I'd say I'd changed my mind about closure but that would be a complete

(November 24, 2016 at 11:09 pm)Thumpalumpacus Wrote: Closure is overrated. /topic

Funny you should say that. I've been seeking closure after a bizarre sequence of events. I keep desperately trying to understand them, and trying to find ways to blame myself. No matter how much I pick at them or what way I look at it, it makes no sense. I have to accept I'll just never understand it, and that there's nothing I can do about it either. It was taken out of my hands some time ago, and all this self flagellation isn't achieving anything.

I can't get closure so I'll just have to let it go and move on as best I can.

CIJS

I'm not perfect but one thing I don't do is give up on a friend. That's not necessarily a good thing. It's really a mixed bag. I think it's both my strength and my weakness. The amount of times I've felt in life that I'm the one who messes everything up but then I remind myself that things rarely last forever and it just so happens that I'm never the one who leaves because that's--both fortunately and unfortunately-- just part of who I am.

So I think it's unfair on myself to beat myself up so much for being the odd one out all the time. Maybe it's not because there's something wrong with me. I could just as easily interpret as something right with me.

In reality I'd say it's not about good or bad: It's just about the fact that everybody's different. We're all unique and special in our own way. And we all learn from what life makes of us.

Life is just one, big, ever-changing context and not so easy to compartmentalise into neat little sections. It's messy, fuzzy logic. I used to try and categorise everything... paperwork etc... but the fact is it's much more suited to tags than it is to categories and I think you learn more and grow more if you can accept that... accept that life is messy and don't try to impose arbitrary limits on it. Just my two cents.

Eta: that ^ wasn't in reply to any particular post, just general views about closure (indirectly). Tags mean things can be in more than one category at a time... everything's interconnected and that's the brain's way. But we try to put order onto that chaos with categories and arbitrary divisions but it has limited success.

(November 25, 2016 at 12:22 am)Emjay Wrote: Life is just one, big, ever-changing context and not so easy to compartmentalise into neat little sections. It's messy, fuzzy logic. I used to try and categorise everything... paperwork etc... but the fact is it's much more suited to tags than it is to categories and I think you learn more and grow more if you can accept that... accept that life is messy and don't try to impose arbitrary limits on it. Just my two cents.

I agree so much.... and my O.C.D. absolutely gets in the way with this kind of thing.

The worst part about compulsions is you can literally know that it's not all black and white and digital and neat, you can know it's instead rather gray and analog and messy... and yet you still keep behaving like it's all black and white and digital and neat.

Sigh, and sometimes it even makes stuff, ironically, rather messy. Like... the above paragraph is an example where I found myself editing the paragraph to make it more symmetrical and organized in a way that made my O.C.D. happy... even when it makes it overly complicated and verbose.

The funny thing about my O.C.D--which makes doubt that the obsessiveness and compulsiveness is even O.C.D. per se despite having been on medication to treat those symptoms as if I have O.C.D. (my psychi(iatrist(even this bracketting is a function of it. In fact my entire strong mood shift today is a function of it. The change of compulsion feels extremely uplifting to me because it's better than the last one but FUCk it's awkward (lol)))--is that I can change my compulsions completely but I have to replace them with something and[ I can't trigger the change. I'm compelled to stick with the same one until something triggers a change... but they regularly do change to something completely different. It seems replacement is the only way to deal with them. I've been replacing them since I was 12 (I'm 28 now for those who don't know and/or are wondering).

The other thing is being aware of it--life now when I self-referentially describe and observe my own O.C.D. symptoms--does absolutely nothing to actually changing them. Step one is to be aware of the problem, yes. But what do I replace all this stuff with? Something less dysfunctional? Well, yes, but if--for whatever reason--more functional compulsions felt like an option to me I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, lol. It's a matter of the most harmless habits becoming something rather non-harmless simply by virtue of them becoming obsessive compulsions rather than normal habits. It's often a matter of intensity rather than content. And.... yeah... I'm very happy to have this particular new set of compulsions right now because it's far superior and--importantly more pro-social and less anti-social, as embarassing as it is in other ways.....

