Can I just say, and I'm just being honest...

[Crossless2.0]

CIJS, clarity can be a bitch, and I know you aren't on the same page as me right now. But you have to understand -- really get it in your head -- that from now on there will be predictable consequences when you decide to party in my presence and then snipe and claw at me like you always did when we were using together. I'm done with that. If I can't get peace in my own home (on fucking Thanksgiving, no less), then I will leave and get some peace elsewhere. Sleeping in my office tonight is not something I want to do, but I am exhausted and need rest. Or did you miss that part where I only got five hours sleep in a sixty hour period because I was working insane hours and attending my group meetings? You know, doing what I'm supposed to do to improve our lives, just as you said you wanted. You might have missed it, since you were high much of the time. But facts are facts. And I can only do so much.

I don't like this either, and I'm not trying to punish you or make you feel guilty. I'm not going to turn into one of those newly clean, self-righteous NA boosters who are such hot house flowers that their recovery and its process becomes something like a new addiction and a pain in the ass to everyone around them. I'm not that fragile or needy. But this is serious shit, and I'm trying to turn the corner. You don't get to tell me that you are supportive of my efforts even as you actively undermine them.

I love you, but this can't go on.

[robvalue]

CIJS: You might pull a couple of passes out your ass, but that doesn't mean you know how to play this game.

[Mystical]

Can I Just Say And I'm Just Being Honest--

 It's hard to define what my O.C.D. is like for me. But I guess this post is a very very watered-down version of what it's like inside my head all the time. VERY watered down. I doubt anyone would ever want to read a more intense version

[Edwardo Piet]

Haha.... I kind of already did it in the adult section of the forum and no one responded to my thread

[Edwardo Piet]

Ni night all.

[Thumpalumpacus]

I need to just stop analysing it now, that is the key. Allow it to drift off.

Thanks again

For years I had many compulsions that gave me analysis paralysis and stopped me from enjoying my life.

[...]

Us humans are indeed irrational beings.

Regarding analysis, I wrote this in my book about my childhood: "[...] and in a way that's why I'm writing this book: I'm analyzing how I don't seem completely analytical."

It's entirely possible to crawl up inside one's ass trying to figure out why we do this or that. But as Emmie points out, there's a value-added reward for simply saying "fuck it" and going for broke. I spent a hell of a lot of years trying to figure out why I was doing this or that, but in the end I recognized (and still do recognize) the wisdom in these lyrics from the Sabs:

There's no need to have a reason.
There's no need to wonder why.
It's a part of me that tells you,
don't you ever, ever say die.

Get on with the day and Devil take the hindmost.

[Thumpalumpacus]

CIJS, clarity can be a bitch, and I know you aren't on the same page as me right now. But you have to understand -- really get it in your head -- that from now on there will be predictable consequences when you decide to party in my presence and then snipe and claw at me like you always did when we were using together. I'm done with that. If I can't get peace in my own home (on fucking Thanksgiving, no less), then I will leave and get some peace elsewhere. Sleeping in my office tonight is not something I want to do, but I am exhausted and need rest. Or did you miss that part where I only got five hours sleep in a sixty hour period because I was working insane hours and attending my group meetings? You know, doing what I'm supposed to do to improve our lives, just as you said you wanted. You might have missed it, since you were high much of the time. But facts are facts. And I can only do so much.

I don't like this either, and I'm not trying to punish you or make you feel guilty. I'm not going to turn into one of those newly clean, self-righteous NA boosters who are such hot house flowers that their recovery and its process becomes something like a new addiction and a pain in the ass to everyone around them. I'm not that fragile or needy. But this is serious shit, and I'm trying to turn the corner. You don't get to tell me that you are supportive of my efforts even as you actively undermine them.

I love you, but this can't go on.

Honesty's a bitch, brotha. Don't stop laying it down.

[Joods]

CIJS

I hate back pain.

[Mystical]

CIJS

I am proud of Crossless for standing up for himself? He's facing quite an impossible task and seems to be all on his own in it! Kudos brother!

[Joods]

CIJS

This was real. It was real to me and it still is. If I have to beg you to do what you should already be doing, then I might as well just say fuck the goddammed pain and get it done myself.

And yes, the next 48 hours will determine how I move on from here.