The Ramble from my Intro

[Ranjr]

Griping at you for saying "ass" tells me she has personality issues regardless of religion.  For many, religion is a vessel for superiority and control.  I suggest you look at your marriage from a broader perspective than religion.  Does the relationship work?  Do you click as companions and spark romantically?  If you didn't have kids, would you be ready to get away from her?

[inferno_ink]

I am pasting this excerpt from my intro as it is the reason I’ve come to this forum.

While I am fully accepting in my atheism, I married my wife as a Christian 13 years ago. She is devout but does not know about the change I’ve undergone. So now, my days are full of anxiety as I prepare to tell her. And oddly, while I am fully prepared to lose her, I am not ready to lose my daughters who are 6 and 4. I am currently seeking therapy as I know this is not going to be pretty as nearly my entire family are devout practicing Christians. Having been in therapy previously, I know that part of it is having a support system in place. Obviously I need other like minded individuals in my support system. I found this forum during a late night web binge on being an atheist for the first time.

As you can see, it’s the definition of being between a rock and a hard place. Thanks for hearing me out.

Been there, done that. Years ago.

Now I am single and have two rabid atheists to deal with.

You will NOT lose your daughters unless there is some other undisclosed reason besides atheism. Hell, now I can't get rid of mine. Pesky kids. 

For a while, post separation/divorce, their mother was dragging them to Sunday mass every week. They finished that lark by bluntly refusing to go anymore. I was roaring with laughter when they told me that. I wish I had been there to see it. 

Bottom line? I know it looks bleak at the outset. Looking back, though, it really isn't. I have a great life, great kids, and none of us have to put up with the hypocritical religious BS anymore. However, your exact circumstances may differ, so I can only offer my experience. It may not match yours.

There are some hilarious upsides by the way.

My eldest became an adult last month. Thus my legal and financial obligations came to an end. Surprisingly, this month I received a demand for 1500 bucks from the ex to be deposited into her account directly. With no uncertain glee I replied thusly...

"Ronan is now an adult with all that entails. If Ronan needs some financial assistance, then Ronan can ask me directly and I will deposit funds in HIS account, not YOURS. Because I know you will simply spend it on yourself given half a chance. So GFYS."

Thanks. I needed a chuckle. I hope my wife wouldn’t be that vindictive, I don’t see her being that way. And I realize that most of this doom and gloom could be stemming from my feeling guilty about hiding my beliefs for several years.

[Mister Agenda]

It is possible to have a good relationship with a Christian woman, I have had one. My current SO is vaguely spiritual/ex Bhai who doesn't seem bothered at all by my atheism. But sometimes it's impossible. I had a friend who was married when they were both Christians, they were even missionaries together. When he stopped believing Christian claims, she couldn't adjust and they had to get divorced and split custody of their adopted child. He regretted the loss of his marriage, but he said he did not regret his decision to be truthful with her. I agree that easing her into the realization that you're no longer sharing that part of your lives is probably the best way to go about it.

I wonder if the Christians who advocate that a woman not divorce even if her husband is abusive sing the same tune if her husband becomes an atheist?

[no one]

There are no useless questions, only useless babbling orange turds.

[The Valkyrie]

There are no useless questions, only useless babbling orange turds.

"Why do you hate Trump"
- useless question.

[no one]

The internet isn't large enough to contain my explanation.

[Belacqua]

You're going through something really difficult. I hope it can work out with love in the long run, whatever the conclusion is.

I hope my wife wouldn’t be that vindictive, I don’t see her being that way. And I realize that most of this doom and gloom could be stemming from my feeling guilty about hiding my beliefs for several years.

This is a kind of unknown for us, which makes any advice we give you fairly random. We don't know how your wife might react. Obviously she must have many good qualities, or you wouldn't have married her in the first place. 

It's clear that you care for your kids very much. They are too young to understand religious differences, but old enough to be aware if mommy and daddy hate each other. I hope your wife can at least stay calm about things, in order to avoid upsetting them. 

You can't control what she does, but you can control your own actions. I would say that if you ever get to the point of telling your wife to go fuck herself, that's a sign you've failed. I would hate to ever be that bitter. 

Good luck to you.

