- True of false?"
He said: "True!"
THE SET UP: (The art to any engagement, is in the entry - Fight Psychology)
I said: "If God created man, then I'm wrong. But if man created God, then your wrong, and he is nothing more than a figment of your imagination - True or false?"
After he paused to think, he had to say: "True"
There can only be one answer to these questions, and that is "True!"
He said: "Can you prove there is no God?"
I said: "I don't have to, I'm not claiming the existence of anything supernatural, you are. The onus is on you to prove your case"
Being a lawyer, he knew I was right, as the burden of proof rests with the claimant.
I then asked him another question: “What is the opposite of God?”
He, like all Christians answered: “The Devil of course”
I said: “If that is true, then that would make the Devil equal in all respects to that of your God. All powerful, all knowing, and everywhere, wouldn’t it?”
He said: “No that can’t be true – the Devil is not equal with God”
I said: “Exactly, the only opposite to the existence of God, can be the non-existence of God, for the opposite to a force, is not another force, but the absence of force.”
He changed the subject.
REALIST/ATHEISM:
Atheism is not a belief, on the contrary, it is an unbelief, a non-belief. It does not require any faith to be an realist/atheist. As a matter of fact you don't have to believe in anything at all.
Faith is not a natural conclusion, it is taught and each religion teaches a different doctrinal truth. It's simple, God only exists within the minds of men, and each denomination has their own interpretation of him. The challenge of my life was to find out who I was, because that was who I had lost.
GETTING UP.
In September 1997, my children came to live with me. It wasn't until THAT DAY, that I discover my true identity. I was a father. I had been a father for 18 years and hadn't even noticed, because religion had clouded my mind to the truth. This is who I was, and that is who I am, and it is who I always will be.
I saw it in their eyes.
They bought life, purpose, love and a future. I had found my direction, my mission and all my hope had returned. They were my salvation. I now believe that the Salvation of mankind is found in the FAMILY and then the greater family. Life was not easy, as I had obtained some bad habits along the way. But we made it through. No thanks to God.
TRUE PURPOSE and ETERNAL HOPE:
If you can't see the purpose of our existence in the eyes of your children, you must be blind and no amount of faith or religion can substitute for the truth of it. Take a good look into the eyes of a new born child and see - if you can't - then look again.
"Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men-above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy" - “Only a life lived for others, is a life worth living.”
Albert Einstein.
HOPE:
Hope is hard to find after your eternal life insurance has been canceled.
At first, I didn't care, I only lived for the now. Then one of my kids asked me a question about God and Eternal life. I hadn't thought about, I was having such a good time being confused and disorientated.
It wasn’t until I started to formulate to answers, that I began to understand what had actually happened, well bits and pieces anyway. I became more confident within myself about what I didn't believe.
Are you saved?
This was a question put to me by a young Pentecostal Christian who tried to witness to me. All I had to do, was asked him a couple of selected questions that I knew he could not answer. Then he began asking me questions, which I could answer. He didn't want to talk about it any longer. Then a Christadelphian also tried, I had him back-tracking within minutes. I no longer do this, but it was fun. All they have, is the bible, it's their only source of information, without it they have NOTHING.
All religion has, is their faith in stories, stories found in a story book. (They ought to supply crayons with it) Friends began to ask me questions, as they saw I was now open to discuss these issues and I found myself answering their questions without hesitation or embarrassment. My intention has never been to convert others, but make them think beyond their belief in their "tree of life experience", and look toward "the tree of knowledge and rational."
"Reason is the Devils harlot, who can do naught but slander and harm what God says and does" Martin Luther, founder of the Lutheran Church. How true a statement. Reason, is Gods greatest enemy, as it challenges his very existence.
ETERNAL LIFE AND THE REALIST/ATHEIST:
How we are remembered, is how we will remain (live) in the memories of those we call family and friends. I now believe this is the only logical judgment to the question of everlasting life. It's what we put into the lives of our children, our family and our friends, good or bad, that will remain in their minds?
Life goes on when we're gone, but what we leave behind in the memories of our loved ones, will live on. So be sure to leave a good account, because we only get one shot at it, as that is all there is that remains of us.
