Hello, and what should I do?

[RayOfLight]

Hello everyone!
 
This is my first time on this forum and I don't know what to expect, but hopefully, I will enjoy my time and you enjoy having me here.
 
I'm a young man, undergraduate student, grew up in a religious society and semi-religious family (Not Christian), and have gone through a long process of doubting the faith I was raised in, and at some point, I've became an atheist. Later, however, precisely 4 years ago, I've become a Christian. it has shaped my life since then, and met nice people and made friendships because of it, I found refuge in time of need, and as someone who struggles with depression, it helped me a great deal to pray, meditate, and know that things happen for a reason.
 
Last Easter my faith has come under scrutiny (it did before that but isn’t worth calling it scrutiny). then things calmed down and I thought it was just a phase and was over. However, it showed up again about a month and a half ago and this time is even much stronger. It is not limited to questions of, why, how, where...etc. but also involves emotions and personal experience that made my faith seem pointless and in a way, I've come to see it as a burden, especially considering my sexual orientation and marriage which no matter how many times I've tried to reconcile the both, it just always ends up a mess. Nevertheless, my faith have brought a lot of good to my life, and losing it (I still hope it is just a phase though) have brought with it two different feelings, one of sadness, emptiness, guilt, and in my situation, made my depression worse, also questions about, will I now start mocking religion? will I become an atheist that thinks religious people are fools (not all atheists think that I'm sure), but also brought feelings of liberation, excitement, curiosity, and motivation, and for someone who is gay, it made me feel much better to not worry about reconciling my religion or the attitudes of some religious folks with my marriage and homosexuality.  The problem is, I've gone through some the latter when I became an atheist years ago, but this time, the first category of feelings is much stronger because my Christian faith affected my life in ways that Islam didn't, so leaving it is very difficult. Sometimes while I'm at work or campus, I feel the urge to cry, and sometimes I feel very sad that I wonder if it is God's voice that is telling me what I'm doing is wrong and should come back. I don't want to take too much of your time already but I believe you know what I'm going through and therefore, I'm asking you, what would you advice me to do? How should I deal with the negative feelings? What do you think I should and should not do?

Peace 😊

[vorlon13]

welcome

have you attended MCC services?

[drfuzzy]

Will you start mocking your religion?  That's up to you.
I was raised very religious, and it was during Easter services that I had the strong sense of "this is all ridiculous and I simply can't believe it".   There is a grieving period to the loss of faith that has been with you all of your life.  It is natural to have a few moments of doubt.  Usually, reading through the Bible without the "god wrote this for ME" rose-colored glasses on will help erase that doubt and will give you a lot more moments of "wtf is this crap and why did I just accept this without question, wow".  
If you really hear God's voice telling you to come back, record it, document it, and prove it.  You'll be very rich very quickly.  
Have you ever wondered about the millions of people who "believe god is with us" and "believe god told me to do ___" and never, ever can say "I know god is here and I can prove it"?
My sexuality conflicts with my pentecostal upbringing as well.  I'm very grateful for it, but it caused my parents to disown me in 1988.  I hope you fare better.
What to do?  Read the bible.  Set up your own self-study.  There are lots of science and atheist books out there.  There are lots of good videos on YouTube.  Don't stress, just go with it.

[brewer]

Welcome to the forum Ray.

Ya got a lot going on there. Not sure I can or want to address it all so I'll just say this. I don't think all theists are fools. It's just that their basis for belief is foolish to me. 

Keep talking to us, things will work out, one way or the other. If you decide that you need theist belief it's OK, it's your life. The times when I get bent is when I'm told my position of "no god" in wrong.

[Brian37]

Hello everyone!
 
This is my first time on this forum and I don't know what to expect, but hopefully, I will enjoy my time and you enjoy having me here.
 
I'm a young man, undergraduate student, grew up in a religious society and semi-religious family (Not Christian), and have gone through a long process of doubting the faith I was raised in, and at some point, I've became an atheist. Later, however, precisely 4 years ago, I've become a Christian. it has shaped my life since then, and met nice people and made friendships because of it, I found refuge in time of need, and as someone who struggles with depression, it helped me a great deal to pray, meditate, and know that things happen for a reason.
 
