Twilight Rant Thread

[StealthySkeptic]

StealthySkeptic's Twilight Rant

There are a few things I must confess before I go into this Twilight rant.

First of all, I never read the books beyond shamelessly stealing my sister's copy of Twilight to see what all the fuss was about. The greater part of my experience has been with the films as a result. Thank God, since my sanity barely made out of the films alive.

Second, my parents own Twilight on Blu-ray Disc, and that's how I was introduced to the films. And Twilight as a film...is...gahhh *grimaces* not entirely terrible. There, I said it! You happy now, Twihards?! I know you're out there in the dark corners of the Internet, waiting to haunt my nightmares with your fanfiction...

Look, look, before the rest of you skin me alive too, third and last...sigh...in an attempt to surprise my sister I decided to buy The Twilight Saga: Eclipse when it came out on iTunes, so that I could watch it for myself once and then show it to her, instead of having to rent it twice. But by then she'd moved on to all the Twilight clones. Oh jeez- I'll get to the rest of current young adult literature later.

In response to this shocking revelation, Losty yelled in her usual skimpy outfit, "But Stealthy! How can our resident teenage atheist ninja movie critic have been so boneheaded? Why must you break my heart?!"

And now this godawful movie sits in my collection, staring at me, demanding that I watch it again...no matter what it has to do.



DO NOT WANT!

So anyway, instead of going through as many criticisms of each of the five movies as I possibly can, I'll try to find five good things about the movies (and possibly- I can't believe I'm saying this- the book) and then five of the worst things about the movies (and especially the book). Without any further ado, I give to you...

The Top 5 Not Entirely Shitty Things About the Twilight Saga

#1: It got kids to read.

It got kids to read the long, boring, expository, whiny, mopey, delusional, self-insertion fantasies of a sexually repressed Mormon housewife. But at least they were reading at a third grade level.

#2: Dat font.

C'mon, tell me that font isn't a guilty pleasure to look at.



The HypnoFont is making you veeeery sleeeepy. When I count to three, you will fork over all your money. ALL OF IT, SHEEP.

#3: All the $$$$$$$$$ it made from the hypnotized sheep singlehandedly saved Lionsgate and Summit Entertainment.

And thereby allowed such good to awesome indie and blockbuster films as The Hunger Games, The Hurt Locker, Mud, Now You See Me, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, and Warm Bodies to exist. I suppose a teeny, tiny, begrudging thank you is in order for that, but nothing more.

#4...#4...what the hell could I come up with as the fourth thing I actually like about this series? Nope, can't find anything.

Well, that's enough of trying to be "fair" and "unbiased" about this piece of shit "saga." I guess I could pick from the top five things I hate.

*Opens a 150 page Word document listing all my complaints with all five movies*

Oh, dear, excuse me for one moment. Even with my legendary ninja reading and typing speed, sorting through these is gonna take a while.

...

Done. Revisiting all of my rage committed to page my was the worst 1.5 seconds of my life. Now, on to...

The Top 5 Oh Yeah These Are Entirely Shitty Things Why the Hell is This a Billion Dollar Phenomenon I Want My Time and Money Back You Little...

Phew. These are in order from least annoying to "Mr. President, this is such an insult to literature that we have to go to DEFCON 1" level of bad.

#1: It Brought 73,000 Tourists to Forks, Washington in 2010

Why's that a bad thing? After all, it's improving the local economy. But when you think about it, it's created an unholy flight of migratory Twihards, bringing along their sexually repressed mothers and broken and weeping fathers, emerging from their parents' basements to slowly drain the town of any taste they might have left. Those of you with brains would do best to steer clear.

#2: Conflict? What Conflict?

Do you like movies where people just stand around and talk? Do you like movies with almost nothing but standing around, lip-biting, moping, crying, and shirtlessness? Do you absolutely hate three-act structures and any kind of pacing faster than, oh, utterly aimless? Did I mention, do you LOVE shirtlessness?

Then you will love this movie series!

In all seriousness, Twilight's "plot" consists of a pathetic attempt to ape the Forbidden Love angle from Romeo and Juliet. Its oh so sad blue filters over everything, seemingly endless slow motion shots, and the book's purple prose and constant comparisons of Edward to Adonis (thankfully omitted from the movie- see, I told you Twilight the movie wasn't entirely terrible!) are also trying to desperately to be Shakespearean.

