Just Water

[Rokcet Scientist]

Just water

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

[Captain Scarlet]

LOL

The Archbishop of Canterbury is walking down the street when he bumps into a young boy carrying a box. He asks the boy "what's in the box". The boy opens the box and there are these 12 new born kittens and he responds "Christian kittens sir". Heartened and touched by the young boy the archbishop goes about his business.

A week later he is walking down the street with the pope when he sees the same young boy carrying the same box. Nudging the pope he says " go and ask that young lad what he has in his box". Dutifully the pope does exactly that "excuse me young man what's in the box". "Atheist kittens sir" comes the response. Looking surprised and alarmed he turns to the archbishop. Crestfallen the archbishop says " what's wrong, last week you said they were Christian kittens?". "ah yes" says the young boy "but last week they hadn't opened their eyes".

[Cinjin]

Jesus and Santa Clause were arguing about who had more power.
Through the course of the argument Jesus said, "I can walk on water and even turn it into wine."
Santa replied, "Yeah, well I can visit millions of houses in one night delivering billions of toys."
To that Jesus replied, " yeah, well I turned two loaves of bread and some fish into a feast to feed a multitude of people."
Santa laughed, "please, I can monitor and track millions of children to find out if their good ... all at the same time."
Jesus - "I've raised people from the dead!" Santa - "So, I've been around for over 200 years and I'm still here!"
Jesus, feeling frustrated and out-classed simply yelled out, "YEAH, well I died for the sins of the entire fucking world!"

Santa paused for a moment to contemplate ... then quietly replied ...

"yeah, well, my gifts don't come with strings attached."

[frankiej]

funny stuff

[Judas BentHer]

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."



God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.

[Kayenneh]

A Catholic priest was making ready for the confession, when he suddenly got the runs. He asked the altar boy to handle it, but the boy said: "I don't know what to do!"
"It's easy", answered the priest. "You've heard me do it so many times that no one will notice."
Then he runs off to the toilet and the boy sees that he has no choice. Soon enough there's a man who wants to make a confession.
"Father, I don't know what to do, for I have sinned", says he. "Last night when my wife fell asleep I fucked her in the ass, and I feel really bad about it. What can I do to make it up to her?"
"It's no problem", says the boy. "Just give her milk and cookies, that's what the priest always gives me!"

[LastPoet]

Jesus Christ enters a hotel, hands the receptionist 3 nails and says:

"Will you put me up for the night?"

Thumbs up if if know where this joke is from.

[Minimalist]

Father Pat and Rabbi Sol go to a local boxing match between "Irish" Sean O'hara and Izzy "The Yid" Fleckstein. They settle into their seats as the fighters meet in the middle of the ring. As they return to their corners Rabbi Sol notices Irish O'hara making the sign of the cross.

"What's that for," he asked Father Pat?

"Oh, he's blessing himself for the upcoming match," Father Pat replied amiably.

"Will it help," demanded the rabbi?

Father pat answered, "not if he can't fight."

[Judas BentHer]

Had to make up for the lame "god created" joke.

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[The Grand Nudger]

Why God never received tenure at any university...

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.