Last Easter my faith has come under scrutiny (it did before that but isn’t worth calling it scrutiny). then things calmed down and I thought it was just a phase and was over. However, it showed up again about a month and a half ago and this time is even much stronger. It is not limited to questions of, why, how, where...etc. but also involves emotions and personal experience that made my faith seem pointless and in a way, I've come to see it as a burden, especially considering my sexual orientation and marriage which no matter how many times I've tried to reconcile the both, it just always ends up a mess. Nevertheless, my faith have brought a lot of good to my life, and losing it (I still hope it is just a phase though) have brought with it two different feelings, one of sadness, emptiness, guilt, and in my situation, made my depression worse, also questions about, will I now start mocking religion? will I become an atheist that thinks religious people are fools (not all atheists think that I'm sure), but also brought feelings of liberation, excitement, curiosity, and motivation, and for someone who is gay, it made me feel much better to not worry about reconciling my religion or the attitudes of some religious folks with my marriage and homosexuality.  The problem is, I've gone through some the latter when I became an atheist years ago, but this time, the first category of feelings is much stronger because my Christian faith affected my life in ways that Islam didn't, so leaving it is very difficult. Sometimes while I'm at work or campus, I feel the urge to cry, and sometimes I feel very sad that I wonder if it is God's voice that is telling me what I'm doing is wrong and should come back. I don't want to take too much of your time already but I believe you know what I'm going through and therefore, I'm asking you, what would you advice me to do? How should I deal with the negative feelings? What do you think I should and should not do?

Peace 😊

Many of us here used to hold a religion and god belief. But time and questioning for us made that fantasy slowly become a untenable position to hold.

If you can rightfully reject claims of Vishnu, and Allah, and Yahweh and Apollo and Poseidon then you should be willing to aim that same scrutiny at your own beliefs. Unfortunately most humans simply adapt the religions of their parents long before they can develop critical thinking skills.

Now, having said that, we cannot live your life for you,  we cannot tell you which relationships to stay in or leave. I would say however, if you are living a lie about your own sexuality to keep up an image you've been conditioned to live in silence and that is not fair to you. 

Skepticism is not a negative thing. Skepticism is why women can now vote and blacks are no longer slaves. What is negative is using religion to justify telling others that it is your job to coddle their insecurities. One can be for human rights and equal rights without using religion to be a selfish bigot.

But ultimately the biggest reasons I reject ALL religions is because I know and accept the age of our universe. Just our species alone was around long before any written religion. Our planet is 4 billion years old. Our species is only about 200,000 years old. Our universe is 13.8 billion years old with an estimated 2 TRILLION galaxies in it. No, I do not think all this was put here just for me.

But the good thing is, knowing that the ride ends does not mean you have to be depressed about that. You go to a movie knowing it ends, but you still go. You go to a music concert knowing it plays a last song, but you still go. You go to a sporting event knowing that one team will win one will lose, and that ends. You get a pet dog or cat, they live for a while, they die, you mourn them, but you get another pet.

You don't need an old book of mythology to explain why good or bad happen, and you especially don't need others using their religion to tell you you are broken when you are not. 

I still have ups and downs in my life but no matter the up or down, I don't chalk good or bad to super heros or super villains. 

I hope this helps. Always feel free to talk to us here, even if you cant do that in your personal life in home right how.

[The Grand Nudger]

Welcome aboard Ray.

[Aegon]

I feel like I am not in the position of giving you specific advice since I never had such an internal conflict about Abrahamic religion; I was raised Catholic, realized none of it made any sense to me, and stopped believing in God. But something I can tell you is that you do not need Christianity or faith in God in order to be happy, fulfilled, or meditate. Atheism does not automatically mean nihilism. Hell, it's certainly possible to be an atheist (not believe in God) but still follow the philosophy of Jesus and the positive teachings that come from the New Testament. Religions and faiths are just social constructs and we've been taught that you're either this or that, Christian or Atheist, Muslim or Atheist, when in reality you can mix beliefs, you may put into practice the philosophy of faith without the faith in a higher deity. The most important love you can receive will always be from yourself, not God.

For example I try to apply Taoist teachings to my life*. I would still refer to myself as an atheist if pressured. But it has helped me through quite a bit and guides my general way of thinking, and I am much happier because of it. Mileage may vary, of course. Find out what works for you. If it ends up being Christianity, in its totality, then embrace it and make it yours.

*A paradox, actually. If you try to be Taoist you've already failed.

[The Industrial Atheist]

Welcome, Ray. When I stopped being a Christian, and I started to fall back into my old habits at first, I thought about the guilt religion put on me and how religion marginalizes people that aren't bad or evil, just different. I also thought about how it tells you so many urges and thoughts and practices that are simply normal are "sin."

I hope you enjoy our forums Ray.

[Succubus]

Hello Ray. That's an awful lot to digest, so for now I'll focus on one issue.

...especially considering my sexual orientation and marriage which no matter how many times I've tried to reconcile the both, it just always ends up a mess.

Have you considered this may be the fundamental cause of your predicament? In effect, you are living a lie and have been since you became married, or did you realise you were gay after you became married? Same thing, only the sequence of event differ. You are lieing to yourself and you are lieing to your wife, I shouldn’t have to point out how destructive this is. I suggest you concentrate on resolving this first, then work on your many other confusions.

Welcome to the forums.

[ignoramus]

Welcome matey...
The first thing I will say is to acknowledge that everything that's going on in your head, is all in your head.

Then next thing is to start culling all the negative thoughts out.
Ignore them.... There are no "real" repercussions other than those that you've imposed on yourself...
Before you know it, you're free as a bird!

Keep at it.... It gets easier day by day...