Favorite Quotes by Comedians

[Rev. Rye]

Emo Phillips:
*New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
*When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
*A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

George Carlin:
*Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Some people think if you say some things they might happen. Some people are real fuckin' stupid. You ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into? Goddamn there's some stupid bastards out there. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you'll come up with twenty names by the end of the day. Think about this; think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.
*Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. You don't see Abbott and Costello running around, talking about this shit, do you? We're not hearing a whole lot from Mussolini on the subject. What's the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn thing. 'Cause JFK, Mussolini and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead. They're fucking dead. And dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. Only living people care about it so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. It's a self serving, man-made bullshit story.
*# You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.

Bill Hicks:
*You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years were rrreal fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.
*I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care … but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?
*"God put [dinosaur fossils] here to test our faith!" … I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. Does that bother anybody else, the idea that God might be fucking with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God runnin' around, [pantomimes digging] "We'll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!"
*When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked!

Groucho Marx:
You know what, just get "Duck Soup."