[Sal]

If you re-read the OP, they married while he was still Christian, 13 years ago. Something changed during those 13 years, that made him an atheist. Surely you see this, Bel?

In any case, I think more personal experiences - in the kind written by Abbadon_ire and Mister_Agenda - might prove quite informative.

[Abaddon_ire]

You're going through something really difficult. I hope it can work out with love in the long run, whatever the conclusion is.

BS. Real people fall out of love just as easily as they fall into it. Why? Because people change. People learn new things.

I could tell you some tales about that. Oddly, none of them cite Acquinas, or Plato, or Aristotle, or any of those fossils. All of them cite real people alive right now with real problems. I help them. For free. Because I am just that nice.

You would prefer to fill yourself on musty old fossils of philo-baloney. Good luck with that. For me, I am content to help family, friends and even total strangers as best I can. It seems to me that this is uninteresting to you.

I hope my wife wouldn’t be that vindictive, I don’t see her being that way. And I realize that most of this doom and gloom could be stemming from my feeling guilty about hiding my beliefs for several years.

This is a kind of unknown for us, which makes any advice we give you fairly random. We don't know how your wife might react. Obviously she must have many good qualities, or you wouldn't have married her in the first place. 

I do. In divorce situations it is common for the nasty to start on both sides. It gets really stupid, really fast. This occurs in the majority of cases. In my case, I got financially raped. I thought it was just me. Afterward, I found out it wasn't just me and that there are support groups for such. My ex took everything and left me homeless. For two fucking years. Thanks, bitch.

It's clear that you care for your kids very much.

I love my kids very much. My eldest is now an adult legally. I have no further obligation. I will still support the little shit any way I can, but I will no longer have to chuck buckets of cash at her. I will from now on hurl it at him.

They are too young to understand religious differences, but old enough to be aware if mommy and daddy hate each other.

BS. Mine have been discussing religious baloney for at least 10 years. We actually have bible readings. I read and ask their opinions. Without fail, they say "that's nuts" without prompting. I do it intentionally because I know what BS the magic book is and I wanted them to know it too. By reading what it actually says.

I hope your wife can at least stay calm about things, in order to avoid upsetting them. 

Not gonna happen.

You can't control what she does, but you can control your own actions.

So OP should be a slave? Do you even hear yourself?

I would say that if you ever get to the point of telling your wife to go fuck herself, that's a sign you've failed. I would hate to ever be that bitter. 

And you would be wrong. It was the most liberating experience I have ever had. Suddenly the shackles were released and I had the freedom to be myself. Suddenly I learned that I could be the nice helpful guy without being commanded by a loony virago as to how to respond to anything.

Good luck to you.

That's a flat out lie. You do not wish him any luck at all.

[HappySkeptic]

It’s true that I can’t predict her reaction, unfortunately I tend to be a worst case scenario type of person, hence the therapy. In the case of my daughters, if she remains devout and true to her values, she may move in with her mom in another state. And by devout, I mean she tells me the only man above me is god. I let the word “a**” slip and she questioned if I was Christian or not. So In my mind, pretty devout.

I married my wife as a Christian.  We were even bible study leaders.

At some point I knew I was an atheist, and church changed for me.  I had to say creeds that I didn't believe in, take wine and bread that I should not have taken, and sing songs that I didn't believe.  I was taught "if you can't pray it, you shouldn't sing it".

I was lying to everyone, and it was affecting my ability to grow spiritually.  I liked church!  Religion was very important to me.  Asking questions about morality, values, purpose is important to me.  Growing as a person is important to me.  Community is important to me.

So, I went the "spiritual light" route rather than declaring that I was an atheist to my wife.  The word "atheist" has huge negative connotations to some Christians.  We're the ones who hate God, and want to lead Christian children into damnation (or are godless communists).

Instead I said that I had checked out another church, and would like to go.  It was UU.  It took a while to explain what that was, but by then the shock to her was over.  She even went a few times and didn't find it objectionable.  It helped that she didn't believe that all non-Christians must go to hell.

But, the UU church is half-atheist, and I'm in that half.  But, I don't have to use that word.  I'm just Unitarian Universalist.  Just some non-threatening "be nice to others" group.  Not those strident "god-hating" atheists.