But you know why Romeo and Juliet's story worked when Twilight's imitation crab meat of a story falls flat? In Romeo and Juliet, there's actual stakes beyond the two lovers, an engaging plot, dialogue that not only doesn't sound like it's been written by an alien, but has stood the test of time, and awesome swordfighting. But it all comes together because of the, you know, CONFLICT, both within Romeo and Juliet themselves that shaped the world around them and between the Capulets and the Montagues that lent dramatic weight to their choices. In fact, it's a storyline that's worked ever since Pyramus and Thisbe in Ovid's Metamorphoses (which Shakespeare shamelessly adapted from) because there's always something happening that adds meat to the story while creating leads that are engaging.

That's not to say that all romances have to have external conflict. Plenty of stories only have internal conflict and pull it off. Thus, I can understand to some extent why the main focus in the first Twilight is on the internal conflict within Bella about whether to pursue a relationship with Edward or not. After all, that is what fans appear to identify as the strongest part of the series for them, and the will they/won't they trope drives a lot of the success of many movies and television shows with romantic angles.

But Twilight also tries to have a series of cardboard antagonists including the Volturi who never really are a threat, conflict between vampires and werewolves goes nowhere, the human world never really notices what's going on (a big pet peeve of mine in modern YA fantasies but whatever), no vampire hunters stake some sparkly ass, and little to nothing of substance happens outside the main (boring) romantic plotline. If you're going to have external as well as internal conflict, fine, but at least do it well! Here, there's really no tension outside the lovers' arc that would lend gravitas to the romance and the internal tension in the relationship is always manufactured by external plot conveniences.



Crikey, here we glimpse the rare Homo jacobus with clothing on and the parasitic MarySue attached to his underbelly, draining any interesting character from him.

#3: The Stake in Vampire Fiction's Heart

You want to make vampires not have to count poppy seeds, immune to holy water, impervious to crosses, able to know how much sunscreen to use, etc.? It's absolutely within your prerogative as an author. Removing some of the traditional weaknesses from vampires, werewolves, etc. in order to reinterpret the mythology of these beasts for your own purposes is something that can be engaging and make for interesting storytelling.

Here, though, Stephenie Meyer and the filmmakers by extension think that by taking as many weaknesses out of vampires as they can they're somehow being "edgy." As I said before in my post on Mary Sues in fiction, when you have any characters, any strengths they have or gain must be balanced out by weaknesses. I'll address these with regards to the characters in a moment, but first I'll get to the mechanics of being a vampire.

OK, so say you're an unfortunate idiot in 17th century Transylvania who delivers Dracula's order to his place, only to find out that your blood is what's for dinner. Well, sorry about that nasty bite. But don't worry, you gain immortality, godly sex appeal, ability to have sex all you want, super speed, super strength, super baseball playing ability, the ability to abstain from human blood by feeding exclusively on animals, and the ability to magically confound police investigators through the power of plot holes. Plus you can eat all the garlic knots you want with your pizza.

The only downsides? You can only be killed by beheading (that is, if your enemies can catch up to you), and you sparkle in the sunlight, and might die from embarrassment if caught undead like that- but hey, it beats being cooked like an egg on a sidewalk by the Sun. Oh, and people will probably never write stories about vampires again without them being compared to Twilight for decades by brainless tweens, thus leading to the possibility of killing off a legendary genre of horror with multiple great works of literature from Dracula to Carmilla that's been around for centuries.

Wait a minute, that seems like a sweet deal, actually! Then I could be a teenage VAMPIRE ninja atheist movie critic. Sign me up for the next vampire blood drive! I can't wait to join the League of Marty Stus.



On the eighth day, God created sparkling vampires. Then he said, "Fuck this shit, peace out homies" and disappeared in a puff of idiocy.

#4: Oh Likable Protagonists, Where Art Thou?

There are something like dozens of "characters" in Twilight, if you can call these paper mâché dolls that, most of whom I forgot about after I was done with putting myself through the torture of watching the entire movie series legally or by crook. I will instead refer to the two "main" characters, who seared themselves into my mind, and not for the right reasons.

Edward is, as you probably have guessed by now even if you've never touched one of Twilight's unholy pages or discs for yourself, the ultimate Marty Stu. In fact, Marty Stu can now retire to a perfect beach somewhere where he can live out his snore-inducing perfection of a life and have his name replaced in The Dictionary of Fucking Stupid Literary Cliches by Edward Cullen.

