[Serious] Atheist married to Pentecostal. Anyone else in this situation?

[The Architect Of Fate]

New member here. Hello first of all. I am in a situation that I'm afraid is quite delicate and was wondering if anyone else has ever found themselves in a similar situation. This post will be lengthy so bear with me. I found this site and registered to hopefully find someone who can give me some advice. I have been married for almost 12 years. I am an atheist and my wife is a Pentecostal Christian. We have 3 children. When we get together she we was a church goer but wasn't exactly a practicing Christian. Recently she was "born again". She is a part of the Pentecostal church, speaking in tongues, shouting, the whole ball of wax. I grew up in the church as well. I came out as as an atheist in my teen years and distanced myself from the faith as much as I could. But I feel in love with her and have tried to put up with her faith as best I could. We have had some very heated arguments over the years over religion unfortunately. I'm to blame for most of it. Since she was "saved" though, I find myself just wanting to distance myself from her. I grew up watching these ppl practice their religion and I just cannot stomach the fact that she behaves that way in church. I have not seen myself but have heard that she goes all out in church. I have always thought of myself as an ANTI-theist. If you're reading this then you're probably wondering why I married a Christian. Best answer I can give is it just worked out that way. I do love her very much. Recently though I have been thinking very heavily of divorce. Very serious doubts and problems have arisen within myself with my marriage. I'm wondering if we'd both be better off if we just separated. I'm so confused and don't really know how to move forward with my problem. I can't ask her to change because for one she won't, and for another it's not fair to ask to start with. Has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like mine? Civil responses plz, I'm well aware of the severity of my situation so I don't need it pointed out in a cruel manner. Thank you for your time.

One of my girlfriends is a Roman Catholic were seem to make it work

[Ranjr]

Umm. In my case all was well until the 2008 crash. Then it became quite apparent that the money was the thing. I owned four companies at that time and all of them were wiped off the map. 

Once the money stopped, so did she.

In court, I got financially raped because she was the mother.

But where are we now?

Well, I own my own home outright and have no debt. My kids have keys and can come and go as they please. They will own that home outright because those are the terms of my will in the event of my death. My eldest will be appointed executor shortly. 

She has put herself in debt to the hilt, (she will die with a sack of debt), has a partner that pays none of the bills (literally none) and her own kids consider her of...challenged intellect.  It is so bad that I find myself defending the bitch.

That's quite the turnaround.  Getting free of a drag lets us excel in ways we'd forgotten.  For me, that kick in the balls, after a time of being doubled over, was an added boost.  I loved being single and just taking care of myself and the kids.

It's sad for your kids that their mom regressed.  I've heard similar stories and can't understand it.  As teens, my kids came to me at various times to complain about their mom either over-controlling them or yelling at them.  I was almost not ready to be mature about it because my initial reaction was "so glad I don't have to put up with that shit anymore."  But I didn't say that.  I listened, sympathized, and took them somewhere fun.  And I did still have to put up with that hateful bitch at times.

[Abaddon_ire]

That's quite the turnaround.  Getting free of a drag lets us excel in ways we'd forgotten.  For me, that kick in the balls, after a time of being doubled over, was an added boost.  I loved being single and just taking care of myself and the kids.

It's sad for your kids that their mom regressed.  I've heard similar stories and can't understand it.  As teens, my kids came to me at various times to complain about their mom either over-controlling them or yelling at them.  I was almost not ready to be mature about it because my initial reaction was "so glad I don't have to put up with that shit anymore."  But I didn't say that.  I listened, sympathized, and took them somewhere fun.  And I did still have to put up with that hateful bitch at times.

Hmmm. Interesting you use the word regressed. Not sure if it is the right word. Maybe she was always like that but concealed it well. I am sure she blames me for some things not of my doing. For example, the compulsory Sunday mass thing eventually caused the kids to stage a revolt and flat out refuse to go. I was astonished. I wish I had been there to see it. I certainly hadn't expected it, but equally certainly got blamed for it. What can she do to me. I am merely proud that they had the confidence and courage to step up and say out loud "We are not going because we don't believe in any of it".

