Random Humorous Things - A Light-Hearted Thread

[Haipule]

True story:

I am often a victim of mistaken identity. People often think I'm Robert Plant and say, "Zep rocks!" Or, I'm "The Dude" and want to take selfies with me. Which is kinda funny since I was once a professional bowler.

Once I was on the island of Sardinia at a sidewalk café having a sea urchin pizza and a latte with my wife. I was facing the sidewalk and my wife was facing the street. When all these chicks walked by waving and blowing me kisses and some even danced for me! It was awesome! Damn! I am sooo good looking! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!

When I returned home, I told the story of those chicks to a female colleague. She just started laughing hysterically! I said, "What's so funny?" She said, "You arrogant prick!' 'They didn't do that because they thought you are just so good looking!" 'They thought you were Richard Branson!"

[Fireball]

True story:

I am often a victim of mistaken identity. People often think I'm Robert Plant and say, "Zep rocks!" Or, I'm "The Dude" and want to take selfies with me. Which is kinda funny since I was once a professional bowler.

Once I was on the island of Sardinia at a sidewalk café having a sea urchin pizza and a latte with my wife. I was facing the sidewalk and my wife was facing the street. When all these chicks walked by waving and blowing me kisses and some even danced for me! It was awesome! Damn! I am sooo good looking! Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!

When I returned home, I told the story of those chicks to a female colleague. She just started laughing hysterically! I said, "What's so funny?" She said, "You arrogant prick!' 'They didn't do that because they thought you are just so good looking!" 'They thought you were Richard Branson!"

Does shit drip out of your ears, when you are this full?

[Fake Messiah]

[Dave B]

Oops, wrong button!

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Whilst getting a call from his dad, "You're on your own with this one, son..."

[purplepurpose]

[Haipule]

True story:

Some friends and I decided to party on the beach; make a bonfire, listen to music and drink some beers.

We constructed the bonfire with a wooden box on top and lit it.

As the fire increased, I said to my friend, Dave The Dick, "You know we could put our hand there and our foot there and clime that bonfire and stand on that box without getting burned!" He said, "Your nuts!"

So I did it.

When I climbed onto that box, the flames were coming up. And, EVERYONE on the beach crowed around us to look at the idiot on the fire.

I said to myself, "Whoa! I've got an audience!"

So I started to do a striptease to the music and eventually stripped down to my underwear with the flames growing higher and higher.

At that point I decided my stay was quickly coming to an end. So, I jumped off unto the sand.

However, everyone booed! To this day I am not sure whether they wanted me to go full monty or, burn to death!

As Jerry Seinfeld once said, "People: they're the worst!"

[vorlon13]

[downbeatplumb]

True story:

Some friends and I decided to party on the beach; make a bonfire, listen to music and drink some beers.

We constructed the bonfire with a wooden box on top and lit it.

As the fire increased, I said to my friend, Dave The Dick, "You know we could put our hand there and our foot there and clime that bonfire and stand on that box without getting burned!" He said, "Your nuts!"

So I did it.

When I climbed onto that box, the flames were coming up. And, EVERYONE on the beach crowed around us to look at the idiot on the fire.

I said to myself, "Whoa! I've got an audience!"

So I started to do a striptease to the music and eventually stripped down to my underwear with the flames growing higher and higher.

At that point I decided my stay was quickly coming to an end. So, I jumped off unto the sand.

However, everyone booed! To this day I am not sure whether they wanted me to go full monty or, burn to death!

As Jerry Seinfeld once said, "People: they're the worst!"

How did "Dave the dick " get his name. Forget the rest of the tale, that is one part of the story that grabbed my attention.

[Haipule]

True story:

Some friends and I decided to party on the beach; make a bonfire, listen to music and drink some beers.

We constructed the bonfire with a wooden box on top and lit it.

As the fire increased, I said to my friend, Dave The Dick, "You know we could put our hand there and our foot there and clime that bonfire and stand on that box without getting burned!" He said, "Your nuts!"

So I did it.

When I climbed onto that box, the flames were coming up. And, EVERYONE on the beach crowed around us to look at the idiot on the fire.

I said to myself, "Whoa! I've got an audience!"

So I started to do a striptease to the music and eventually stripped down to my underwear with the flames growing higher and higher.

At that point I decided my stay was quickly coming to an end. So, I jumped off unto the sand.

However, everyone booed! To this day I am not sure whether they wanted me to go full monty or, burn to death!

As Jerry Seinfeld once said, "People: they're the worst!"

How did "Dave the dick " get his name. Forget the rest of the tale, that is one part of the story that grabbed my attention.

Double meaning: porn star size plus he's a dick.

[Dave B]

How did "Dave the dick " get his name. Forget the rest of the tale, that is one part of the story that grabbed my attention.

Double meaning: porn star size plus he's a dick.

How do you know it's porn . .  No, forget I asked that!

Limerick time:

A certain young chap from Kent
Had a dick most awfully bent
To save hinself trouble
He put it in double
So instead of cumming he went.

And

A young Scottish chap named Menzies
Drove all the young girls into frenzies
But a virgin one night
Crossed her legs in a fright
And mangled his bifocal lenses.

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