Opening up about being mentally ill

[robvalue]

Thump: that is wonderful, that makes me very happy to hear that I'm really glad it has helped!

Empress: I do understand, totally. It is a bit hard to explain, especially the last point. For me, it's not about pretending to be positive. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I try to pick out the parts of me I like the most, the parts of my brain which are saying good things, and move them to the foreground. Of course I don't expect that this will just magically work for anyone, and it had only a little effect for many years.

I don't at all advocate pretending to be something you're not, or to "put a brave face on". If you're feeling like shit, I think it's best to be honest about it and say so, where appropriate. This is where I get the confused remarks from people. I tell them how hard my life is, how depressed I am and how I sometimes just want to throw myself off a cliff, and they don't see it matching my persona. That's because I've sent the parts of my brain which tell me to behave that way to the back of the room, and to try not to listen to them.

I often speak about my depression as an entity, "my depression". Although obviously not literally true, I see it as an invader of sorts. A parasite. A bit of my brain that has been seized by a force that ultimately wants to destroy me. The problem is that my depression has full access to all of my brain, and so it is incredibly good at disguising itself as "normal" thought. It took me an awful long time to be able to tell the difference, but once I eventually managed it, I could highlight those thoughts as they appeared.

At my very worst, it felt like my depression controlled 99% of my brain/thoughts, leaving barely any of the "real me" in there. I felt utterly helpless. I don't know how I got through it, all I can say is that I fought against it tirelessly. With the help of medication, my wife and friends and therapy, I very slowly regained ground in my head. I was able to identify and "hold to account" thoughts in my head, to see which part of my brain they were coming from.

This is all just a story, it's my story. It's not at all meant as a "this is how you do it" method. I really do know how hard it is to fight depression, and you've been fighting it longer and harder than me. There never are easy answers. But every day you're still here, still fighting, you are winning! I'm sure we have both "turned down" thousands of easy exits. I wanted to die so badly that my brain was finding all kinds of insane justifications. It wanted my wife to die so that it wouldn't matter if I was here anymore. I wanted to get a terminal disease. I wanted to not have any responsibility for my actions. But just like me, you're here for others. I sincerely hope one day you'll be able to live for yourself a little bit, too Never write off the prospect!

As a general statement, in case it's not obvious, I'm not cured. Far from it. It's not black and white like that. It's about fighting for every inch you can reclaim.