Bella Swan nearly instantly falls in love with him, he's a brooding loner with EMOOOOTIONS, he's never criticized for his stalking and abusive behavior towards a vulnerable and insecure woman he claims to love, and he always gets what he wants in the end. I could go on for dozens and dozens of posts, citing specific plot points from the movies and the books to prove that lines on paper are more three dimensional than Edward, but why bother? We all know he's just there as walking fanservice anyhow, so nobody who likes the films or books really gives a shit about his characterization. Might as well have given the little turd a lightsaber so he could have slain all of his foes in five seconds and end this nightmare.



Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis Adonis. Did I mention he's soooo perfectly dreamy?

Edward describes Bella Swan perfectly when he states that he can't read her mind. Obviously the reason why is because she's an airhead. I know what you're thinking- she's obviously a Mary Sue, right? Well...you're partially right. Actually, according to the great time sink of the Internet (aka TV Tropes) she's an Anti-Sue. To spare you from wasting all your free time there, what I mean is that she's a Mary Sue whose fault is not that she's too perfect, but that she's too imperfect.

She's shy, she bites her lip, she's clumsy, she's introverted, she's needy and codependent on Edward for...reasons, she's whiny, she's a wannabe emo, did I mention she nearly fucking kills herself to hallucinate Edward (spoilers, not like you give a shit), she's the worst kind of damsel in distress...ugh. I could go on and on and on, again using specific plot points from the movies. But again, it doesn't fucking matter because she's an empty pot girls dangerously put themselves into, making it feel OK to have an evil, controlling boyfriend as long as he's hot.

The other problem with Bella throughout the series, of course, is that nothing is ever positive about Bella to counterbalance her horribleness, and nothing sets her apart or makes her interesting. Four books, five movies, and billions of dollars later, the only thing that ever changes about Bella is which of the two men in her life, Edward or Jacob, she's manipulating for her own selfish needs. Then the only thing that ends up developing her at the very end is that she becomes a regular Mary Sue after she gets turned into a vampire by Edward in Breaking Dawn when her half-vampire baby breaks her motherfucking spine, by becoming the perfect, speshulest vampire who can control her powers and bloodlust quicker than anyone and has the ability to use a motherfucking SHIELD.



Insert strong, complex female character with actual personality here.

Somebody just let me commit seppuku in peace for a moment.

#5: Why Jacob, WHY?!?!

On the other hand, for the majority of the series the only character that had anywhere near anything good going for him from a characterization standpoint was Jacob Black, the Native American and Half-Naked American werewolf who competed with Edward Cullen for Bella's attention even though we all knew that he was going to lose from the word go because Stephenie Meyer has not a single bone of originality in her body. Yet I stuck it out through the movies to see if they would at least get him right.

In my opinion, he could have done better. He was kind to his family, fiercely loyal, had a good head on his shoulders, and actually looked like he wasn't wasting away unlike Edward. ONCE AGAIN, I could go on and on, with specific plot points from the movies and books, but we all know he's just the third wheel character. All of his energy was wasted on a girl who not only wanted someone else for the majority of the books and was leading him on like the Mary Sue she is, but was not even worth it to begin with.

Well, that and he (massive spoilers) also becomes the pedophile character in Breaking Dawn. Turns out that in an effort to appease Team Jacob Stephenie Meyer decided to up the creepy by 1000% by having Jacob "imprint" (automatically become romantically attracted to through the power of bullshit) on Bella and Edward's infant daughter Renesmee and eventually marries her. Do I even have to explain why this is not only a completely batshit insane plot development that ruins the only character with even an ounce of real development, but why it's probably the most disgusting thing ever put to page or screen? Or are American teenagers really that dumb that they'll eat up whatever is served to them by their Hollywood masters regardless of how moronic it is?!



Just...I...BARF!

*****

Oh, PS, after doing some more thinking, I finally found one last thing I like about The Twilight Saga! Hooray?

#4 & #5: It's Miles Better Than the Eragon Series



Above: My reaction after reading Eragon.

Eragon: Stealing from Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter and shitting on their corpses since Christopher Paolini, a talentless, pretentious, hormonal hack got a publishing contract for Christmas from his parents and laughed at all the good unpublished writers rejected by editors as he passed by.

Got any rants of your own to share? I'd love to hear them!

[Fidel_Castronaut]

Vampire Baby.

Also, fucking vampires that just shine really bright when the sun hits them instead of setting on fire and dying horribly?

