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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 4:17 pm
(September 25, 2017 at 4:10 pm)Cyberman Wrote: (September 25, 2017 at 3:54 pm)pocaracas Wrote: What do you mean?... Sam would be alive?
Ok. This is cutting very deep. Sam was experiencing dizzy spells due to the hormone injections she was taking for IVF. On two occasions this brought on her seizures, which we nursed through. We even agreed to see her doctor about it the next day. That last day - Sunday - she had another dizzy spell, which she remarked was a big one. She wanted to go to her mum's house that day, which I was very much against, due to her state of health. So she rang her mum to say she wasn't up to visiting that day. Then I saw the annoyance in her face that she wasn't up to seeing her mum. So I relented and let her go, with my dad driving her there rather than risking public transport. And I never saw her alive again.
I know that if she hadn't gone that day, she would never have been alone when 'it' happened to her. My dad's a trained first aider for fuck's sake. And we could have got the ambulance to her in seconds, if it was to happen at all.
No, I'm the murdering bastard in this scenario. And I have no live with that.
Man, I don't see any reason to think of you as responsible for anything, in that matter.
You did only what you thought was best.
:bro-hug:
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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 4:49 pm
Yet I killed Sam. I allowed her to die. I am a murderer.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 4:51 pm
(September 25, 2017 at 4:49 pm)Cyberman Wrote: Yet I killed Sam. I allowed her to die. I am a murderer.
And yet, you are not in prison. Go figure.
"Never trust a fox. Looks like a dog, behaves like a cat."
~ Erin Hunter
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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 4:53 pm
I am in hell, though. It's what I deserve.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 4:55 pm
(September 25, 2017 at 4:53 pm)Cyberman Wrote: I am in hell, though. It's what I deserve.
So long as you continue along that line of thought, of course it's what you are going to believe over reality.
"Never trust a fox. Looks like a dog, behaves like a cat."
~ Erin Hunter
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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 5:00 pm
(This post was last modified: September 25, 2017 at 5:04 pm by The Valkyrie.)
(September 25, 2017 at 4:49 pm)Cyberman Wrote: Yet I killed Sam. I allowed her to die. I am a murderer.
No, you're not.
You let another person's need, a loved one, over-ride your better judgement, something any one of us would have done. It's hard but you did it because you loved her.
And you still do.
Keep her in your heart but don't blame yourself for something you have no control over.
When I saw the statement that Poca also asked about (and I'm not positing any blame, Poca, so please don't read it that way), I was concerned talking about it would exacerbate your feelings on the matter. And I see they have.
Talking to relative strangers over the internet is not necessarily the best format.
But, if you want to talk, feel free to PM me.
On another note, I just discovered I've been spelling "exacerbate" incorrectly all these years.
Dying to live, living to die.
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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 5:03 pm
The reality is she would likely be alive if I hadn't changed my mind about her going to her mum's. She would have got over her annoyance and we could have got things sorted out. Dizziness, it turns out, is a side effect of the hormones she was injecting. Regardless, she would not have been on her own the way she was. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most, like I promised I would be. I swore I would never leave her side. And now we can never be together again. So yeah, I'm having a rare old time. I've never been happier.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 5:06 pm
(This post was last modified: September 25, 2017 at 5:07 pm by Foxaèr.)
(September 25, 2017 at 5:03 pm)Cyberman Wrote: The reality is she would likely be alive if I hadn't changed my mind about her going to her mum's. She would have got over her annoyance and we could have got things sorted out. Dizziness, it turns out, is a side effect of the hormones she was injecting. Regardless, she would not have been on her own the way she was. I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most, like I promised I would be. I swore I would never leave her side. And now we can never be together again. So yeah, I'm having a rare old time. I've never been happier.
You can make yourself insane going over in your mind different choices you could have made in the past.
The reality is that what happened did happen as it did for a reason, no matter how much you want to dwell on the past in detriment to your own mental health.
What I can't stand about psychologists and psychiatrists is that they won't tell you what's on their minds. I don't have that qualm.
You need to get over what happened; it really is that simple. You need to move on, leave the past behind, because I guarantee that Sam would not be happy with how you are wallowing in despair.
"Never trust a fox. Looks like a dog, behaves like a cat."
~ Erin Hunter
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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 5:11 pm
If there's one thing guaranteed to piss me off royally, it's saying that things happen for a reason. I get that you probably didn't mean it like that, but there's no reason behind what happened that day. Other than I fucked up bigger than is humanly possible.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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RE: Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...
September 25, 2017 at 5:13 pm
Plus, I am trying to move on. That's what all this is about. It's like I carry the stench of death with me, or whatever. People seem to sense it, even when I'm really going all balls out.
At the age of five, Skagra decided emphatically that God did not exist. This revelation tends to make most people in the universe who have it react in one of two ways - with relief or with despair. Only Skagra responded to it by thinking, 'Wait a second. That means there's a situation vacant.'
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