I wrote a tribute to my Grandfather long go, it may explain what I am trying to say. I remember reading his World War One Diary. (This diary, is now in the Canberra War Memorial, one that can be verified by thousands of other historic eyewitness accounts). He recorded his-story and his mates, a story of sacrifices made. These men fought and died for their country, their families. Jesus died however, believing in his own stories, he actually believed he was the savior of the world. These men died believing in the right to freedom for all men.
After all, what is so special about what Jesus did? He died? So, everyone dies!
You may say: But he rose! Who says so - You?
My Tribute was motivated by these stories. It reads:
"He still abides in the hearts and memories, of three living generations, and is still seen as a symbol of what is right and good"
Now I realize, that he was just a man, and that he may not have been perfect. My point is, that his example still lives in both my father, my sister, and I, and he still effects the lives of our children. I can only hope, that you too have a person like this who has been such an inspiration, a man or a woman that has encouraged you, one that has stirred you by their example to do what is right and good. You never know, this kind of thinking may become an epidemic. There is still hope for the future.
I have since written 2 books on the subject of Religion & Atheism.
I hope they are of use to anyone in need of clarification of thought.
Illusions of Faith http//:www.illusionsoffaith.webs.com
The God Question http//:www.thegodquestion.webs.com
ECHOES OF AN EGO.
From:
"Illusions of Faith"
by William Alexander.
[email protected][/i][/i][/i]
By William Alexander.
The date is the second of April 2008. I am seated at my desk writing this article.
WHAT HAPPENED? A simple question, the answer however is not so.
I really don't know how to answer this exactly. I remember being so low from my discovery and desperately trying to survive the implications of what just happened.
I know this much, I needed something, anything to get through this emotional, moral and psychological roller coaster that was spiraling toward what seemed to be a complete breakdown. It was so black, I couldn't see any light at the end of this - long dark echo.
I had no real desire to die, but, if I did, I did really care either way, as I was not afraid of death. In my mind there was nothing left in me. If I lived, well I still don't know what I thought about living. I was so bewildered, dazed and confused, I really didn't know what life meant any more. My confidence level was shot to pieces. I had lost everything, my family, my carer, my vision, my hopes, my direction, my love, my faith, my passion and my life as I knew it. It just disappeared before my eyes. But I was wrong. My life at this point, was simply “an unanswered question”
THE DISCOVERY:
What I discovered, was that what I had believed for sixteen years was nothing more than an elaborate story. I believed in the God of the Old and New Testament. I was a Christian Minister within the main line Protestant denominations. Not long after I graduated from Bible collage, I found myself as an assistant Pastor of a small country church. After a few years I was offered credentials in another major denomination of like mind. Years went by before I found myself involved with an organization that worked within and along side the Outlaw Motorcycle scene.
I was already the Senior Pastor of a Street Church. We worked primarily with street people, druggies, dealers, alcoholics, and bikers. It was the only church of its kind in the State. There was a constant demand to speak or lecturing in High Schools, Colleges, youth Rallies and Jails. I had preached in pulpits from the High Church of England, through to the Hyper Pentecostals churches. From the evangelical tradition, to addressing Ministers conferences. From biker rallies and weddings, to lecturing in Bible Collages . It took me all around Australia. My life was full-on to say the least. Of course, I believed it was God's will.
As I was mixing with such a variety of Ministry, from across most of the denominational spectrum, I was in a position to discuss scripture with many a Minister. Each denomination or non-denomination, had their own perception and interpretation of the scriptures, all with their own observations and Doctrines.
WHICH TRUTH IS THE TRUTH?
I began to see that doctrine was simply a matter of how you arranged the scriptures. Each church uses the same book, verse against verse, chapter against chapter, story against story. It all depends on your particular bias or agenda. What is taught as truth in one church, is not in another. I now see that doctrine is simply the formulation of information no matter what the subject. As we seek knowledge in any subject, it has to change, as this is a characteristic of study. What we don’t notice however, is the slow transition, a drifting if you like. But this is simply interpreted as "growing in the knowledge of the Lord."
