[Serious] The Family Atheist

[tackattack]

I think seeing yourself as the black sheep, re-enforces that stereo type and encourages your family to see you as that. I would treat it like a love/hate of broccoli. Your parents love and encourage God, you tried it, and don't agree, so just ask for less broccoli in the house, when you're around. /2 cents from a theist

[Abaddon_ire]

You guys are awesome. I found my people!

All I can say is that cutting family ties is usually a bad idea. If they do it, there is not much you can do about it. If you do it, then that burden of choice is squarely yours. Ultimately, nobody involved will be happy about it. The only exception would be if someone is being particularly nasty about it and that does not seem to be the case.

Best advice I can give you is to simply just be yourself. You are still you. Your beliefs have changed, but you are, as you say, still the same person. Keep on doing that.

In time, as they grow accustomed to the new reality, the praying and worrying and hand wringing and pearl clutching will dwindle into a kind of background noise and day to day life will be as before mostly. If they really want to invest time and energy on useless prayers that, to you, is water off a ducks back. You don't have to sit through them, do you? If some family member tells you about their prayers, just say "That's nice" and move right along.

Nah, cutting family ties is definitely not on the table, for me or them. I'm really thankful for that.

I'm looking forward to the fading into background noise for sure. They don't make me sit for prayers, thank goodness - except for meal prayers when my SO and I are at their place. But yeah, I try to take the "we're praying for you" as an extension on "we love you," or as a "we're thinking of you." I know it comes from a similar place.

Weeeellllll, that is what is difficult about it. Their concern is actually genuine and sincere. They believe you are heading for an imaginary hell thanks to an imaginary god. It is all very well that you and I and most here know it is a lot of rot, but because they really believe it, they are concerned that you are consigning yourself to eternal torment. This is a positive thing, in a way. It means that they actually care about you and your welfare.

That is all well and good and indeed as it should be. My question would be does that concern extend into this world, the only one we know exists. If it does then you are solid gold. If it does not, then that is a whole other thing.

To put a texture on that, a few years ago I comprehensively shattered an ankle, Family, friends and neighbours fell over themselves to support me, I had more ready cooked meals coming in the than I could possibly eat. chaffeur service to get me to any critical meeting I had to attend and so forth. Did religion arise in any of it? No, not once. Good people are good regardless of whatever magic book. Some of those I know to be atheists, some I know to be devout christians, some I have no idea what they believe. All of them knew I was a godless heathen. None of it mattered. And I would do the same for them each and every one. And have done so.

I think you should use this as a test of character. Anyone who is willing to change how they treat you on the basis that you do not believe what they believe is at the very least, morally questionable.

As you said, you are still you. Keep doing that.

[arewethereyet]

Welcome aboard.

I was raised by parents who weren't all that interested in religion except for the concept of that's what we do and that's what's expected by those around us.

Went to Catholic schools...'cause that's what the kids of professional men did in the town where I grew up. Blue collar workers sent their kids to the public schools a couple towns away.

Once dad discovered golf he found his new religion. Men only at the country club on Sunday mornings...like he was going to miss that for mass????? Not on a bet. Mom was raised Methodist in the south but I think that being surrounded by midwestern Catholics and playing all the silly games turned her off any religion completely.
We just didn't discuss it. Oh, I was read the children's versions of Bible stories and I had to pray before bed and no meat on Fridays...but that was really about it.

Dad mentally left religion altogether in his early 40s and by the time he died he was verging on anti-religion. He finally came out and told me he was atheist. I guess he thought it wasn't something we were supposed to discuss. He was in his 70s and me in my 50s when he finally said what I already knew out loud.

Moving among religious family and friends I just try to remember to respect "their house, their rules". But I expect it to go both ways. If people can't accept that then limit contact.

I hope it gets easier for you.

As the mother of three grown kids I had to learn to accept that they aren't what I had planned them to be. They are who they are. And that's as it should be.

[Gnomey]

As you said, you are still you. Keep doing that.

I absolutely will, Abbadon! Thanks so much.

[zebo-the-fat]

Welcome, it's down hill from here into the pit of demons, but at least it will be warm and friendly

[Brian37]

In all seriousness, humans are diverse, even among family. I won't lie, I have cut off family members. Not because I wanted to, but because they sucked the life out of me. My late mother whom died in 2017 was a lifetime Catholic. I had long since left religion. But our conflicts were more along the lines of living habits and not religion. However, when I eventually met my biological family, that was different. They were/are the preverbal white anxiety pro gun, anti abortion, liberals are commies. My adoptive mother was a lifetime voting republican, but as much as we disagreed on politics and religion, she always had my back.

I think ultimately it amounts to who you are familiar with locally. I can see diverse people getting along, and it does happen. But at the same time, there are times when bad logic isn't something you can simply ignore. My late mother put her foot down with Trump. And that was a woman who voted for Reagan, Bush Sr, Bush Jr, McCain and Romney.

The good thing about my late mother is that she never forced religion on me. In my teens I stopped going to Church. I still believed at the time, but I felt I didn't need the weekly ass kissing club. It took me over 10 years to go from not going to church, to "I don't know" to " Something isn't right" to "I don't need this mythology."

But on a planet of 7 billion, it is unavoidable to deal with 7 billion diverse humans, including family and friends.

My only measure to any relationship, regardless of family friend or subject is, what you are willing to tolerate. I'd say put up with it if it isn't sucking the life out of you. But at the same time, if you are being abused or being so fearful that you have to walk on eggshells, then it isn't worth it.

[Nay_Sayer]

Welcome.

Always be true to yourself. Right now they can't reconcile how you can be the same great person you were before sans their imaginary friend.

You may need to set ground rules if you start finding things they are saying or doing distressing.

RAmen

[Abaddon_ire]

As you said, you are still you. Keep doing that.

I absolutely will, Abbadon! Thanks so much.

No problem. I and my three siblings were raised RCC and one by one just quietly dropped that whole kettle of crazy. The devout RCC parents are long dead now and we are globally distributed, but on those rare occasions when we get together, we often ponder how it is that two devout catholics gave rise to four heathen progeny. The consensus seems to be that they gave all four of us a thirst for knowledge and the means to acquire it. 

There was never any unpleasantness about it, though. They respected that their progeny simply held different beliefs, or more precisely, not any beliefs at all. The eldest was, of course, the pathfinder. She hooked up with a bloke, bought a house, moved in and all that. Then after a few years, married the guy. Pop refused to set foot in their home until after they tied the knot.

This is the subtle way that opprobrium is doled out. Easy to miss, but still there. Her response to that was simply the hell with it, I am living the life I want to live the way I want to live it. If you choose not to enter my home for religious reasons that is your problem, not mine. And she was right.

This is what the religious tend to do. Make choices and insist that YOU are somehow responsible for THEIR choice. And it is incredibly dishonest.

Now, I have no idea what your family dynamic is, how could I? But my feeling is that you get the same sort of unspoken disapproval vibe going on. It goes away eventually most of the time.

[ignoramus]

Welcome OP. You'll need to not take offence to a lot of things they say (it's the indoctrination talking). Be discretely patronizing if need be.
Well, someone needs to be the adult in the room

You are still the same good person because your morals do not come from somewhere or someone else, they come from within. (as does your parents personal god!)

[AniKoferBo]

I feel for you. It can suck being the black sheep of the family.
The great thing about atheism is, that even if the whole world disapproves, your still the sane one basing your World views on facts rather than an a book. In my eyes Religion is so illogical, that the opinion of religion people has literally zero value to me.

You are welcome here