She has on occasion threatened to render them homeless and toss them out on the street if they ever became pregnant for example. This actually worried them quite a bit. Well it would to a teenager. Until I reminded them that they had a bedroom in my place as well and they could not be rendered homeless at all. And while she might throw them out for getting pregnant, I would take them in for the very same reason. It was an empty threat. Long pause, and then they go "Oh, yeah". Amazingly, they responded back to her that they would simply move to my place in such an event. The threats stopped. Go figure.

The hammer blow came when my eldest came out as transgender. Oh boy. What did I do? Well we had long soul searching conversations about it, me and her/him. The upshot of it was that I became a volunteer on a transgender support line. The training was harrowing, the live calls are worse. It is so horrific there is a support team on speed dial for the VOLUNTEERS. And we need it. So far, I have held it together on any calls I have dealt with, but I freely admit I have openly wept after some of them. All of it is from religious sources. It is religion that makes people do these things to children, and adults for that matter.

I further became involved in research into a notorious case of RCC excess from the 1900s right through to the 1970s continuously. Some of that was shocking. And also now public. I did my bit. I was able to identify some of the bastards that made it happen.





And after all that, what did my ex-wife do? She stopped going to mass every week, just some weeks was sufficient.


And we end with this "so glad I don't have to put up with that shit anymore."
Yep. I am. I actually had to go for therapy after the breakup. I am extremely cynical about therapy as a rule and upon our first meeting, I told the therapist that I really thought therapy was a load of crap and I was only there because my good colleagues had persuaded me to go.

And his answer? A droll "Hollywood has a lot to answer for".

Now, I was in it for a while, but not anymore. It ended the day he said to me "You don't need me anymore". That was the day I started to rebuild my life.

However, he made me understand certain things. very gently. Once he got a handle on the case history, he said I was depressed. Why did he say that? Well, over years, I had ceded control over my own life, slowly but surely, until I had reached a position where I had to ask permission to even fart. He was really clever. He lasered in on stupid incidents that alone were trivial, one might think, but accumulated over time until I became an automaton just obeying instructions. Path of least resistance.

I shall give you one incidence just to crystalise that. There was one day where she dropped off the kids to me. We were supposed to go for a picnic. Within minutes, there was a paniced call. She had a puncture. Okay. So I loaded up the kids. Off we go. It was close by so we arrived in minutes. Comprehensively shredded front tyre.

Right, How the fudge did that happen? She mounted the curb because reasons. We are talking a 6 inch rip in the tyre.

OK then. Lets get out the wheel brace and the jack and all that, right? Nope. Not there. She then insists that her BIL that sold her the car would not have left out such essential equipment. Really? then where the hell is it? And the ones in mine didn't fit.

Right sez I, take the kids to yonder playground and amuse them and I will go get the requisite tools. Play with them for fifteen minutes and we will be all done when you come back.

So I did, torque wrench and all. Because I own those kind of tools. Turns out her spare is a lame "get me home" wheel, so sure enough 15 minutes later She returns with kids. I tell her that is a "get-me-home" wheel and she needs to make haste to the nearest tyre place of which I give her the two most proximate.

My reward? A sneer.

[TaraJo]

I've had this weird habit of dating lots of people from really religious backgrounds, going all the way back to when I was a teenager.  Most of them I turned around and got them to change their religious beliefs; not intentionally, but I think the beliefs they previously held simply didn't hold up to the kinds of questions I was asking. Haven't really been with someone who stayed with any especially fundamentalist religions, especially not over the last decade or so where my very existence pisses off fundies.

[Abaddon_ire]

I've had this weird habit of dating lots of people from really religious backgrounds, going all the way back to when I was a teenager.  Most of them I turned around and got them to change their religious beliefs; not intentionally, but I think the beliefs they previously held simply didn't hold up to the kinds of questions I was asking. Haven't really been with someone who stayed with any especially fundamentalist religions, especially not over the last decade or so where my very existence pisses off fundies.