Honestly, part of the interesting thing about vampire mythology is the awesome power juxtaposed against the really awful negatives that being a vampire entails (awesome: Generally super strong and fast, can live forever [note; not necessarily a good thing] - Negative: sunlight kills, piece of wood through the heart kills you, mumbo jumbo water kills you, other vampires who are stronger can kill you, constant need for blood and so on).

But in Twilight there's seemingly no drawbacks. You can run around in daylight and seemingly do whatever you want. EDWARD EVEN GOES ON FUCKING HOLIDAY WITH BELLA FFS! I mean wtf?

Note I've never read the books and only watched the films because they were on TV. I am not a twilight hater or a twilight fan. But the films just come across as teenage angst mixed with vampires. Which is fine I guess because that's what the books are aimed at . But that's still not an excuse for shoddy story lines and plot devices, which I think the twilight films had in droves. Sitting there listening to placebo or Muse whilst kristen stewart and her grumpy fucking face looks out a window for 3 hours did nothing for me, unfortunately. And usually I wouldn't mind but that was (seemingly) the ENTIRE MOVIE (at least the first one) .

[StealthySkeptic]

Yes! Vampire Baby. Ughhhh...

[Zack]

I shamefully read the series to see what the fuss was about too. When I bought it, all I could think was, "Please don't let anyone see me purchasing this." The girl at the register told me it was a great book. I just replied, "It's for my niece." I don't even have a niece. The series was soooo "deep" it took me a week to read. I can't agree with your review more. The best thing going for it was the font. Easy to read in bed without the glasses on. Their size was a plus now that I think about it. They make a good base for my African Violets to sit upon in order to the reach light coming from the window.

[StealthySkeptic]

I shamefully read the series to see what the fuss was about too. When I bought it, all I could think was, "Please don't let anyone see me purchasing this." The girl at the register told me it was a great book. I just replied, "It's for my niece." I don't even have a niece. The series was soooo "deep" it took me a week to read. I can't agree with your review more. The best thing going for it was the font. Easy to read in bed without the glasses on. Their size was a plus now that I think about it. They make a good base for my African Violets to sit upon in order to the reach light coming form the window.

I think we use the hardcover books and their dust jackets as drink coasters now. So that's a good use for them.

[Clueless Morgan]

GAH!!!!! YOU STARED A TWILIGHT RAGE THREAD!!! NOW I MUST RAGE!!!

Confession: I have listened to all the audiobooks (curses be upon my sister) and seen all the movies (curses be upon my mother) so I know what I'm talking about.

Following SS's format, I shall attempt to list 5 not so awful things about the series and then 5 of my biggest peeves regarding the series, but first I must state my disagreement with SS:

#1: It got kids to read.

No. Harry Potter got kids to read. Twilight merely kept them occupied until all the HP movies were done and the Hunger Games was released.

Twilight wouldn't have had a leg to stand on without the fanbase of Harry Potter that primed the world for stories of reimagined cliches and catered to a similar audience.


The Top 5 Not Entirely Shitty Things About the Twilight Saga

#1: The idea of the book is actually not a bad one.

What would happen if a human and a vampire legitimately fell in love? Too bad the entire premise of these books immediately loses all jeopardy when it turns out that Edward has the self-control of a saint (or a Greek god...)

#2: ...

#3: ...

Um... yeah, I think #1 is it.

The Top 5 Shittiest Things About the Twilight Saga

In no particular order.

No one but Bella is responsible for her shitty life.

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Bella’s mother should never have been included in this series. She serves no purpose whatsoever. This would have given Bella a more believable reason to be sullen and withdrawn than simply, “I hate the rain.” If she had been excluded from the series, then Esme could have had a useful role as being a sort of surrogate mother for Bella, to replace the one she lost.

As it is, though, Bella's mother lived, got married to a baseball player and Bella decides to exile herself to a place she detests. I really detest Bella's imposed self-pity for this reason. "I moved to a place I hate so that my mother could be happy with the man she married therefore I have every right to be a boring, sullen brat and hate my life." Get over yourself, Bella. You didn't have to make that choice.

Which is why killing Bella's mother off would have been a FAR BETTER CHOICE for Meyers. It would have given Bella a legitimate reason to move to Forks that might actually make her a sympathetic character, it would have given her a reason to be sullen and withdrawn from all the people who inexplicably want to be her friends, given her a reason to reject offers of going to beach parties or whatever, and wouldn't have made her into such a bitch.

