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I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
#1
I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
When I tell my dad I thought I failed a certain exam, he exploded. He told me that I'm not serious, I don't try enough. He told me that he and my mom make efforts so I can study. He had a long speech.
Why doesn't he realize he makes things worse? The time I use to listen to his speech is time I could use for learning. Not to mention it also takes time for me to calm down after said speech. 
Why does he tell me I don't try enough? I really try my best, I really do. There is a lot of work and I'm struggling to keep up with it. I also do have some emotional problems, which I didn't tell him or mom, but still. I have a lot of mood swings and when I'm feeling down It's hard for me to concentrate while learning. I figured out it would be best to take some time to calm down and then continue learning, but even then I lose some time. What should I do if I get mood swings during an exam? It never happened before. I have a therapy appointment, but it's only after the end of the semester and I still have 4 exams to go.
He also told me that one day he might get really pissed and make me change universities. And that if I don't learn might as well get a job. I don't know if he really means it, or just trying to scare me.
If I try to talk to him he won't listen.
"By simple common sense I don't believe in God, in none"

Charlie Chaplin
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#2
RE: I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
I don’t want to say that you sound like fancy drinks girl in this post but....

But in seriousness you can’t expect your parents to be sensitive to your issues if you don’t tell them about it. I don’t know the situation well enough to say whether your dad overreacted. If your parents are paying for you to go to school of course they’re going to want you to work hard enough to make the grades.
(August 21, 2017 at 11:31 pm)KevinM1 Wrote: "I'm not a troll"
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#3
RE: I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
As wrong as your parents are on God's existence, I think your dad may be correct on this one.

Maybe he tells you that you don't try hard enough because he knows you can do better. Education is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. It not only can have a lasting impact on your entire life, it can greatly contribute to your growth as a person. You may want to ask yourself why you aren't as concerned as your father is.

I can empathize with you concerning crunch time and final exams, though. More than once in college, I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Try to strike a balance between relaxing and hard work. Resist the urges to party or procrastinate. Hang in there and do your best to make a final push. You can always collapse into a coma once finals are over. You can do it!
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#4
RE: I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
(January 13, 2019 at 3:10 pm)Losty Wrote: I don’t want to say that you sound like fancy drinks girl in this post but....

But in seriousness you can’t expect your parents to be sensitive to your issues if you don’t tell them about it. I don’t know the situation well enough to say whether your dad overreacted. If your parents are paying for you to go to school of course they’re going to want you to work hard enough to make the grades.

I understand that, but I do really try my best. And I am grateful for what they did. I am human, they will be times when I'll fail and make mistakes. I understand that they're expecting me to do good, but they shouldn't expect me to be perfect.
I also know that "I can’t expect my parents to be sensitive to my issues if I don’t tell them about it", the problem is I'm afraid of how they'll take it. Dad is overreacting about everything. If I told him about my mood swings he'll become desperate. He might not scold me for it, but still be very annoying. Besides that I don't trust neither of them to tell about my problems. They have good intentions, but I'm pretty sure my worst emotional problems stem from them.
I made this post mostly so that I can get advice on how to control my mood swings while learning.
Also, you are totally right about not making assumptions about my situation. On the internet everyone can right everything and there is no proof that what I wrote on this forum is true. I could insist that I do, but this isn't proof.

(January 13, 2019 at 3:15 pm)vulcanlogician Wrote: As wrong as your parents are on God's existence, I think your dad may be correct on this one.

Maybe he tells you that you don't try hard enough because he knows you can do better. Education is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. It not only can have a lasting impact on your entire life, it can greatly contribute to your growth as a person. You may want to ask yourself why you aren't as concerned as your father is.

I can empathize with you concerning crunch time and final exams, though. More than once in college, I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Try to strike a balance between relaxing and hard work. Resist the urges to party or procrastinate. Hang in there and do your best to make a final push. You can always collapse into a coma once finals are over. You can do it!

