Why I Don't Want To Be An Atheist

[Edwardo Piet]

Why I don't want to be an atheist:
1. Because then I would have to think about things instead of having someone tell me what to think
2. Because it would make my mommy cry
3. Because I don't want to worship the devil
4. Because the though of sacrificing animals makes me queasy
5. Because I don't want to kill people
6. Because the devil is scary
7. Because when I think of death I poop a little
8. Because I'm really scared of things I don't understand
9. Because science is so hard!
10. Seriously, there's a lot of weird math in science!
11. Because it's so much easier to pretend things are going to be all right instead of having to fix them
12. Are you calling my mommy a liar?
13. Because the priest will call me into his office...alone...for a long time...alone...
14. Because I like to sing but I'm not good enough for karaoke, but at church you can't stop me
15. Because people at my church HAVE TO be my friend
16. Because I'm angry that gay people get to be gay even though I don't like it and if I didn't have religion as an excuse I'd just be an asshole
17. Because I want to feel like I know lots and lots of things but I don't actually want to learn stuff
18. Because atheists have to look up facts and stuff instead of just blindly repeating things they heard as fact and that seem hard
19. Because then I wouldn't be super special
20. Because when people make me mad I like to imagine my friend lighting them on fire and believe it's really going to happen so that I know that they will pay for making me mad
21. Because I really want to be a jerk to people who disagree with me and if I was an atheist I wouldn't get to pretend it was God's will, not just that I'm a petty dickhead
22. Because the world is scary and I'm scared of it so I need a super special friend to protect me
23. I could go on, but I like to stop here because I know very well that God is going to hurt you for making me mad anyway

I like this, my turn for some satire:

Why I don't want to be an atheist:

1. Because it hurts my whiny little mind to deny the existence of a Sky Daddy:
2. Because God is a dude and dudes have never fucked things up all over the fucking place.
3. Because I'm lazy and I don't like to think.
4. Because I'm lazy and I do like to preach.
5. Because I like the forgiveness of Jesus. I also like the way his dad likes to slaughter everyone to fucking death.
6. Because I don't know how to even spell comon senss.
7. Because my parents taught me that I'm a really shitty person and should feel guilty because God says so. And how can God say so and tell them so if he doesn't exist to tell them to guilt trip me?
8. Because circular reasoning reminds me of circles and circles reminds me of going round and round in a circle and that reminds me of a loop and a loop reminds me of how utterly fucking loopy I am to believe in such utter fucking shite.
9. because 9 squared is 81 and I like the number 81. And this is the 9th reason for why I don't want to be an atheist and 9 is the square route of that number that I like that I just mentioned. And only lovely old God with his cute fluffy beard floating on up high in the sky (with his face and body attached to it no doubt) would compel me to insert the beauty of my square route of my favey wavey number right here into this post.
10. Because this is the 10th reason and the number 10 makes me think of the 10th commandment WHICH GOD MADE.
11. Because "God" is "dog" backwards. A dog bit me once. Only Satan would allow such things. And God made Satan SO THERE!
12. Because being an atheist would require for me to deny the beautiful proof of all this obviousness for why God exists. He exist because... oh shut up and just let me whine and preach wholly babble. Oh! I mean the Holy Bible! The Holy Bible.
13. Because atheism is for people who like a kind of theism. How can atheism be a kind of theism? That makes no sense so therefore God exists and atheists are dumb.
14. Because I would rather have a brain transplant with an amoeba than be an atheist. Many of my friends say I've already had such a transplant but those friends aren't true friends because they're silly atheists who don't believe in my Sky Daddy.
15. Because atheism is for thinkers. "Thinkers" rhymes with "blinkers". I don't want my blinkers on. I want my thinkers on because I want to think, not like those silly dumb atheists.
16. Because being an atheist would mean to contradict myself less. I don't like contradicting myself less. I like to do it less often instead.
17. I don't want to be an atheist because evolution can not be realz. I mean, come on, how the hell could a fish evolve into an ostrich? We don't even SEE THEM MATING TOGETHER IN DISNEY MOVIES.
18. Because being an atheist means finding meaning in my life without delusion. Delusion is fun so why would I want that?
19. Because being an atheist means having my own values instead of taking it from religion. I like religion so I want meaning from there instead. Religion is great because it makes me feel all wibbly in my underwear when people preach utter fucking bullshit.
20. I could never be an atheist because this is the 20th reason why I couldn't be and 20 is double 10, 10 makes me think of 10 commandments again and God made that. Silly atheist.... DO YOU NEVER LEARN HOW TO READ THE BABBLE!
21. I like cheese.
22. The four horsemen of the Apocalypse is proof of God. They came until that anti-theistic alcoholic excellent debating journalist one that told me how bullshitty my religion is died. Anyways, four horsemen is proof of God. Especially when God killed one of them for using too much logical thinking and telling me why I'm so silly for believing in my religious shite.
23. Because I mean, seriously, I can't understand why I'd ever want to be an atheist. God would want me to understand if there was truly a reason. So there's no reason to be an atheist, and that lack of a reason is the best reason to never be one.
24. Because my mother told me atheism is silly.
25. Because my father told my mother to tell me atheism is silly.
26. Because God likes it when I believe in him and he hates atheism because he said the fool said in their heart that there is no silly Sky Daddy who sucks donkey balls through his power of nonexistence.
27. Because my uncle told me atheism is silly. I believe him. He gets drunk a lot and writes poetry. Poets are fun when drunk. Only God would allow such fun, and God disapproveth of atheism.
28. I could never be an atheist because I'm not an atheist so it wouldn't be me if I'd be an atheist it would be a person who wasn't one.
29. Because I like fallacies. I like to make all those fallacies why atheism is silly in addition to other fallacies. That addition in fallacies means extra fallacies. I like extra fallacies because I like extra things I like and fallacies I like.
30. I once met a man called Jacob. Jacob is in the Bible. Really, he is, go look. No seriously, he is, I'm not even making this up. Go read it now. You won't? Why not? That makes me sad you'll forever be an atheist and I don't want to be sad like you so I won't be an atheist.
31. I met a friend who became an atheist shortly after losing his faith. He was having an identity crisis and was very unhappy for a week. After that week until the day he died he found meaning in his life without God and was very happy, well up until the age of 96. But I want to ignore the happy part and focus on that week when he was unhappy after losing his faith because God wants me to be biased in his favor like that. So to me I just think of unhappy atheists because I ignore all the years when they're happy and focus on one bad week. This applies to all the atheists who have bad moments, not just this one friend I had who stopped being my friend after he lost his faith because I'm a religious sanctimonious judgemental shithead like that.... I can't be like those atheists with unhappy moments I focus on. Unhappy moments aren't nice. I want to be nice. That's why I end friendships when someone loses their faith because I'm a judgemental cunt.
32. Because being an atheist hurts my balls. I mean, I don't get ball pain and I'm not an atheist so if I was an atheist instead I WOULD get ballsy ballsy balls balls balls bollock pain... right? Right?!?! RIGHT?!?!?!
33: Because the previous reason was "32". That's 10 less than 42... 42 is the reason for life the universe and everything and 10 is biblical because 10 commandments. 32 is 10 LESS THAN 42 so that means 42 is less important than the 10 commandments because Christian logic. Why would I want to give up on my Christian logic by being a silly atheist?