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Bella and Edward have ZERO reasons to fall in love.

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Task number one in a rewrite would be to give the main characters a plausible reason to fall in love with each other.

What makes no sense about Twilight and the reason the rest of the books fail so miserably to me: why are Edward and Bella attracted to each other in the first place? : For no reason at all. He sees her as a tasty snack, she sees him as a bonze-haired Roman god-boy. That does not a basis for a relationship make.

If Bella had gone to Forks and been rejected by her schoolmates, it would have made more sense for her to be attracted to an equally isolated Edward (who should have been some kid living in the woods, rather than Mr Too Cool For School). But Meyer chose to make Bella unrealistically popular and fascinating to the Forks student body, for no credible reason. It's not much of a reason for them to be attracted to each other, but it's better than the superficiality of the relationship as presented in the books.

They don't ever talk about anything other than how much they love each other or why one or the other doesn't need to be worried about Jacob lurking outside Bella's window - that is, when Edward isn't the one out there. They don't share any common interests aside from their attraction to each other. Bella isn't interested in anything, and neither is Edward (so I guess they do have something in common).

In this respect, while I maintain that there is no healthy relationship present in any of these books, the one approaching that ideal is Bella and Jacob. They actually talk about stuff. They actually do things together that friends (let alone lovers) would do. If (and this is a big, wishful thinking if) the beginning of New Moon had really been the end of Bella and Edward and Bella hadn't've turned into a mopey little shit, she and Jacob could plausibly have developed a good relationship.

OR

Meyers could always have, you know, given Bella and Edward something in common. She could have made Bella into someone who loves classic literature and who appreciates history, someone who one might describe as "and old soul" and thus make her attraction to a guy who died in 1918 make a little bit of sense. That would also mean that Bella and Edward could at least talk about their shared interests circa the turn of the century and how the culture was so much less depraved than it is now...

SOMETHING.

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Noooooooooothiiiiiinnnnnnnng haaaaaaaaapppeeeeeeeennsssss.......

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Generally speaking, when you're writing a novel you want to include some kind of conflict early in the story that will sustain the plot through the end of the book.

So...

Where is that conflict in Twilight?

What I find most disappointing about Twilight (the first book, not the whole series) is that there's no purpose to the narrative until two thirds of the way through the book. The first two thirds are spent clumsily portraying Edward and Bella "falling in love" with no real plot to be found. Only when they go out to play baseball during the storm is a plot introduced which is bad, bad writing IMO. The story question that drives the plot becomes "Will the new vampires kill Bella?" which is answered in the climax of the book - up until the baseball game there is no story question.

The whole Cullen introduction and baseball game thing should have happened in, like, the second or third chapter. All of the "falling in love" stuff, the endless "questions" game and the explanation for Edward's inexplicable interest in her could have happened after Bella's life is put in danger. At least then Edward wouldn't come off as such a worry wart and control freak because he would, to the reader, have valid reasons for fearing for Bella's life - because she would actually be in mortal danger throughout the book. It would also provide a more plausible reason for some of Bella's friends to want to hang out with her - she's got the inside scoop on the Cullens and Jessica might think she could get Bella to spill the beans on them. This stuff on top of killing off Bella's mother as previously suggested might have make for an interesting book.

The hard part about that rewrite would be figuring out a reason Edward would invite Bella to a baseball game with his family in the first place, especially since, at this point in time, Bella would probably need to not know Edward is a vampire and the baseball scene is all about throwing their superhuman abilities in each others' faces.

And in the rest of the series there is little to no actual conflict. Renesmee doesn't kill Bella at birth, the Volturi don't kill anyone who counts, and especially not the Cullens, Bella never has any problems with uncontrollably blood lust after her transition, Bella's mother is completely fine with her daughter marrying right out of school, her father is okay with his son-in-law being a vampire...no conflict, no one has a problem with Bella's teenaged pregnancy. Even the whole choice of becoming a vampire is neutered. There's no downside to being a vampire and no upside to remaining human. By becoming a vampire, Bella loses nothing and gains everything.

So... let's reiterate:

Twilight - Bella and Edward immediately fall in love no reason other than the way he looks and she smells. She's almost universally accepted by virtually everyone 1- at school, with the exception of Lauren who's is irrelevant to anything in the series in any case, and 2- by the Cullen family, aside from Rosalie, who eventually becomes her devoted protector anyway. The only threat comes from James, who logically should not be a threat, since he's one vampire pursuing someone protected by an entire family of vampires, who easily kill him. Edward constantly tells Bella that he's dangerous, but she doesn't mind and he never bites her.

