StealthySkeptic's Twilight Rant

There are a few things I must confess before I go into this Twilight rant.

First of all, I never read the books beyond shamelessly stealing my sister's copy of Twilight to see what all the fuss was about. The greater part of my experience has been with the films as a result. Thank God, since my sanity barely made out of the films alive.

Second, my parents own Twilight on Blu-ray Disc, and that's how I was introduced to the films. And Twilight as a film...is...gahhh *grimaces* not entirely terrible. There, I said it! You happy now, Twihards?! I know you're out there in the dark corners of the Internet, waiting to haunt my nightmares with your fanfiction...

Look, look, before the rest of you skin me alive too, third and last...sigh...in an attempt to surprise my sister I decided to buy The Twilight Saga: Eclipse when it came out on iTunes, so that I could watch it for myself once and then show it to her, instead of having to rent it twice. But by then she'd moved on to all the Twilight clones. Oh jeez- I'll get to the rest of current young adult literature later.

In response to this shocking revelation, Losty yelled in her usual skimpy outfit, "But Stealthy! How can our resident teenage atheist ninja movie critic have been so boneheaded? Why must you break my heart?!"

And now this godawful movie sits in my collection, staring at me, demanding that I watch it again...no matter what it has to do.



DO NOT WANT!

So anyway, instead of going through as many criticisms of each of the five movies as I possibly can, I'll try to find five good things about the movies (and possibly- I can't believe I'm saying this- the book) and then five of the worst things about the movies (and especially the book). Without any further ado, I give to you...

The Top 5 Not Entirely Shitty Things About the Twilight Saga

#1: It got kids to read.

It got kids to read the long, boring, expository, whiny, mopey, delusional, self-insertion fantasies of a sexually repressed Mormon housewife. But at least they were reading at a third grade level.

#2: Dat font.

C'mon, tell me that font isn't a guilty pleasure to look at.



The HypnoFont is making you veeeery sleeeepy. When I count to three, you will fork over all your money. ALL OF IT, SHEEP.

#3: All the $$$$$$$$$ it made from the hypnotized sheep singlehandedly saved Lionsgate and Summit Entertainment.

And thereby allowed such good to awesome indie and blockbuster films as The Hunger Games, The Hurt Locker, Mud, Now You See Me, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, and Warm Bodies to exist. I suppose a teeny, tiny, begrudging thank you is in order for that, but nothing more.

#4...#4...what the hell could I come up with as the fourth thing I actually like about this series? Nope, can't find anything.

Well, that's enough of trying to be "fair" and "unbiased" about this piece of shit "saga." I guess I could pick from the top five things I hate.

*Opens a 150 page Word document listing all my complaints with all five movies*

Oh, dear, excuse me for one moment. Even with my legendary ninja reading and typing speed, sorting through these is gonna take a while.

...

Done. Revisiting all of my rage committed to page my was the worst 1.5 seconds of my life. Now, on to...

The Top 5 Oh Yeah These Are Entirely Shitty Things Why the Hell is This a Billion Dollar Phenomenon I Want My Time and Money Back You Little...

Phew. These are in order from least annoying to "Mr. President, this is such an insult to literature that we have to go to DEFCON 1" level of bad.

#1: It Brought 73,000 Tourists to Forks, Washington in 2010

Why's that a bad thing? After all, it's improving the local economy. But when you think about it, it's created an unholy flight of migratory Twihards, bringing along their sexually repressed mothers and broken and weeping fathers, emerging from their parents' basements to slowly drain the town of any taste they might have left. Those of you with brains would do best to steer clear.

#2: Conflict? What Conflict?

Do you like movies where people just stand around and talk? Do you like movies with almost nothing but standing around, lip-biting, moping, crying, and shirtlessness? Do you absolutely hate three-act structures and any kind of pacing faster than, oh, utterly aimless? Did I mention, do you LOVE shirtlessness?

Then you will love this movie series!

In all seriousness, Twilight's "plot" consists of a pathetic attempt to ape the Forbidden Love angle from Romeo and Juliet. Its oh so sad blue filters over everything, seemingly endless slow motion shots, and the book's purple prose and constant comparisons of Edward to Adonis (thankfully omitted from the movie- see, I told you Twilight the movie wasn't entirely terrible!) are also trying to desperately to be Shakespearean.

