The "I have a confession thread"

[Reforged]

So... I think I have a problem.
My ex left me about a week ago. Love of my life etc etc. Long cliched story, would bore you to tears.

Anyway, she said alot of stuff. Some of it fair, alot of it not. But one thing she said resonated and that was that I "changed" constantly. I know I'm prone to the occasional mood swing but the way she framed it was like I was schitzo or something. But I reflect and maybe she has a point. Like just now I went from being calm and collected to completely irrational and angry. Now I feel uncertain and disorientated. I haven't slept properly in a while. Maybe its just the result of this past week or maybe its something wrong with me. I don't think anyone who knew me could really dispute that I'm a nice person but... maybe I do have a problem. I don't know.
Theres alot of shit thats grated on me for years. Maybe its affected me and I just don't see it. She kept saying I was manipulative but all I really cared about was making her happy. I thought. But maybe shes right. Maybe I am manipulative and I'm just too fucked to see it. I read what I just typed and... I can kind of see it. Justifications after every shortcoming without fail, all of it framed like I'm a victim. Am I typing it that way because its true or because its what I want to be true? I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm so sorry

Have you thought about seeing a professional, if for nothing else than some tools to help with your mood fluctuations?

I've thought about it. I did see a counselor for some years but he was just useless. A psycho-therapist would cost me a ton to go private with and if I did it on the NHS I would kiss any slim chance of getting a job in science or medicine goodbye. People like mad scientists in fiction, not in practice.

I did get close to taking the NHS option. I went to see someone, he interviewed me, gave me a book full of side effects and told me to read them outloud. Then he gave me the prescription and said "If you think its worth it use that prescription, if you don't then tear it up." Like a genius I took option two. I didn't make another appointment because of the pep talk he gave me that on later reflection was probably torn straight out of an 80s film. 
At the moment I'm trying to learn from people I consider to be mentally healthy, intelligent and happy. Studying their habits, their outlook, experiences, hobbies. See if I can distill the secret to happiness from that. I'm aware of how bizarre that is even as I type it but at the end of the day I am a shell. If I can be a more pleasing shell perhaps I'll be something more someday. Fake it till its real or until you can't tell its fake anymore... but isn't that the current problem? Maybe this is just the shell showing cracks and this is the real me coming out. If so, I don't much like the real me and I'm not sure how to deal with him.
I have thought about this every which way. All I can do is keep trying to change for the better.

EDIT: And again, I read this and I'm not sure if I'm being manipulative or not. I honestly can't tell. I spent about ten minutes typing it carefully with obsessive care as usual. Did I edit out the more honest parts that would make me look like an ass? How do you tell something like that?