New Moon - The supposedly romantic lead brutally dumps Bella, for reasons that are bewilderingly stupid. This leads to the Jacob storyline where our female lead and supposed heroine uses him as little more than a nicotine patch after her cigarettes have been denied to her. There's never any doubt that she will eventually pick Edward, so the supposed "love triangle" drama never gets off the ground. Laurent poses a threat to Bella, which makes no sense, even with the internal logic of the Twilight universe, and then he's easily killed. A comical misunderstanding leads to the conveniently wealthy Cullens being able to take Bella to Italy, where the supposed main antagonists, the Volturi, present Bella with the oh-so-threatening choice of death (which we know will not happen), or being a vampire (which she wants anyway). It's like the villain of a story giving the hero a choice of death, or to eat chocolate, get a foot massage, and watch their favorite TV show.





Eclipse - The entire book builds up to a war which is easily won by the "good guys". Victoria, the character who is supposedly a great danger to Bella (and who's revenge plot is based on nothing rational) is easily killed.

Breaking Dawn - Bella has a perfect child and becomes the greatest ever vampire that ever has ever lived (ever!) and also has the power to create shields, and thus ends any possibility of drama because she is now the SuperMarySue. Her comically inept father is oblivious to this. The Volturi arrive and....then leave.

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The only person not 100% enamored with Bella is cut from the movies:

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Lauren.

Nuf said.

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Booooooring characters

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The most interesting character in the entire series to me is Jasper because he does seem to struggle with his choice to be a :cough: vegetarian and he does think it's natural for vampires to kill humans. So his struggle is foisted on him by an outside force - Alice - and his personal choice to be with her. I wish the story would have focused on Jasper because he seems to be where the real story is. What if Jasper, who believed it right for a vampire to kill humans, fell in love with a human? That would be an interesting story. Not Edward and Bella.

I think the only character that gets anything akin to "growth" is Jacob. He begins the series as a kind of goofy 15-year-old kid with a big time crush on Bella and during the course of the books ends up become a werewolf, overcoming major jealousy and becoming, literally, the leader of the pack. That's why I like Jacob the best out of all the characters, even with his pedophilic creeperness and his own control issues where Bella is concerned.

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You call that a sex scene?!?!?

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The entire books are about how mind-numbingly and unhealthily obsessed Bella and Edward are for each other. Hundreds of pages are wasted away with Bella giving Edward goo-goo eyes and contemplating the rosy smell of his shits. So, YAY!!! They're finally gonna fuck! This is what the entire series has led up to! You waded through three previous books of teenage angst over how attractive you look to your vampire boyfriend while you're drooling on your pillow asleep, happily fantasized about grinding on him because he can't read your mind and doesn't know that's what you're thinking about, and he finally conned you into marrying him because he's apparently "old fashioned" and doesn't have a single hormone in his body, and now you're gonna do it--

W-wait.

What happened?

Where was the fucking?

So.... the one scene most looked forward to in the entire series is the one scene that's entirely skipped over?!?! We get, what? Some chaste making out, Edward sweeps her up into his arms, carries her to bed and then Meyers only gives us the aftermath!?!?!? WTF!?!?!?!? In a novel featuring attempted sexual assault, murder and the abuse of women, it seems odd that a sex scene between the two lead characters on their honeymoon is excluded, particularly since the entire novel series is based on the supposed passion and epic love between them.

And this happens REPEATEDLY!!!!!!!

I totally get why sexually frustrated soccer moms would turn to 50 Shades of Grey after this bullshit.

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WTF was up with that ending?

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So you've slogged your way through almost 4 books of utter, mind-numbing bullshit and FINALLY something is going to happen.

Or not.

WTF?? So the Volturi are pissed that Edward is going to make Bella a vampire, and that he's repeatedly thwarted their attempts to lull them into their coven, and so when they hear that Bella has given birth to a demon baby they're going to go to Forks and kill it. Aiight. I'm down with that. At least something interesting is happening.

Until, that is, Nothing. Interesting. Happens.

The Volturi come. The Cullens are stupidly outnumbered about a zillion to 20. They're gonna get creamed, but something awesome is going to happen and Bella and Edward and their little shit will prance off, all sparkly, into the sunset...

What actually happens? They stand around and talk.

BULLSHIT.