But you know why Romeo and Juliet's story worked when Twilight's imitation crab meat of a story falls flat? In Romeo and Juliet, there's actual stakes beyond the two lovers, an engaging plot, dialogue that not only doesn't sound like it's been written by an alien, but has stood the test of time, and awesome swordfighting. But it all comes together because of the, you know, CONFLICT, both within Romeo and Juliet themselves that shaped the world around them and between the Capulets and the Montagues that lent dramatic weight to their choices. In fact, it's a storyline that's worked ever since Pyramus and Thisbe in Ovid's Metamorphoses (which Shakespeare shamelessly adapted from) because there's always something happening that adds meat to the story while creating leads that are engaging.

That's not to say that all romances have to have external conflict. Plenty of stories only have internal conflict and pull it off. Thus, I can understand to some extent why the main focus in the first Twilight is on the internal conflict within Bella about whether to pursue a relationship with Edward or not. After all, that is what fans appear to identify as the strongest part of the series for them, and the will they/won't they trope drives a lot of the success of many movies and television shows with romantic angles.

But Twilight also tries to have a series of cardboard antagonists including the Volturi who never really are a threat, conflict between vampires and werewolves goes nowhere, the human world never really notices what's going on (a big pet peeve of mine in modern YA fantasies but whatever), no vampire hunters stake some sparkly ass, and little to nothing of substance happens outside the main (boring) romantic plotline. If you're going to have external as well as internal conflict, fine, but at least do it well! Here, there's really no tension outside the lovers' arc that would lend gravitas to the romance and the internal tension in the relationship is always manufactured by external plot conveniences.



Crikey, here we glimpse the rare Homo jacobus with clothing on and the parasitic MarySue attached to his underbelly, draining any interesting character from him.

#3: The Stake in Vampire Fiction's Heart

You want to make vampires not have to count poppy seeds, immune to holy water, impervious to crosses, able to know how much sunscreen to use, etc.? It's absolutely within your prerogative as an author. Removing some of the traditional weaknesses from vampires, werewolves, etc. in order to reinterpret the mythology of these beasts for your own purposes is something that can be engaging and make for interesting storytelling.

Here, though, Stephenie Meyer and the filmmakers by extension think that by taking as many weaknesses out of vampires as they can they're somehow being "edgy." As I said before in my post on Mary Sues in fiction, when you have any characters, any strengths they have or gain must be balanced out by weaknesses. I'll address these with regards to the characters in a moment, but first I'll get to the mechanics of being a vampire.

OK, so say you're an unfortunate idiot in 17th century Transylvania who delivers Dracula's order to his place, only to find out that your blood is what's for dinner. Well, sorry about that nasty bite. But don't worry, you gain immortality, godly sex appeal, ability to have sex all you want, super speed, super strength, super baseball playing ability, the ability to abstain from human blood by feeding exclusively on animals, and the ability to magically confound police investigators through the power of plot holes. Plus you can eat all the garlic knots you want with your pizza.

The only downsides? You can only be killed by beheading (that is, if your enemies can catch up to you), and you sparkle in the sunlight, and might die from embarrassment if caught undead like that- but hey, it beats being cooked like an egg on a sidewalk by the Sun. Oh, and people will probably never write stories about vampires again without them being compared to Twilight for decades by brainless tweens, thus leading to the possibility of killing off a legendary genre of horror with multiple great works of literature from Dracula to Carmilla that's been around for centuries.

Wait a minute, that seems like a sweet deal, actually! Then I could be a teenage VAMPIRE ninja atheist movie critic. Sign me up for the next vampire blood drive! I can't wait to join the League of Marty Stus.



On the eighth day, God created sparkling vampires. Then he said, "Fuck this shit, peace out homies" and disappeared in a puff of idiocy.

#4: Oh Likable Protagonists, Where Art Thou?

There are something like dozens of "characters" in Twilight, if you can call these paper mâché dolls that, most of whom I forgot about after I was done with putting myself through the torture of watching the entire movie series legally or by crook. I will instead refer to the two "main" characters, who seared themselves into my mind, and not for the right reasons.

Edward is, as you probably have guessed by now even if you've never touched one of Twilight's unholy pages or discs for yourself, the ultimate Marty Stu. In fact, Marty Stu can now retire to a perfect beach somewhere where he can live out his snore-inducing perfection of a life and have his name replaced in The Dictionary of Fucking Stupid Literary Cliches by Edward Cullen.

Bella Swan nearly instantly falls in love with him, he's a brooding loner with EMOOOOTIONS, he's never criticized for his stalking and abusive behavior towards a vulnerable and insecure woman he claims to love, and he always gets what he wants in the end. I could go on for dozens and dozens of posts, citing specific plot points from the movies and the books to prove that lines on paper are more three dimensional than Edward, but why bother? We all know he's just there as walking fanservice anyhow, so nobody who likes the films or books really gives a shit about his characterization. Might as well have given the little turd a lightsaber so he could have slain all of his foes in five seconds and end this nightmare.



Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis. Did I mention he's soooo perfectly dreamy?

Edward describes Bella Swan perfectly when he states that he can't read her mind. Obviously the reason why is because she's an airhead. I know what you're thinking- she's obviously a Mary Sue, right? Well...you're partially right. Actually, according to the great time sink of the Internet (aka TV Tropes) she's an Anti-Sue. To spare you from wasting all your free time there, what I mean is that she's a Mary Sue whose fault is not that she's too perfect, but that she's too imperfect.

She's shy, she bites her lip, she's clumsy, she's introverted, she's needy and codependent on Edward for...reasons, she's whiny, she's a wannabe emo, did I mention she nearly fucking kills herself to hallucinate Edward (spoilers, not like you give a shit), she's the worst kind of damsel in distress...ugh. I could go on and on and on, again using specific plot points from the movies. But again, it doesn't fucking matter because she's an empty pot girls dangerously put themselves into, making it feel OK to have an evil, controlling boyfriend as long as he's hot.

The other problem with Bella throughout the series, of course, is that nothing is ever positive about Bella to counterbalance her horribleness, and nothing sets her apart or makes her interesting. Four books, five movies, and billions of dollars later, the only thing that ever changes about Bella is which of the two men in her life, Edward or Jacob, she's manipulating for her own selfish needs. Then the only thing that ends up developing her at the very end is that she becomes a regular Mary Sue after she gets turned into a vampire by Edward in Breaking Dawn when her half-vampire baby breaks her motherfucking spine, by becoming the perfect, speshulest vampire who can control her powers and bloodlust quicker than anyone and has the ability to use a motherfucking SHIELD.



Insert strong, complex female character with actual personality here.

Somebody just let me commit seppuku in peace for a moment.

#5: Why Jacob, WHY?!?!

On the other hand, for the majority of the series the only character that had anywhere near anything good going for him from a characterization standpoint was Jacob Black, the Native American and Half-Naked American werewolf who competed with Edward Cullen for Bella's attention even though we all knew that he was going to lose from the word go because Stephenie Meyer has not a single bone of originality in her body. Yet I stuck it out through the movies to see if they would at least get him right.

In my opinion, he could have done better. He was kind to his family, fiercely loyal, had a good head on his shoulders, and actually looked like he wasn't wasting away unlike Edward. ONCE AGAIN, I could go on and on, with specific plot points from the movies and books, but we all know he's just the third wheel character. All of his energy was wasted on a girl who not only wanted someone else for the majority of the books and was leading him on like the Mary Sue she is, but was not even worth it to begin with.

Well, that and he (massive spoilers) also becomes the pedophile character in Breaking Dawn. Turns out that in an effort to appease Team Jacob Stephenie Meyer decided to up the creepy by 1000% by having Jacob "imprint" (automatically become romantically attracted to through the power of bullshit) on Bella and Edward's infant daughter Renesmee and eventually marries her. Do I even have to explain why this is not only a completely batshit insane plot development that ruins the only character with even an ounce of real development, but why it's probably the most disgusting thing ever put to page or screen? Or are American teenagers really that dumb that they'll eat up whatever is served to them by their Hollywood masters regardless of how moronic it is?!



Just...I...BARF!

*****

Oh, PS, after doing some more thinking, I finally found one last thing I like about The Twilight Saga! Hooray?

#4 & #5: It's Miles Better Than the Eragon Series



Above: My reaction after reading Eragon.

Eragon: Stealing from Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter and shitting on their corpses since Christopher Paolini, a talentless, pretentious, hormonal hack got a publishing contract for Christmas from his parents and laughed at all the good unpublished writers rejected by editors as he passed by.

Got any rants of your own to share? I'd love to hear them!

Vampire Baby.

Also, fucking vampires that just shine really bright when the sun hits them instead of setting on fire and dying horribly?

Honestly, part of the interesting thing about vampire mythology is the awesome power juxtaposed against the really awful negatives that being a vampire entails (awesome: Generally super strong and fast, can live forever [note; not necessarily a good thing] - Negative: sunlight kills, piece of wood through the heart kills you, mumbo jumbo water kills you, other vampires who are stronger can kill you, constant need for blood and so on).

But in Twilight there's seemingly no drawbacks. You can run around in daylight and seemingly do whatever you want. EDWARD EVEN GOES ON FUCKING HOLIDAY WITH BELLA FFS! I mean wtf?