MAJOR DENOMINATIONS IN DOCTRINAL CONFLICT:
There's the Jehovah's Witness, the Christadephians, the Mormons, the Catholics, the Brethren, open or closed. The Baptists and the Churches of Christ, the Independent Baptist and Churches of Christ, the Uniting Church, the Anglicans, the Seventh Day Adventist and the Churches of God. The Assemblies of God, the Apostolic Church, the Reformed Churches, the Methodists, the Presbyterians, the Congregationalists and the Christian Science, it's an endless list of faiths and creeds, not to mention all the unaffiliated Independent Churches. There are over three thousand listed denominations in the world, not counting those unlisted.
Some of my base doctrines and fundamental beliefs were challenged and I was constantly forced to rethink my position. I started to see that what I used to believe on a particular subject was not what I believed now. (More knowledge always changes our point of view, it has too by nature.)
This was happening right at the point of my highest popularity. Of course, I believed this to mean that God was leading me toward a successful ministry and the devil was trying to confuse me. (How's that for common sense?)
I was being pulled in two directions. Outward success and inner conflict, two very powerful opposing forces. Whilst I was energized by success, I was being drained by the doctrinal conflict within my mind.
I BEGAN TO SEE:
Over the years as an Evangelist/teacher, I had befriended many a minister from many different denominations, all of which believed a similar yet dissimilar doctrine to mine. Of course I believed that what I believed was the TRUTH, likewise my brethren believed that their doctrines were the TRUTH.
I began to look at my own doctrinal discoveries over the years and noticed the changes. What I believed initially had gradually moved to another understanding, unbeknown to me at the time. Perceptions of God’s composition for example, was he a Trinity or a Singular? Was Jesus the Son of God, or was he God himself in the flesh? Was Heaven up there in the sky, or was it here on earth? Was Hell a place of torment, or complete inhalation? Was Sin a Divine concept, or the just the opinions of men? Was the Devil an Angel that fell from heaven, or was he just the dark side of our humanity? (Incidentally scripture can support all of these opposing views, it all depends on how you are introduced to them and how you choose to arrange the verses and stories order of preference or bias.) I began to see that “doctrine was simply the justification of biblical contradiction” (See Illusions of Faith - Doctrine & Biblical contradiction)
I also began to see that the Church (including myself) were justifying God’s actions (or total lack of) regarding world events, such as disasters, earthquakes, floods, hurricanes, fires etc. All the church could say was: “God moves in mysterious way” or “It’s the Judgment of God” or “It’s a sign of the end times as predicted in the scripture” – “Some were saying that it was the work of the Devil” when all of these things had had been happening for thousands of years. They was nothing out of the ordinary here, there was nothing supernatural about these events, they were just NATURAL occurrences of planet earth, and always had been.
If there was a God, then why wasn’t He doing anything about it, after all He was supposed be the creator of the universe. All He could do (or so we believed) was to MIRACULOUSLY save one or two people out of thousands, there is no miracle in this. Is that all He is capable of? Bull Shit, there was nothing but confusion, justification and contradiction. (See Illusions of Faith - The Judgments of God) There is nothing supernatural about predicting natural disaster. (See Illusions of Faith - Prophecy)
All this was supposed to be THE TRUTH, the undeniable, uncompromising, unquestioning TRUTH. Yet I could no longer see this, as I began to question the unquestionable and deny the undeniable. I was beginning to see doctrinal compromise, I was began to see that there is a massive difference between a true story, and a story that was true.
Truth is not perceptional, nor is it translatable. Truth is not subject to change or interpretation. Truth IS, and always will be. I began to question everything in relation to what I had believed and what I now thought I believed. The only thing that I could clearly see, was that I was clearly confused as to how this could be happening. Where are you? What are you? Who are you? Are you?
I remember standing and addressing a large congregation whilst on a 5 week mission (crusade) and thinking to myself, I really can’t believe what I am saying any longer. I felt no assistance from any power above, nothing, all I felt was un-belief and total bewilderment.
I can home to my wife (now divorced) and said: “I’ve had it, I’m out” Shortly after, everything went to shit. Of course, everyone said, “I was deceived by the devil, or it was because I did not believe what they believed”
(It this point, I could still only see things from a subjective view, it was many years later before I began see things from an objective point of view)
How did this happen?
How could this happen?