I didn't know it was possible to be more disappointed in these books than I already was.

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Next to nothing in these books is original

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Edward was a poorly written, less sympathetic Louis from Interview with a Vampire and the first time I read (*ahem* listened to) the books that's all I could think. "Edward is a crummy version of Louis." And, later, "Renesme is a crummy version of Claudia." The various "bad vampires" take turns as the Lestat figure, including all of the Cullens once Bella becomes a vampire herself, and the Volturi represent Armand and his coven. Edward may as well have turned to Bella and said, "I'm going to give you the choice i never had."

Been there, done that. Just read Interview with a Vampire, it's a far better book.

It also greatly bothers me that Meyers quotes passages of famous books in order to explain why Bella and Edward love each other. "Why do I love you Bella? Well, as Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights on page 274 of the 1992 US paperback edition says, ________." This is lazy writing. It's okay if she uses a famous story as an outline for her book, as she kind of does equating Jacob to Paris in Romeo and Juliette, but to simply lift whole passages from other books and put them in hers is... lazy. There's no other way to say it.

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Do vampires even have sperm?

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How the fuck did Bella even get pregnant? If Edward's body can manufacture sperm, then why can't a female vampire become pregnant? If Edward has sperm then female vampires would have eggs and there's no plausible reason why they couldn't procreate; even if it's a "perfect vampires can't be marred by imperfect pregnancies!" thing, just make the pregnancies perfect!

Which brings me to another disturbing aspect of these books:

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Women in the Twilight series

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Bella’s mother is an airhead. Bella has to be a mother to her parents. Bella assumes stereotypical housewife behaviors and does all the cooking and cleaning, in addition to holding a job and doing all her schoolwork. Bella has no interests outside of her boyfriend until she has a demon baby, then she has no interests outside her warped little family. Esme tried to kill herself after losing a baby. Rosalie’s life revolves around her desire for a baby. Leah’s transformation into a werewolf comes at the cost of her fertility. Emily is a mother figure to the wolf boys even after her werewolf boyfriend ripped off half her face when he was angry, behavior which, of course, Emily forgives, because in the Twilight all abusive behavior from men is overlooked and forgiven by their female victims.

I wonder how much of the portrayal of women in this series has to do with the Mormon overtones of the books. The men can father children with mere mortals (Vampires and werewolve), but the women can't even get pregnant by their super hot vampire stud muffins and women who become werewolves become sterile, but the men don't.

When confronted with accusations that Twilight is anti-feminist Meyer defends herself by saying that some feminists scorn women who make the decision to be mothers and wives, which she says is Bella's choice. But Bella doesn't choose to be a mother; she has no clue that pregnancy could be a possibility by having a relationship with a vampire. Her decision to have the child, is also not really based on ambitions of motherhood, which she never expresses in the novels before the pregnancy occurs, but rather a desire to elevate Edward (or in this case, his offspring) to sacred status. When Edward comes up with the plan to remove the demon spawn and let Jacob father a child with Bella instead, Bella makes it very clear that merely having a child isn't the point, but having Edward's child specifically. She is not enamored with motherhood, it's all merely part of the further worship of Twilight's male Mary Sue. Additionally, as far as marriage is concerned Bella doesn't show any indication of marital ambitions until she is practically blackmailed into a wedding as part of Edward's price for turning her into a vampire. Again, no "choice" is made. It's coercion, and since the coercion is being instigated by the male Mary Sue, the lead female character submits.

Meyers clumsily tries to defend her books and say imply that they are pro-feminist but Bella doesn't make any positive or "pro-feminist" choices. She is blinding following after Edward and being completely servile to him. She chooses marriage not because she wants to be married at the age of 18 but because it's the only way she can keep Edward and get what she wants from him: to be with him forever as a vampire. She chooses to have the baby not because she has always wanted to be a mother but because it is the spawn of Edward, her Adonis, her Greek god. She didn't choose to keep the baby because she thought abortion was wrong, she kept it because it was Edward's.

The Twilight Series is not feminist. It is Bella's choice but she is not making those choices from a place of being informed. She didn't have to time to come to terms with her pregnancy before she decided that she did or didn't want to keep the baby, she realized it was Edwards and immediately decided she had to have it.