It isn't a habit. It is a statistical likelyhood. Where ever you encounter a possible date, it is likely that they will be religious just by sheer weight of numbers. There are way more of them then there are of us. I will grant that the atheist/humanist/secular position is growing rather rapidly, but we are nowhere near the numbers the various religions can command. ("command" used intentionally)

[TaraJo]

I've had this weird habit of dating lots of people from really religious backgrounds, going all the way back to when I was a teenager.  Most of them I turned around and got them to change their religious beliefs; not intentionally, but I think the beliefs they previously held simply didn't hold up to the kinds of questions I was asking. Haven't really been with someone who stayed with any especially fundamentalist religions, especially not over the last decade or so where my very existence pisses off fundies.

It isn't a habit. It is a statistical likelyhood. Where ever you encounter a possible date, it is likely that they will be religious just by sheer weight of numbers. There are way more of them then there are of us. I will grant that the atheist/humanist/secular position is growing rather rapidly, but we are nowhere near the numbers the various religions can command. ("command" used intentionally)

Yeah, I've suspected that.  Especially since I live in Oklahoma.  Lots of churches around here.  Lived in Texas from 2009-2016 and it's not much better there.  Fortunately for me, I'm kinda forced to date pretty progressive minded guys and they're less likely to be especially religious or, at least, they're not dick-head fundamentalists about it.  Before 2008 or so, I was pretty much open to all walks of life but, surprisingly, I still wound up in a long term relationship with someone from a pretty fundy background that went from 2011 until just this last March.

[Abaddon_ire]

It isn't a habit. It is a statistical likelyhood. Where ever you encounter a possible date, it is likely that they will be religious just by sheer weight of numbers. There are way more of them then there are of us. I will grant that the atheist/humanist/secular position is growing rather rapidly, but we are nowhere near the numbers the various religions can command. ("command" used intentionally)

Yeah, I've suspected that.  Especially since I live in Oklahoma.  Lots of churches around here.  Lived in Texas from 2009-2016 and it's not much better there.  Fortunately for me, I'm kinda forced to date pretty progressive minded guys and they're less likely to be especially religious or, at least, they're not dick-head fundamentalists about it.  Before 2008 or so, I was pretty much open to all walks of life but, surprisingly, I still wound up in a long term relationship with someone from a pretty fundy background that went from 2011 until just this last March.

Last March? OK I am going to park that raw wound. Say as much or as little as you feel comfortable with sharing. No demands or expectations.

Better I freely share my own path.

My hex-wife was strict RCC and I was a godless heathen. This was not an issue until kids happened. Still not an issue. Then they grew enough to start asking questions. Mom, how come Dad doesn't come to mass? Then divorce happened. After that things rumbled along for a couple of years and then my two kids did something I never expected. They told her to foxtrot right oscar and refused to go to mass on the grounds that it was no different than Santa and at least one can observe Santa every christmas on NORAD.

This was none of my doing, of course, but I realised that blame would be laid upon me for their lack of faith. Because I am the godless heathen. 

Such are the slings and arrows. I freely admit astonishment that they worked up the wontons to do that.

[TaraJo]

Last March? OK I am going to park that raw wound. Say as much or as little as you feel comfortable with sharing. No demands or expectations.

Yeah, kinda a fresh wound still.  Although we had been kinda splitting up for the past year or so before and it had been a dead romance for quite a while, the way it ended really did hurt me.  

But our problems weren't about his religious upbringing.  If anything, he took that ultra religious, fundamentalist upbringing and went to the opposite, overly progressive extreme.  

He came from a Mormon background, though.  A lot of people would insist they're not "real" Christians and, yeah, they have some whacky beliefs (drinking coffee is a sin, Jews lived in the Americas when Jesus was alive, you have to wear temple garments and their leader is a profit who gets direction directly from god).  They're so nice and friendly on the surface, that it can be difficult to see some of their more toxic beliefs, but, for example, they still didn't accept black people into the priesthood until the late 70's.