Problems Just Keep Coming

[Jade-Green Stone]

Right now, life sucks for me.

I'm struggling with work, my grandfathers death, my sister thinking of suicide, and also college life. I can't wrap my head around business like stuff to get my degree, but I need to make good grades to keep my finical aid, and everything else feels like weights. I guess you could call all this a minor stage of depression for me, nothing very big, but hits once and while due to everything just hitting me and not being able to keep up or balance the two extremes, being work and school.

Fact is, my mom seems to think work isn't the problem with it all, keep in mind she is a Conservative who votes mainly Republican. But, from my, I never had a problem with school, even in math where I got a C or Biology where I was struggling, than I have now trying to balance both work and school and both wanting 100% from me.

It feels like my grandfather's death just dove the wedge further, and I still haven'trecovered from him dying in august, it was just too sudden for me to even feel a thing. I tried to see a counselor, but couldn't keep going due to transportation means. My step dad had decided to start working at a haunted house and always had doctor appointments that went over top of me going for an hour to just talk to someone. When I started to see her, I wasn't in such a state I am now. Where suddenly I have so much work to do that I unknowingly put off, end of the semester coming up in just a few weeks, and my grades just at rock bottom almost. To top it all off, my sister is having slight suicidal thoughts. 

I entered work that day, last Monday, at a near breaking point but forced myself to push them all to the back of my mind and get through the day as I couldn't miss another day without getting fired. I just lost my grandfather, I can't lose my little sister too! I can't keep up with the work load college is wanting with Walmart also demanding more form me coming the holiday season! A subtle threat was they'd move me to the front end, where I EXPLICITLY  said I don't want to be, Cashier, if I didn't work more days. 
So I was forced into a corner and gave up my Sundays so I didn't have to be a cashier, I hate working that close to people and I dislike people yelling at me for no reason and not being able to stop it.

I am at the point now where I feel if I don't just quit either the second degree I am pursuing or quiet my job I'll go insane from all the stress. But the thing is I can't afford to quiet work with the finical state my family is in right now and depending on me and my income to help pay bills, and if I quiet the second degree I want then I'll suffer later in life because not many will hire someone without some form of business background. 
My mom's advice is utterly useless as she's so damn conservative she'll tell me that my job is more important than my degree! She'll always back up my company over me, even when it's clear they are very shady in their tactics!

I don't know if I can even finish all the work looming over me, not without giving up my social life to appease both. I'm so stressed, so tired, and just done with it all. I'm at a snapping point where I'm baring my teeth and someone is going to get bit. And I don't know what to do, I want to lash out at something, but afraid if I do then I'll have a bigger problem on my hands. 
I'm forcing myself to smile and go through the day with no one to help me or turn to, I can't afford my own car, nor could I afford to go into debt to get one. I can't afford to move out, and I feel like a coward if I don't help out them as they need me now!
I wasn't ready for my grandfather to die, I'm not sure how to approach my sister, and I'm not ready for the end of the semester! Everyone is telling me so much advice, but nothing seems to be helping. And I'm very angry at my grandmother/mom as she can't see the forest for the trees due to her ultra conservative mindset.
My stepdad is sometimes so lazy, I get he's trying, has back pain, and a life also, but I never ask for much and always offer him gas to compensate for driving me around or small gifts to show I do care for what he does. But, he often does things without asking me how it'll affect my schedule , and expects me to bend to his more than anything, even though he does these things my choice and my work scheduled and school schedule isn't as flexible as his. So I guess not really lazy, but more so demanding. I tell people lazy as it's hard to explain what he really is.

I sometimes feel like I'm shouting into the void, no one can help me, and I'm slowly drowning in the weight of it all. But I can't cry because when i need to, I'm often in a setting where I need to work. 
I just can't take it anymore, no I'm not thinking of suicide either, too much of a coward for that, but these odds are so overwhelming I don't now what to do but I know I'm forced to keep moving forward to the outcome while having a full on panic attack in my mind as I'm walking to it. I can't find time to cry, I can't even find myself crying over my grandfathers death, even though I feel the need to I just can't. 

I'm I really at fault here, is this all my fault? I don't know really. 
Am I just a cry baby, not getting my way? I don't thin so.
Should I just suck it up and deal with it, many others have had it worse than me, why can't I do it too? I don't know.
My mom/grandmother and stepdad and real mom says so many others have had to do college and work, so why can't you? 

BECAUSE I JUST CAN'T, ISN'T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU GUYS!?
 I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, I CAN'T MULTI TASK AT THE SNAP OF YOUR FINGER! I CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO JUST BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT! I'M AT THE FUCKING BREAKING POINT, AND YOU STILL KEEP TELLING ME THAT OTHERS HAVE DONE IT, SO I SHOULD TOO! I'M NOT LIKE OTHERS, I JUST CAN'T!!!! 

I.... I...
I just don't know what to do anymore.

[purplepurpose]

You must have a long night sleep to restore metal stamina and additionally do sport.

And first time in my life in intense study I got the taste of insanity when my own mind just explodes with depressive thoughts that don't let me work.

There is no point in pushing myself for grand goals and risk of going insane. I'm better of working my way up gradually. NOT ALL people have mental health to work at HIGH level.

[Jade-Green Stone]

You must have a long night sleep to restore metal stamina and additionally do sport.

Maybe, often my 'sport', if you can call it that, is Yoga. It's often times like this when I have reflections, I may feel better in the morning, but slowly I remember it all. Kind of like drips of water in the sink, you feel great one moment then the next 'Shit I forget I have to do all this... but how?'
Then again, that's life I guess. *Shrugs*

[Brian37]

Don't know how much comfort I can be, but as far as having bad days, weeks, years, I certainly have had them. Lost my mother last year, that really tore me up, but the depression was already there with her health problems and hospital visits over the years. Many times I thought about calling it quits in my life. Not advocating it though. I do know that my late mother would be very pissed at me if I did that. She'd be upset after spending a lifetime of saving for me just for me to give up.