Thank you. The thing about my dad is I genuinely try my best to learn. Sure, you can always become better and sometimes the learning methods might not be suited for you, but I kind of found already the best learning methods for me. Maybe I can make progress my learning methods as well.
What pisses me off is that dad immediately uses threads to make me progress. I actually like to learn. Granted, at university there is a lot of work and it's a lot harder, I do get sometimes tired. 
I'm not that type of person who needs force in order to listen. If he simply told me calmly what I did wrong I would listen. I don't always agree with him, but screaming won't make me agree more.
He also told me "This is university, not preschool". If that isn't insulting, I don't know what is.
There is also the fact that perfectionism is one of my defects. I know there is no such thing as perfect, but I tend to get pissed if I do even the slightest mistake. I'm trying to control it, but I doubt I'll ever get rid of it completely, that's who I am.
It was worse when I was little. I remember when I was in 1st grade.I used to cry when making mistakes at my homework.
Doesn't dad remember any of it? Doesn't he try to understand if I'm interested in learning before scolding me? Sure, you can make mistakes, even when you try, but don't be too harsh on someone with good intentions.
"By simple common sense I don't believe in God, in none"

Charlie Chaplin
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#5
RE: I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
I have a son who has trouble in school and with tests. A lot of it comes from my nutty ex and his home school (lack of) education. He never really learned how to study, memorize or take tests. Der/die, you may be in this boat (maybe not, I could be wrong). If you find that the test/study stuff continues I'd suggest that you find a mentor/tutor (usually thru the school) and also a study group. 

Remember, once you enter the real world work force, most employers won't care about "mood swings". They'll care about performance. You should address this while still in school.

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#6
RE: I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
(January 13, 2019 at 2:49 pm)Der/die AtheistIn Wrote: When I tell my dad I thought I failed a certain exam, he exploded. He told me that I'm not serious, I don't try enough. He told me that he and my mom make efforts so I can study. He had a long speech.
Why doesn't he realize he makes things worse? The time I use to listen to his speech is time I could use for learning. Not to mention it also takes time for me to calm down after said speech. 
Why does he tell me I don't try enough? I really try my best, I really do. There is a lot of work and I'm struggling to keep up with it. I also do have some emotional problems, which I didn't tell him or mom, but still. I have a lot of mood swings and when I'm feeling down It's hard for me to concentrate while learning. I figured out it would be best to take some time to calm down and then continue learning, but even then I lose some time. What should I do if I get mood swings during an exam? It never happened before. I have a therapy appointment, but it's only after the end of the semester and I still have 4 exams to go.
He also told me that one day he might get really pissed and make me change universities. And that if I don't learn might as well get a job. I don't know if he really means it, or just trying to scare me.
If I try to talk to him he won't listen.

It is always possible that your dad is correct. For the sake of argument, let's assume he is not.

It may well be that you simply are not suited to whatever subject. As a parent, this would not cause me to "explode" in any way. Why? Because we are not all going to be Einstien or whoever. We are all our very own persons. Parents just have to suck it up and accept their children as people and not robots to do their bidding.

For example, my eldest aces in maths and physics. No interest in them, just is naturally good at them. And for a career? Linguistics. Why? Because that appeals more than the sciences. Fine by me. I am not about to break out the clubs and batter them into some career that they don't like, that would be stupid. Nevertheless, some parents consider it a solemn duty to do exactly that. They are wrong. Forcefully propelling one's children into a life purely on the basis of scores is never a good route.
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#7
RE: I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
A lot of times parents don't realize how hard they are being on their children. They don't listen because they usually know best. He could be right or wrong, but neither one matters. It matters that he can't deliver his expectations or advise properly. Speaking as a dad, I'd never want my daughter to shut me out the way you have from your posts. There is some obvious serious communication issues which I hope you can get help with. You can't help him be a better parent if he's oblivious that how he talks to you hurts you, just like your shitting him out doesn't make you a better child. obviously there's a lot of things to unpack in your life, immediately find some friends and people your age to talk to about it. Talking about things does help, and if you can't talk to the people that are part of the problem, talk to some people who will at least listen.
"There ought to be a term that would designate those who actually follow the teachings of Jesus, since the word 'Christian' has been largely divorced from those teachings, and so polluted by fundamentalists that it has come to connote their polar opposite: intolerance, vindictive hatred, and bigotry." -- Philip Stater, Huffington Post