What is the truth? (Truth can not be discovered if we are only willing to look at an argument from one side, do we must look at ALL the available evidence if we truly wish to make an unbiased conclusion)
As my mind went in overdrive, I realized that this was the beginning of the end. I can't tell you what happened next, because it all just becomes a blur, and it may not have happened exactly as I remember it.
THE AFTERMATH:
There was nothing, not a word, no deliverance, no help from anyone, not the church, not God, Nothing!
This I can remember.
THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL BEGAN:
I may not have the order of events correct but this is as close to what I can remember of the journey. Shock, thoughts of "what the f....?" then just numbness. A deep-seated pain, followed by feelings of anger and frustration. The cycle began; disillusionment, denial and self deception, a lack of care, motivation and ambition, laziness, low self-esteem and a short attention span, head aches, self abuse, erratic sleeping pattens, confusion, taking chances and feelings of abandonment.
It was an uncontrollable roller coaster of emotion. Irresponsible, reclusive behavior, a string of excuses, procrastination, secrecy, hiding, anxiety attacks and living in an illusion. There were thoughts of giving up, the fear of getting close to anyone, especially women, yet strangely empathetic toward other peoples pain. Commitment issues, misunderstood by others, a lack of discipline, the inability to talk to anyone about what had happened. Rebellion to authority, irregular thought patterns, interpreting things incorrectly through an emotional fog. Reaching breaking point, no hope, a search for meaning, then fears of never being normal and becoming an eccentric.
You may identify or recognize some of these traits if you have ever been through a separation, a divorce or the death of a loved one. These are pretty well normal symptoms of rejection, abandonment or betrayal.
WHAT A FOOL I'D BEEN:
How could I have been such a fool, how could I have been so wrong, how could I have been deceived. I was totally embarrassed by the fact that I was an Ordained Minister.
I didn't tell anyone about my involvement in religious matters, some of my current friends still don't know. I was ashamed of my connection with religion, I even denied my involvement. (Didn't hear any cocks crow) The subject repulsed me.
All I had were feelings of anger, frustration and no answers.
Who am I? - What am I?
What am I going to do?
The need for stimulants.
How was I to lift this deep feeling of abandonment, loss and anxiety? I had no direction and no mission, I was lost and empty. I desperately needed help, but who was I to go to, who would understand where I was coming from? I knew of no ex-ministers or organizations that could deal with this. (Hence the primary reason I wrote “Illusions of Faith” – as a therapeutic for myself and as a message of hope and understanding for those that have or may find themselves going to go though this maze of confusion)
Next stop, was crash and burn. I now know that I was suffering from a massive identity crisis. Who I was and all that I had accomplished was gone. Everything that I had believed, was a lie. What now? I was a nobody!
It felt like I was going insane, my mind was in hyper-drive. I desperately needed energizing . To cut this story short, as a student of philosophy I needed stimulation, my mind was suffering from boredom, so I began a search for "mind food." This became an all consuming craving and took priority over everything, my family, my work, anything that bought me back into the real world of loss and depression. When your descending deeper and deeper into that black nothingness, you'll grab a hold of whatever's available to prevent the inevitable thud at the bottom.
Because I was already associated with the biker scene, it was easy to just remain therein. I was familiar with it and it with me. I had established friendships, contacts and felt comfortable within this world. Remembering my frame of mind, this seemed to be a natural alternative. With the endless supply of drugs, alcohol and women, my depression seemingly disappeared, buried, none existent, well so I thought.
It wasn't long before I was nominated to be a member of a club and began working as a bodyguard for "business men", hookers, and strippers. I was making good money, which seemed to take to edge off the moral implication. You can justify anything when you want to, I found this out with church doctrine.
As a gospel singer, naturally I wanted to sing, So I moved into the Rock N' Blues scene. Probably the best gig I ever did, was at a Biker Club-house. Bikers of all colored denominations were there, drugs, women and Blues music, the place was pumpin', it could be heard 1/2 a kilometer away. It was one mind-blowing experience to say the least. But I was still living in an illusion.
Before I became a Christian, I was a student of several Martial Arts. At my exit, I returned to this and becoming an Instructor. I then moved into the world of bouncing, a world where the men are separated from the boys. It was a great place to test my defensive techniques. Some worked and some didn't, so I trained to improve. I had found my place.
