Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[emjay]

Thanks Thumpy, that means a lot I think you're a good guy too... a great guy in fact. So caring and empathic with everyone, and so expressive and soulful in everything you say. You really inspire me

Lol, so long as you ignore those posts where I'm an asshole.

I really understand your conundrum and work g on yourself, and still wanting to be connected to people. I'm in a similar boat in recovering from my alcoholism and using mindfulness as a major tool in that endeavor.

I split my time between people and solitude. Finding the right balance can be pretty difficult, especially since I work with the public but live alone. I think I reached a good point when I learnt to let go of the disjointed feelings that such a disjointed life aroused in me.

Still working on it -- still have days when I don't want to see anyone, still have days when the loneliness gets pretty heavy.

Nah, you're never an asshole... or if you are, you're a poetic asshole

Mine's more to do with a misspent and deluded youth... one that set the stage for where I am now in so many different ways, physical and mental. So where I am now is in a dark place where everything I thought I knew in the past has turned out, on introspection, to be false... deluded. Everything that ever comforted me is gone or going and leaving me stranded in a no-man's land where I can't look to the past or to the future for comfort. So I feel like I'm an expert of loss but the Buddhism is really helping with that (I'm not a Buddhist btw... just inspired by (a lot of) aspects of it). I do feel good and proud of facing my demons and debunking my delusions, but the more I do it, the more I strip away everything I thought I knew and the more I remove the comfort they provided; I can't go back to them... now that they're transparent to me. So basically my life at the moment is all about identifying the crap and throwing it out, both mentally with introspection and analysis, and physically by KonMariing all my stuff (a form of decluttering where you only keep that which 'sparks joy'). I'm glad I'm doing it but it does mean that I'm essentially resetting myself in both regards, and that's quite a scary thing... being essentially reborn right now and starting over. But as hard as it is, and however lonely and unfamiliar territory it is, I think there's no substitute for the cold, hard truth so ultimately I'm glad of it, and feeling myself getting stronger and wiser by the minute because of it.

And on top of all of it, the future too looks bleak. I'll call it Karma even if no-one else will. My health continues to deteriorate as a result of bad choices in my life. And my mind feels dull as if dying... comprehension, attention, interest... all gone or going. It really does feel like there's something wrong up there. I just feel like I'm on the way out... and worse, welcoming it with open arms... a death-wish basically but not an immediate one. Just a willingness to let it be. So that's where I am... no hope for the future and losing my past, under my own steam.

[Jackalope]

@emjay
Just chill. It's all good. I think you worry a bit too much sometimes.

[Jackalope]

CIJS

poop

Because not only is poop an underutilized word, it's also a palindrome.

[Jesster]

CIJS I think it was a wasted effort to make a word for palindromes that was not in itself a palindrome.

"Emordnilap" is not sexy.

[emjay]

@emjay
Just chill.   It's all good. I think you worry a bit too much sometimes.

Ya think? Yeah, I do. But I am getting more mindful of it so less inclined to worry than I used to be... it's what in Buddhism I'd call 'second arrow' thinking... and to be avoided. The first arrow is physical pain etc... a direct sensation... but the second arrow is any pain you create mentally on top of that... worry, exaggeration, anger etc... things that make the pain worse but can be avoided with mindfulness. So I don't worry as much any more as I used to, but what can I say, I guess I've relapsed here Thanks for reminder though... hopefully it will snap me out of it

[robvalue]

CIJSAIJBH...

I'm feeling a lot like a fly these days... an annoying nuisance buzzing around and popping up randomly without much to say and not landing long enough in one place to be helpful. If anyone feels that way about me, please feel free to swat me. Rather that than continue to be unhelpful and a nuisance and worse, maybe even make people feel worse. Seriously... swat me if I'm unwelcome... no offence will be taken... honesty is the best policy here. Thanks.

JBH: Anyone who feels that way about you is a twatforbrains. You're awesome

[Thumpalumpacus]

Emjay, there's a dangerously thin line separating introspection and rumination.

[emjay]

Emjay, there's a dangerously thin line separating introspection and rumination.

What do you mean?

[robvalue]

There's a problem with his dictionary I think

[emjay]

There's a problem with his dictionary I think

And what do you mean?

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See how slow my mind's gone?

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