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#8
RE: I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
DA, from what you said I feel there is a bit of a communication gap between you and your parents, you seem to keep wondering why your parents don't seem to understand that you are trying your best, well from what you said, it is because you are not telling them that. Parents are not psychics and won't know your thoughts or problems if you keep hiding them! Yes they might, or rather let's say they will overreact, and you might get a few more very long speeches, but it's better to hear those from your own parents, rather than outsiders! Moreover, once you do let your parents know, they will do their best to get you the help you need, and the earlier you get help the better off you'll be in your life. So you must gather the courage to let your parents know and if you are really afraid to do so alone, get help from a sibling/cousin/friend, or even a letter might work, but you've got to let your parents know!
Quote:To know yet to think that one does not know is best; Not to know yet to think that one knows will lead to difficulty.
- Lau Tzu

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#9
RE: I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
(January 13, 2019 at 2:49 pm)Der/die AtheistIn Wrote: When I tell my dad I thought I failed a certain exam, he exploded. He told me that I'm not serious, I don't try enough. He told me that he and my mom make efforts so I can study. He had a long speech.
Why doesn't he realize he makes things worse? The time I use to listen to his speech is time I could use for learning. Not to mention it also takes time for me to calm down after said speech. 
Why does he tell me I don't try enough? I really try my best, I really do. There is a lot of work and I'm struggling to keep up with it. I also do have some emotional problems, which I didn't tell him or mom, but still. I have a lot of mood swings and when I'm feeling down It's hard for me to concentrate while learning. I figured out it would be best to take some time to calm down and then continue learning, but even then I lose some time. What should I do if I get mood swings during an exam? It never happened before. I have a therapy appointment, but it's only after the end of the semester and I still have 4 exams to go.
He also told me that one day he might get really pissed and make me change universities. And that if I don't learn might as well get a job. I don't know if he really means it, or just trying to scare me.
If I try to talk to him he won't listen.

My problem growing up wasn't so much my mom, but the teachers I had. Some of them I did well under because they didn't have a authoritarian view, others did. It can be hard on a kid when you really are trying but suffer from performance anxiety. The truth is every kid learns differently, and some kids pick some things up quicker than others. 

Even in college, I had a hard time with math and science, and even a foreign language, but literature was far easier for me. And to be honest, I didn't graduate with all A's and Bs. 

Lighten your schedule may help, talking to advisers and having study groups with friends can help. And it doesn't hurt to realize that something you thought you liked wasn't what you thought it would be. 

But regardless of what your dad says, you have to be mentally healthy regardless, you have to be happy with  yourself. An education is important, even if you never use it after you graduate. I only spent about 4 years in radio after I graduated, pay sucked. But even given that, I am still far more aware of the world and wouldn't trade it for anything.

Most parents simply want their kid to do well and not have to struggle, but like most parents, and society in general, many do not understand that kids are not clones of their parents, and kids are individuals and learn things differently and adapt to different things and don't adapt to the same things.

It is one of those things again, that no matter what, you have to still accept yourself and be yourself. I am not telling you to drop out by any means. I am saying if you need help, try to find help from the staff at school, and certainly find some therapy on campus to discuss ways to reduce your stress.
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#10
RE: I hate how my dad "encourages" me to learn
(January 13, 2019 at 2:49 pm)Der/die AtheistIn Wrote: When I tell my dad I thought I failed a certain exam, he exploded. He told me that I'm not serious, I don't try enough. He told me that he and my mom make efforts so I can study. He had a long speech.
Why doesn't he realize he makes things worse? The time I use to listen to his speech is time I could use for learning. Not to mention it also takes time for me to calm down after said speech. 
Why does he tell me I don't try enough? I really try my best, I really do. There is a lot of work and I'm struggling to keep up with it. I also do have some emotional problems, which I didn't tell him or mom, but still. I have a lot of mood swings and when I'm feeling down It's hard for me to concentrate while learning. I figured out it would be best to take some time to calm down and then continue learning, but even then I lose some time. What should I do if I get mood swings during an exam? It never happened before. I have a therapy appointment, but it's only after the end of the semester and I still have 4 exams to go.
He also told me that one day he might get really pissed and make me change universities. And that if I don't learn might as well get a job. I don't know if he really means it, or just trying to scare me.
If I try to talk to him he won't listen.

I'm assuming your parents are paying for your school? If so it not hard to see why they're so invested in how you do, because nobody wants to pay for you to retake a course, etc.. Trying to find a balance between sympathy and frustration here for them is likely difficult.

I would suggest finding ways to make it more your financial burden than theirs, applying for student and private loans, grantsand scholarship, work study, etc..

That way the cost of your failures are carried more so by yourself than them.
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