An Intro: I might be deconverting
March 10, 2016 at 8:21 pm
(This post was last modified: March 10, 2016 at 8:58 pm by JayLugh.)
Hi folks. I know this is the convert forum but at the same time, this is also my intro. Potential deconversion here (although the more I look into atheism, the more I think I probably always believed this). My relationship with religion is complicated, because my father is a retired United Church of Canada minister, and I love him very much, but at the same time we have a complex relationship and don't speak about many things and I don't know where he would stand on topics such as atheism. I'm not really living my life for him though. At least I hope not.
I went to church as a kid because as the child of a minister, I felt like it was expected, but my dad was pretty good at not forcing us. There was no religion in the home. I always thought it was funny when family or guests expected my dad to say grace at dinner because we never did that. I appreciate his willingness to let his kids make up their own minds. I never really had strong feelings and stopped going to church in my teenage years. I've tried several times throughout my adult years to go back to church, but it's mostly to recapture the feeling of my dad.
He's still alive, but we hardly talk. 6 years ago, when I was 26, I came out as transgender, and our relationship changed a lot. I was his first "daughter" (he has two sons from a previous marriage) and was very sick when I was born, so my mom says he was pretty attached to "who I was" (who I pretended to be for the sake of everyone else). He says he doesn't have an issue with transgender people specifically, he just doesn't believe that I truly am one. I can't even begin to figure out what he means by that, and progress is very slow. It's been 6 years and he called me by my chosen name for the first time on Thanksgiving 2015.
Obviously, there are issues there, and I could go on for a while about them but I will get back to atheism. I was still looking for something, and thought religion would fill that gap if I just found the right one. For a while, I had planned a sort of tour of all of the different places of worship I was allowed to go to in my city, but never followed through with it, beyond a couple of branches of Christianity and a Pagan service.
I was recently watching the documentary "The Unbelievers" on Netflix, and it showed a clip of Adam Savage speaking at The Reason Rally. He said, "And finally, I have concluded through careful empirical analysis and much thought that somebody is looking out for me, keeping track of what I think about things, forgiving me when I do less than I ought, giving me strength to shoot for more than I think I am capable of. I believe they know everything that I do and think, and they still love me. And I’ve concluded, after careful consideration, that this person keeping score is me."
That was the moment where things just kind of went click for me. Years and years of therapy trying to teach me this, it took so long for it to hit home, but it just makes so much sense. I have spent so much time beating myself up for being ME. And the only one judging me is ME.
So that's why I've sought out this forum. Because I want to continue on this journey. I'm a noob. I know almost nothing about atheism, but I'm watching everything Canadian Netflix has to offer right now. I want to learn, I want to grow as a person. I'm in the middle of "Zeitgeist: The Movie" and I'm fascinated.
I'm also a theatre person. My degree is in theatre, I write and direct my own stuff. I've never shied away from tackling hard subjects there, in fact, I don't feel like I'm doing my job unless the audience walks out of the theatre asking questions. It's finally time for me to ask my own questions.
So... um, hello everyone?
I went to church as a kid because as the child of a minister, I felt like it was expected, but my dad was pretty good at not forcing us. There was no religion in the home. I always thought it was funny when family or guests expected my dad to say grace at dinner because we never did that. I appreciate his willingness to let his kids make up their own minds. I never really had strong feelings and stopped going to church in my teenage years. I've tried several times throughout my adult years to go back to church, but it's mostly to recapture the feeling of my dad.
He's still alive, but we hardly talk. 6 years ago, when I was 26, I came out as transgender, and our relationship changed a lot. I was his first "daughter" (he has two sons from a previous marriage) and was very sick when I was born, so my mom says he was pretty attached to "who I was" (who I pretended to be for the sake of everyone else). He says he doesn't have an issue with transgender people specifically, he just doesn't believe that I truly am one. I can't even begin to figure out what he means by that, and progress is very slow. It's been 6 years and he called me by my chosen name for the first time on Thanksgiving 2015.
Obviously, there are issues there, and I could go on for a while about them but I will get back to atheism. I was still looking for something, and thought religion would fill that gap if I just found the right one. For a while, I had planned a sort of tour of all of the different places of worship I was allowed to go to in my city, but never followed through with it, beyond a couple of branches of Christianity and a Pagan service.
I was recently watching the documentary "The Unbelievers" on Netflix, and it showed a clip of Adam Savage speaking at The Reason Rally. He said, "And finally, I have concluded through careful empirical analysis and much thought that somebody is looking out for me, keeping track of what I think about things, forgiving me when I do less than I ought, giving me strength to shoot for more than I think I am capable of. I believe they know everything that I do and think, and they still love me. And I’ve concluded, after careful consideration, that this person keeping score is me."
That was the moment where things just kind of went click for me. Years and years of therapy trying to teach me this, it took so long for it to hit home, but it just makes so much sense. I have spent so much time beating myself up for being ME. And the only one judging me is ME.
So that's why I've sought out this forum. Because I want to continue on this journey. I'm a noob. I know almost nothing about atheism, but I'm watching everything Canadian Netflix has to offer right now. I want to learn, I want to grow as a person. I'm in the middle of "Zeitgeist: The Movie" and I'm fascinated.
I'm also a theatre person. My degree is in theatre, I write and direct my own stuff. I've never shied away from tackling hard subjects there, in fact, I don't feel like I'm doing my job unless the audience walks out of the theatre asking questions. It's finally time for me to ask my own questions.
So... um, hello everyone?
, I like it.