No it isn't easy moving on. But as far as college is concerned, just because you are not good at one thing doesn't mean you cant shift your major to something you might enjoy. Don't simply get a degree because others think that is what you should do, ultimately you need to do it for yourself. And never look at failure as a bad thing, look at it as a learning experience.

There are lots of demands on youth and far to much marketing of "if you don't move up you are a looser." I am not saying don't try to educate yourself. I am saying not everyone will be the next Bill Gates, or the next Jerry Sienfield, or the next Tom Brady, most wont. I have a journalism degree, only spent 3 years in radio, pay was crappy, ended up having to go back to food service. I still do not regret getting the degree, and because of it, I actually ended up learning more on line on my own, after college. I still would not trade it for the world.


Look at it this way.

1. Mental illness does not make you evil, it just means you have a normal problem humans have.
2. Losing someone close to you is an unfortunate part of life. Nobody can tell you how to deal with it, other than to say don't blame yourself.
3. If you cant do something, try something else. Keep doing that maybe you can find something  you like. 
4. Don't expect to get rich and famous, most people do not. 
5. If you cannot find something you like to do, you can always find a job with people you like working with, even if the job itself is not your ideal job.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY talk to someone, not just here, when you feel down. 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

1-800-273-8255

[CarveTheFive]

My answer is predictable but I’ll say it anyway

1) eat right
2) exercise
3) get enough sleep
4) prioritize
5) focus on what you’re doing when you’re doing it
6) make time for yourself

Side advice: Don’t let Walmart stress you out. If you don’t want to cashier just stand your ground. They got all sorts of shit that needs doing. Saying no gets easier with practice.

With school just attend class and plug away at the assignments. Focus and enjoy it. Learning should be enjoyable.

Your sister is the most serious issue. Make time for her and make sure she knows you love her. An Internet forum probably can’t help that much with how to deal with that unfortunately. We’ll never know the nuances of what’s going on there but your relationship is obviously a top priority.

About your grandmother, it takes time and energy to grieve. You sound like you’re on short supply of both but it’s your life and you steer the ship. You can do it.

[Brian37]

My answer is predictable but I’ll say it anyway

1) eat right
2) exercise
3) get enough sleep
4) prioritize
5) focus on what you’re doing when you’re doing it
6) make time for yourself

Side advice: Don’t let Walmart stress you out. If you don’t want to cashier just stand your ground. They got all sorts of shit that needs doing. Saying no gets easier with practice.

With school just attend class and plug away at the assignments. Focus and enjoy it. Learning should be enjoyable.

Your sister is the most serious issue. Make time for her and make sure she knows you love her. An Internet forum probably can’t help that much with how to deal with that unfortunately. We’ll never know the nuances of what’s going on there but your relationship is obviously a top priority.

About your grandmother, it takes time and energy to grieve. You sound like you’re on short supply of both but it’s your life and you steer the ship. You can do it.

Don't oversimplify how individuals learn. Everyone is different. Yes learning should be enjoyable, but not everyone is good at all things, even if they can try to find something they enjoy and are good at.

My X wife has a PHD in microbiology. I know I will never be able to get to that level in science. But when we met in college, when it came to English lit, she came to me for help being that English was not her first language, and those classes stressed her out.

It still remains people can be good at some things and not so good at others. It is always possible to sample things to see what one likes though. But it isn't always good to try to force something. It does not make one a failure to accept one thing might not be your thing. One can always try to find other things they might like and get into. 

I do agree with eating right, getting sleep and stetting priorities. I've never been a fan of over stressing society out. The ability to de stress and have downtime helps you deal better with stress. 

The most important thing I found for myself, with dealing with my depression, and even with getting through school, is once you stop blaming yourself for not being perfect, and learn to learn from your mistakes, you deal with both your failures and successes far better. But no matter where one ends up in life, an honest job is an honest job. So like I said in my prior post, if you cant get your idea job, and again, not saying don't try, but if you cant, one can always get a job with people they enjoy working with, even if the job itself isn't perfect.

[CarveTheFive]

Good point about school. Thanks.

[DodosAreDead]

Watch an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Brian37]

Good point about school. Thanks.

That applies to jobs as well.

I worked at a pancake joint for almost 7 years. The original owners at first tried to get me to do multiple things, many things I sucked at. But once they realized that if they simply left me at dishwashing, which I was damned good at, and let me make my own decisions, it gave me the opportunity to do all the other shit the other employees didn't like doing.  

But, when the place got sold to the new owner, that  new asshole tried to get me to move to cook, which I suck at, and always have. It wasn't enough for the new owner to accept what the old owners did, that I could get more done if he had left me alone. It really amounted to the new owner being a greedy fuck wanting to save money on labor by trying to get me to multi task.

My point to the OP is that their mental illness is normal, but it is better to cope with it by not beating yourself up over things others think you should do or be doing. And bad happens to everyone to some degree. How you cope with it helps. 

I think far too many humans spend to much time chasing utopias and doing that causes too many to blame themselves for not being perfect. 

The most important thing to cope to me, is accepting yourself first, then seeking what you want and having a back up if that does not work out.

I wasn't happy as a diswhasher because it was glamorous. I was happy because I was able to feel like I was accomplishing something and I got to work with people I enjoyed, up until the new owner bought the place.

[DodosAreDead]

On a simpler note, give yourself over to Allah. He shall save ye.