The next step up the ranks was to become a Body Guard and Armed Escort. This was cool. I mainly worked for businesses men, bank managers, lawyers and an occasional Musician or Actor (no one of any consequence - It's nothing like the movies.) It wasn't long before I was employed to train bouncers and body guards. What a trip. I was mixing with world class fighters. I needed things that made me feel good about myself. Anything that would lift my self worth.
It wasn't until I started to teach my kids the art, that I unknowingly stumbled upon a principle that would change my life and lead me toward the answer to "My quest."
Because I was riding high, I didn't know I was suffering from depression. I was so focused on more stimuli. I now had three passions, singing, drugs and training. I hated work so I sort out jobs that would energize me. Singing in pub's - the thrill of an audience. Bouncing in Pub's - feelings of power and control. A bodyguard - a real ego-trip. A fight trainer. I was in tune, focused, fast and professional. I felt strong and in control again.
THE MINISTRY OF EGO:
As a minister, I did not or could not see how much ego was actually involved.
Of course this is true of all ministers, but they too are so blinded by what they believe, they can not see beyond their own delusion. They are all suffering from delusions of grander, the "I Am" complex. But once you lose the "illusions of faith" it all becomes abundantly clear.
FACING THE DEMON - HEAD ON:
I found it a real struggle to survive emotionally. It was a roller coaster of impulsive thought patterns and behavior, resulting in a string of failed relationships. Life was never going to be the same.
It wasn't until I turned to face what had been and where I had come from, that I could be free of the effects of this "Psychological mind game." I have however faced a large part of it, but there is still more to discover. I am finally feeling a clear and liberated mind. What did I believe, or not believe? A stable philosophy was essential.
THROWING DOWN THE GAUNTLET:
I remember going to tea with a girl friend and a number of her Christian friends. One of them was an Elder in a Pentecostal Church and a Lawyer with 35 years experience on the bench. He asked me in front of everyone: "So tell us, why don't you believe in God?"
My immediate responded without even thinking, was: "Why do you believe in God?"
He said: "Because I want too"
I said: "I don't want too"
He did not know what to say, I'd caught him of guard. (clearing the guard is part of a fighters strategy) Until this, I had discussed religion with no-one, not even my girl friend. God was out of my life. I didn't even think about him.
What he (the lawyer) didn't realize, was that I too had fought in the arena of law. I had been a minister of religious law. Ministers like lawyers, deal with the interpretation of law. They both argue their position from a set precedent, found in doctrine, or the records of law. Remember historically, the ministry were the law, the ministry were both the prosecution and the defense counsel. (Remember the Inquisition)
I wanted to push his arrogant face in. How dare he try and embarrass me in front of these people. So I decided to embarrass him, before a jury of his peers. I thought:
“You want to fight mate? Well you’ve got one!”
I said: "I want to ask you a question.
He said: "OK."
I said: "Either there is a God, or there isn't - True or false?"
He thought, and said: "True!"
So I asked him another question: "Either God created man, or man created God
- True of false?"
He said: "True!"
THE SET UP: (The art to any engagement, is in the entry - Fight Psychology)
I said: "If God created man, then I'm wrong. But if man created God, then your wrong, and he is nothing more than a figment of your imagination - True or false?"
After he paused to think, he had to say: "True"
There can only be one answer to these questions, and that is "True!"
He said: "Can you prove there is no God?"
I said: "I don't have to, I'm not claiming the existence of anything supernatural, you are. The onus is on you to prove your case"
Being a lawyer, he knew I was right, as the burden of proof rests with the claimant.
I then asked him another question: “What is the opposite of God?”
He, like all Christians answered: “The Devil of course”
I said: “If that is true, then that would make the Devil equal in all respects to that of your God. All powerful, all knowing, and everywhere, wouldn’t it?”
He said: “No that can’t be true – the Devil is not equal with God”
I said: “Exactly, the only opposite to the existence of God, can be the non-existence of God, for the opposite to a force, is not another force, but the absence of force.”
He changed the subject.
REALIST/ATHEISM:
Atheism is not a belief, on the contrary, it is an unbelief, a non-belief. It does not require any faith to be an realist/atheist. As a matter of fact you don't have to believe in anything at all.
