I've only ever been flirted with by dudes who wanted to date me or fuck or whatever. My own flirting is lacking, but I am also not stand-offish. People seem aight with it, I'm aight with them, everything is aight.

(November 25, 2013 at 12:52 pm)Psykhronic Wrote: I've only ever been flirted with by dudes who wanted to date me or fuck or whatever. My own flirting is lacking, but I am also not stand-offish. People seem aight with it, I'm aight with them, everything is aight.

Aight then.

(November 24, 2013 at 3:30 pm)freedomfromfallacy Wrote: Yesterday, my wife and I were at a friends house and another lady showed up. Our mutual friend introduced all of us to one another, and the lady began flirting with me. My wife smiled, nodded at me (I have permission to flirt), and let me go at it.

Update - The Perils and Perks of Flirting...
So, the [woman] that began flirting with me in the above story got my phone number from our 'mutual friend'. She called to say that she enjoyed meeting my wife and me, and she wanted to know if we would have a couples double date with her and her husband. She said that she thinks her husband and I have a lot in common and that we might share similar interests. She then recommended a website for me to check out...

I would post the link, but I wouldn't want to encourage swinging, swapping, or fraternization. I'll chalk this experience up to a lesson learned. I was flattered, though I think my monogamous marriage would suffer greatly from spoiling the soup. I LOL'd so hard.

LOL, don't want to encourage it?

We're friends with many poly couples. I'm quite fond of one in particular. They're good people. I don't see anything wrong with it if people conduct themselves maturely. It's just not for us... at least at the moment.

(November 25, 2013 at 1:47 pm)thesummerqueen Wrote: LOL, don't want to encourage it?

Nor would I discourage it within proper confines. It's just not our thing.

(November 25, 2013 at 12:27 pm)thesummerqueen Wrote: I just think flirting is such wonderful, harmless fun that people should feel it can be for an ego boost and mood leavening - not just as a tool of conquest.

In what way is flirting supposed to give you an ego boost exactly?


The 3 main motives for flirting could be:
(a) for your own self-esteem
(b) because you actually like the person who you were flirting with
(c) you just want to be in a relationship with someone

The last two are related since if you like that person, then that means that you are flirting because you want to develop a relationship with him, which can also suggest that you are doing this because you don't want to be alone.

However, if you view that flirting is more for the purpose of your own ego boost (through someone else) than actually liking that person, then I think that is kind of a 'forced' ego boost and that's why it is not real, but artificial. You probably wouldn't want to flirt for that reason if you felt that you already had enough self-esteem in the first place. And this kind of volatile ego boost won't last for very long; it is shallow and wanes away quickly.

The whole act is mostly a flattering behavior. You are basically trying to draw attention toward yourself, and then you get a good feeling just out of getting more attention.

(November 25, 2013 at 10:13 pm)Rayaan Wrote: In what way does flirting give you an ego boost exactly?


...However, if you view that flirting is more for the purpose of your own ego boost (through someone else) than actually liking that person, then I think that is kind of a 'forced' ego boost and that's why it is not real, but artificial.

Does doing something well that you are skilled at give you a boost?
Is that boost real, or 'forced' and 'artificial'?

I'm good at many things, and observing myself performing well in those areas gives me a REAL boost of self-confidence, because it demonstrates that I have good reason to be confident in myself.

Wow, you have a pretty selfish view of flirting.

No, I flirt because I enjoy the banter, and because there's a certain stimulation in making someone else feel attractive. Also, even if a person is confident in themselves, flirting isn't about making yourself feel physically attractive necessarily, but engaging your brain so that you feel appreciated as a whole. It punches everything up at least another notch.

There's a certain something about romance where the person who is romancing you makes you feel like the stars - for a time - revolve around you. You feel important. You might already know you're important to any number of people, but this one particular person (or many - it can be more than one at a time) turns the world into a smorgasbord of sensation, and you're at the center of a whirlwind of excitement and nerves and happiness so bone-deep, you feel drenched in light. The world could be going to hell in a handbasket around you, and you would be there, incandescent and hopeful, because the delight suffuses you utterly.

Flirting is like tapping into that, briefly. Not a symphony, but a handful of notes...like someone teasingly gliding through a portion of a familiar and much-loved melody on a piano. It doesn't have to be about gaining attention for the player to feel good, but because they know it will make a person they admire smile. Because it invokes memories and feelings that lighten somber moods and create connections. I suppose you could consider it selfish - I doubt there is much at all that humans do that couldn't be considered so in some respect - but it's not so forced as you suggest.

For one, I can flirt with a man, and often do, because I do like him...but not because I want to "not be alone." Many people suffer from that, but I personally do not, and I know many other people who also don't. "Developing a relationship" could mean a couple things in my book - I flirt often with my friends, with no intention of forming a romantic or sexual relationship with them. Developing our friend relationship further might be a result, but I can do that in many other ways as well. But flirting is fun, and keeps me and the other person touching that happy feeling.

I never flirt with people I don't like, so your idea of flirting solely for my own ego boost doesn't really work. If I flirted only because it was making ME feel good, I wouldn't be very good at it. There's a certain amount of sincerity needed for it to work. Thus, because I sincerely like that person and want them to know it, I'm automatically NOT doing it just for my own ego...because my own ego is at least equaled by my wish to make that person feel good for their own sake. I could never talk to that person again, but still count the flirt well-done.

Because it has nothing to do with making my confidence better. In fact, I probably wouldn't be very good at flirting if my confidence wasn't up to a certain point. It has everything to do with confidently making that person see, just for a moment, themselves reflected in my eyes. They experience for a brief time their self that I know and care about. No longer is that man (or woman) over-worked, graying, tired, and dull. He sees himself again - interesting, worth-knowing, invigorated, attractive, and exciting. And it's a true self they see, because as humans we're multi-faceted and unfortunately get stuck seeing only a handful of ugly sides of ourselves quite often, and forget the others. I like making people see the others.

Maybe I get a selfish boost because I can say *I* made someone feel that way. That certainly makes me feel special. But they feel special too. If it worked on your principle that "more attention" equals better, then it wouldn't be so fun to do in private.

I'm not really much of a flirt, partly because of my lack of social skills, and partly because of the fact that women's feet are the part of their body I'm most likely to like, and women tend to be very uneasy about that sort of thing.

But, strangely, I had a theatre teacher who flirted constantly with everyone. For instance, she said we should see three theatrical productions for the semester. One student asked if opera counted towards that total, and she said "I'll give you extra credit if you take me." She was in her twenties, but was small enough to easily pass for a grade-schooler. To make it even more surreal, she constantly mentioned that she was Jewish, even when there was no reason to bring it up. For what it's worth, she was apparently married and still flirted with her students. So, basically, she was a little bundle of "What the Hell." She only lasted about a year in my school, although she apparently decided to quit because the drive to Niles was too much for her.

(November 25, 2013 at 10:45 pm)thesummerqueen Wrote: Wow, you have a pretty selfish view of flirting.

I was responding to a single point in my last post, and was not giving a summary of my reasons for flirting. I initiated this thread to instigate fun and flirtatious banter. If I were selfish, I would do no such thing. I do not flirt to boost my ego, as my ego is balanced with an infrequent need for stroking. I can assure anyone who cares, that I am a very fun, and reciprocal flirt. The entire act of flirting is very intimate, and I do not take it lightly, nor do I do it to use others for my self-edification.