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The Twilight books as terrible examples for teenage girls

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Meyers is basically subverting Bella and having her life be decided by which boyfriend is the bigger asshole. I like Jacob more as a character than Edward, he has more redeeming qualities and is more believably likable and more believably flawed than Edward is, but they both have serious control and abuse issues. So long as Edward is around Bella would be in an abusive, controlling relationship, either with Edward who won’t allow her to see Jacob or with Jacob who won’t allow her to see Edward.

In addition, Bella is made out to be a servile Stepford wife, only sallow skinned and sulky. Not a very good character to have carry a book whose target audience is teenaged girls.

I think that Edward is a terrible leading man character to present to the target demographic forthese books: middle school and high-school age girls. I'd venture to say that 80-90% of kids at that young an age wouldn't recognize the dangers, flaws or drawbacks in Edward's (or Jacob's) behavior toward Bella because they have virtually no experience with romantic relationships.

What baffles me is that grown women read these books and find Edward (and, again, Jacob's) behavior towards Bella acceptable - and not only acceptable but desirable. That scares me.

Maybe I'm just cynical, or a pessimist or am too independently minded but I never found Edward desirable as prospective boyfriend or husband and while I do think that I may have had a different impression of the books had I read them when I was younger (I read them in my mid-twenties), I know from experience with other clingy, needy, dictatorial or domineering "romantic leading man" type fictional characters that I still might have had an issue with Edward (see Wolf from the mini series The 10th Kingdom for a start; a sweet, funny, charming character but at age 15 I knew for a fact that I could never deal with a guy as clingy and single-mindedly obsessed about his mate as Wolf was.)

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Eeeehm... plot hole??

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Why don't animals turn into vampires? Presumably when the Cullens bite a mountain lion, they inject venom into their bloodstream. So why aren't there vampire lions? If Meyer is able to use garbled gibberish pseudo-scientific bullshit to explain how a 100 year old vampire can father a child with an 18 year old human, and why female vamps and werewolves cannot bear children, despite male vamps and werewolves being fully capable, then I demand answers.

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The Cullens a a bunch of hypocrites

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Meyer makes it very clear that the visiting vampires hunt people. Bella is so wary of the danger they pose to human beings that she will not allow her human father to visit the Cullen home while the vamp-visitors are staying there. The only compromise they offer the Cullens is that they won’t hunt anyone in the state of Washington (since it would attract unwanted attention from law enforcement and the werewolves, who regard human-hunting as an act of war). So basically the Cullens are willing to sacrifice countless human lives in order to defend ONE demon baby. Which makes the entire Cullen clan and Bella complete hypocrites. They may as well go back to hunting humans themselves if they are condoning their vampire friends’ hunting habits.

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Edward is a hypocrite

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The greatest danger posed to Bella is from Edward. He constantly uses predator/prey analogies when talking about them being together and much of the "plot" is based on his fear of injuring her in some form or another. She'd have been much safer had he turned her into a vampire immediately after meeting her, or staying away from her entirely since all the jeopardy she is placed in (from Victoria, from James, from Laurent, from the Volturi etc...) comes about entirely due to her relationship with Edward.

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Ooops, I think that was more than 5 things...

[StealthySkeptic]

No. Harry Potter got kids to read. Twilight merely kept them occupied until all the HP movies were done and the Hunger Games was released.

Twilight wouldn't have had a leg to stand on without the fanbase of Harry Potter that primed the world for stories of reimagined cliches and catered to a similar audience.

My thoughts exactly, even as I wrote my sarcastic positives.

I like your rant for more detailed plot complaints that I'd forgotten about years ago, as well as a thorough roasting of the books. Glad you liked mine as well, Clueless Morgan!

[StealthySkeptic]

Oh and that definitely was more than five things. Do I care? No.

[downbeatplumb]

The Bella character was just a whinney immature girl who thought the world revolved around her, and for some reason it did.
My wife loves these films so I have been forced to endure all of them. They are awful and BOOORRRING.

[CindysRain]

Wow, just wow! What a colorful thread you started here. Honestly, you don't see this much passion, font and color change in some of the more popular - heated threads.

I bought my daughter the first Twilight book, back before all the hoopla began. Edward and Bella is all I heard about for the better part of 4 years.

After much begging, she talked me into reading them. I actually wound up liking them. The last book in the series - Breaking Dawn was my favorite, same with the movie.

Yea, I know everyone loves to poke fun at the whole Twilight phenomenon, and guess what? I don't give a shit. I like what I like and do not need anyone's approval.

And I promise you that Twilight's author Stephanie Meyer, doesn't give a shit either. She's laughing all the way to the bank.