Note I've never read the books and only watched the films because they were on TV. I am not a twilight hater or a twilight fan. But the films just come across as teenage angst mixed with vampires. Which is fine I guess because that's what the books are aimed at . But that's still not an excuse for shoddy story lines and plot devices, which I think the twilight films had in droves. Sitting there listening to placebo or Muse whilst kristen stewart and her grumpy fucking face looks out a window for 3 hours did nothing for me, unfortunately. And usually I wouldn't mind but that was (seemingly) the ENTIRE MOVIE (at least the first one) .

Yes! Vampire Baby. Ughhhh...

I shamefully read the series to see what the fuss was about too. When I bought it, all I could think was, "Please don't let anyone see me purchasing this." The girl at the register told me it was a great book. I just replied, "It's for my niece." I don't even have a niece. The series was soooo "deep" it took me a week to read. I can't agree with your review more. The best thing going for it was the font. Easy to read in bed without the glasses on. Their size was a plus now that I think about it. They make a good base for my African Violets to sit upon in order to the reach light coming from the window.

(August 15, 2014 at 12:16 pm)Zack Wrote: I shamefully read the series to see what the fuss was about too. When I bought it, all I could think was, "Please don't let anyone see me purchasing this." The girl at the register told me it was a great book. I just replied, "It's for my niece." I don't even have a niece. The series was soooo "deep" it took me a week to read. I can't agree with your review more. The best thing going for it was the font. Easy to read in bed without the glasses on. Their size was a plus now that I think about it. They make a good base for my African Violets to sit upon in order to the reach light coming form the window.

I think we use the hardcover books and their dust jackets as drink coasters now. So that's a good use for them.

GAH!!!!! YOU STARED A TWILIGHT RAGE THREAD!!! NOW I MUST RAGE!!!

Confession: I have listened to all the audiobooks (curses be upon my sister) and seen all the movies (curses be upon my mother) so I know what I'm talking about.

Following SS's format, I shall attempt to list 5 not so awful things about the series and then 5 of my biggest peeves regarding the series, but first I must state my disagreement with SS:

#1: It got kids to read.

No. Harry Potter got kids to read. Twilight merely kept them occupied until all the HP movies were done and the Hunger Games was released.

Twilight wouldn't have had a leg to stand on without the fanbase of Harry Potter that primed the world for stories of reimagined cliches and catered to a similar audience.


The Top 5 Not Entirely Shitty Things About the Twilight Saga

#1: The idea of the book is actually not a bad one.

What would happen if a human and a vampire legitimately fell in love? Too bad the entire premise of these books immediately loses all jeopardy when it turns out that Edward has the self-control of a saint (or a Greek god...)

#2: ...

#3: ...

Um... yeah, I think #1 is it.

The Top 5 Shittiest Things About the Twilight Saga

In no particular order.

No one but Bella is responsible for her shitty life.



Bella and Edward have ZERO reasons to fall in love.



Noooooooooothiiiiiinnnnnnnng haaaaaaaaapppeeeeeeeennsssss.......



The only person not 100% enamored with Bella is cut from the movies:



Booooooring characters



You call that a sex scene?!?!?



WTF was up with that ending?



Next to nothing in these books is original



Do vampires even have sperm?



Women in the Twilight series



The Twilight books as terrible examples for teenage girls



Eeeehm... plot hole??



The Cullens a a bunch of hypocrites



Edward is a hypocrite



Ooops, I think that was more than 5 things...

Quote:No. Harry Potter got kids to read. Twilight merely kept them occupied until all the HP movies were done and the Hunger Games was released.

Twilight wouldn't have had a leg to stand on without the fanbase of Harry Potter that primed the world for stories of reimagined cliches and catered to a similar audience.

My thoughts exactly, even as I wrote my sarcastic positives.

I like your rant for more detailed plot complaints that I'd forgotten about years ago, as well as a thorough roasting of the books. Glad you liked mine as well, Clueless Morgan!

Oh and that definitely was more than five things. Do I care? No.

The Bella character was just a whinney immature girl who thought the world revolved around her, and for some reason it did.
My wife loves these films so I have been forced to endure all of them. They are awful and BOOORRRING.

Wow, just wow! What a colorful thread you started here. Honestly, you don't see this much passion, font and color change in some of the more popular - heated threads.

I bought my daughter the first Twilight book, back before all the hoopla began. Edward and Bella is all I heard about for the better part of 4 years.

After much begging, she talked me into reading them. I actually wound up liking them. The last book in the series - Breaking Dawn was my favorite, same with the movie.

Yea, I know everyone loves to poke fun at the whole Twilight phenomenon, and guess what? I don't give a shit. I like what I like and do not need anyone's approval.

And I promise you that Twilight's author Stephanie Meyer, doesn't give a shit either. She's laughing all the way to the bank.