Faith is not a natural conclusion, it is taught and each religion teaches a different doctrinal truth. It's simple, God only exists within the minds of men, and each denomination has their own interpretation of him. The challenge of my life was to find out who I was, because that was who I had lost.
GETTING UP.
In September 1997, my children came to live with me. It wasn't until THAT DAY, that I discover my true identity. I was a father. I had been a father for 18 years and hadn't even noticed, because religion had clouded my mind to the truth. This is who I was, and that is who I am, and it is who I always will be.
I saw it in their eyes.
They bought life, purpose, love and a future. I had found my direction, my mission and all my hope had returned. They were my salvation. I now believe that the Salvation of mankind is found in the FAMILY and then the greater family. Life was not easy, as I had obtained some bad habits along the way. But we made it through. No thanks to God.
TRUE PURPOSE and ETERNAL HOPE:
If you can't see the purpose of our existence in the eyes of your children, you must be blind and no amount of faith or religion can substitute for the truth of it. Take a good look into the eyes of a new born child and see - if you can't - then look again.
"Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men-above all for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy" - “Only a life lived for others, is a life worth living.”
Albert Einstein.
HOPE:
Hope is hard to find after your eternal life insurance has been canceled.
At first, I didn't care, I only lived for the now. Then one of my kids asked me a question about God and Eternal life. I hadn't thought about, I was having such a good time being confused and disorientated.
It wasn’t until I started to formulate to answers, that I began to understand what had actually happened, well bits and pieces anyway. I became more confident within myself about what I didn't believe.
Are you saved?
This was a question put to me by a young Pentecostal Christian who tried to witness to me. All I had to do, was asked him a couple of selected questions that I knew he could not answer. Then he began asking me questions, which I could answer. He didn't want to talk about it any longer. Then a Christadelphian also tried, I had him back-tracking within minutes. I no longer do this, but it was fun. All they have, is the bible, it's their only source of information, without it they have NOTHING.
All religion has, is their faith in stories, stories found in a story book. (They ought to supply crayons with it) Friends began to ask me questions, as they saw I was now open to discuss these issues and I found myself answering their questions without hesitation or embarrassment. My intention has never been to convert others, but make them think beyond their belief in their "tree of life experience", and look toward "the tree of knowledge and rational."
"Reason is the Devils harlot, who can do naught but slander and harm what God says and does" Martin Luther, founder of the Lutheran Church. How true a statement. Reason, is Gods greatest enemy, as it challenges his very existence.
ETERNAL LIFE AND THE REALIST/ATHEIST:
How we are remembered, is how we will remain (live) in the memories of those we call family and friends. I now believe this is the only logical judgment to the question of everlasting life. It's what we put into the lives of our children, our family and our friends, good or bad, that will remain in their minds?
Life goes on when we're gone, but what we leave behind in the memories of our loved ones, will live on. So be sure to leave a good account, because we only get one shot at it, as that is all there is that remains of us.
I wrote a tribute to my Grandfather long go, it may explain what I am trying to say. I remember reading his World War One Diary. (This diary, is now in the Canberra War Memorial, one that can be verified by thousands of other historic eyewitness accounts). He recorded his-story and his mates, a story of sacrifices made. These men fought and died for their country, their families. Jesus died however, believing in his own stories, he actually believed he was the savior of the world. These men died believing in the right to freedom for all men.
After all, what is so special about what Jesus did? He died? So, everyone dies!
You may say: But he rose! Who says so - You?
My Tribute was motivated by these stories. It reads:
"He still abides in the hearts and memories, of three living generations, and is still seen as a symbol of what is right and good"
Now I realize, that he was just a man, and that he may not have been perfect. My point is, that his example still lives in both my father, my sister, and I, and he still effects the lives of our children. I can only hope, that you too have a person like this who has been such an inspiration, a man or a woman that has encouraged you, one that has stirred you by their example to do what is right and good. You never know, this kind of thinking may become an epidemic. There is still hope for the future.
I have since written 2 books on the subject of Religion & Atheism.
I hope they are of use to anyone in need of clarification of thought.
Illusions of Faith http//:www.illusionsoffaith.webs.com
The God Question http//:www.thegodquestion.webs.com
ECHOES OF AN EGO.
From:
"Illusions of Faith"
by William Alexander.
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