I find that... in fact... the more self-aware of them sometimes.... the more they increase. Like now. Drawing attention to the O.C.D. seems to intensify it.

But it's not a bad thing because the entire purpose of this post is, really:

Can I Just Say And I'm Just Being Honest--

It's hard to define what my O.C.D. is like for me. But I guess this post is a very very watered-down version of what it's like inside my head all the time. VERY watered down. I doubt anyone would ever want to read a more intense version.

The fact my posts and messages and PMs often consistent of a repeated paraphrasing of the same shit--my specific way of rambling--is partly an O.C.D. thing... I think.

But one of the main things is.... it's probably unoticiable to anyone but myself but... my writing style changes every now and then. It's whenever I have a compulsion shift. Like today has been (It's been months since a shift, today is the start one). A compulsion shift is like a paradigm shift only more annoying lol.

Shit why do I feel like this post is fucking awful. Apologies if it is. Ick.

I don't know much about OCD as a clinical thing, though I think most people have OCD traits to one degree or another. I used to be a lot more black and white in my thinking than I am now. I don't know what changed to be honest, but something did. I suppose it's just a kind of 'let it be what it is' mentality now. So in the past I might have had collections or made lists like top ten fast songs or whatever, but now it's just whatever songs I wanna put on a playlist and they don't need any rhyme or reason. Or with collections it doesn't have to be perfect any more etc. Just let whatever it is be its category

(November 24, 2016 at 11:57 pm)robvalue Wrote:

(November 24, 2016 at 11:09 pm)Thumpalumpacus Wrote: Closure is overrated. /topic

Funny you should say that. I've been seeking closure after a bizarre sequence of events. I keep desperately trying to understand them, and trying to find ways to blame myself. No matter how much I pick at them or what way I look at it, it makes no sense. I have to accept I'll just never understand it, and that there's nothing I can do about it either. It was taken out of my hands some time ago, and all this self flagellation isn't achieving anything.

I can't get closure so I'll just have to let it go and move on as best I can.

TBH, I was just joking with that post -- hence the "/topic", closing it.

Closure can be important, but easily as important is finding peace with irresolution, because as much as we'd like to have life nice and easily tied-up into a bow wrapping the present, you and I, we're both old enough to know that there ain't always a happy ending, or any ending at all.

Sometimes it is important to let go, practice mindfulness, and live in the present. It sure is, for me. You will of course assay its value to you yourself, right? We each have different tolerances.

Whatever it is nagging at you, Rob, I hope you find your peace with it. Much love, brotha.

Thank you, I appreciate it

I have the kind of brain that likes to understand things before putting them to bed, so writing something off as "no fucking clue" is difficult for me. Of course, if it was to do with things I don't care about it would be easy to forget but that's not the case.

I'm sure I will get there, it will just take time. It still feels very raw at the moment, and my depression is having a field day with it. I need to just stop analysing it now, that is the key. Allow it to drift off.

Thanks again

Hear! Hear!

Eta: ninja'd... this was to Thump's post.

(November 25, 2016 at 1:19 am)Emjay Wrote: I don't know much about OCD as a clinical thing, though I think most people have OCD traits to one degree or another. I used to be a lot more black and white in my thinking than I am now. I don't know what changed to be honest, but something did. I suppose it's just a kind of 'let it be what it is' mentality now. So in the past I might have had collections or made lists like top ten fast songs or whatever, but now it's just whatever songs I wanna put on a playlist and they don't need any rhyme or reason. Or with collections it doesn't have to be perfect any more etc. Just let whatever it is be its category

For years I had many compulsions that gave me analysis paralysis and stopped me from enjoying my life.

It's funny when for years you have an issue and spend all those years wondering if it will ever go away and then when it does go away it can go away not only in a heartbeat but you don't even notice it disappearing much because you're too busy enjoying its absence as soon as it disappears.

Spend forever making a big deal out of a problem and letting it take over your life and then when it goes away you act like "Meh, it's no big deal."

Us humans are indeed irrational beings.