The invention of scriptural faith
June 21, 2011 at 10:27 pm
(This post was last modified: June 21, 2011 at 10:30 pm by Arcos Plage.)
Once upon a time, about six million years ago, God and Satan were sitting in a rowboat, fishing the Pleistocene seas. God had a bit of a distracted look about him.
"I think I know what's bothering you," Satan ventured.
"Indeed?" God replied.
"It's those monkeys, the ones out on the plains, walking on two legs and figuring out how to bang rocks against each other and such. They are going to keep evolving, and soon they'll develop introspection, and higher levels of inquisitiveness."
God nodded. "And then," Satan gravely intoned, "they'll start bothering us for favors, fighting over whatever they think we'll find endearing."
"I suppose" God sighed, "sooner or later we're going to have to start letting some of those souls into Heaven, as well."
"I've though about that," Satan brightened up, "and I have a plan!!" From his rucksack, Satan produced a thick, black-covered book.
God accepted the book and began paging through it. "What's this?" God muttered, "it has everything out of order. The stars existed for billions of years before life on this planet, and.... flood the whole world? I'd never do such a thing!! Ordering one tribe to kill off the city of another? Sending bears to kill children? Demanding sacrifices?" He continued to page through, shaking his head. "And this part, where I have a son, who is at the same time myself, and then I sacrifice myself to myself to do I'm-not-sure-what about some original sin I supposedly lumped on man -- that whole part doesn't make a lick of sense!!"
"Exactly!!" crowed Satan. "Now, look, once we start letting souls into Heaven, we'll only want the reasonable, rational types there, otherwise it will be unbearable. So...." he lofted the book, "any who believe this sort of claptrap...."
"I see -- we send this book down, and then whoever's dumb enough or crazy enough, or just plain self-centered enough to buy into it gets a one-way ticket straight out of my eternal presence!!"
"And," Satan added, "just to be sure, I've put together a few dozen variations. All equally inane, but collectively sure to strain out anyone who can't muster the common sense to overcome the implications of the whole range of malarky."
"So," God pursed his lips, "that leaves just one loose end.... what to do with all the souls of the ones who believe this sort of nonsense?"
Satan had thought that through as well. "Most of these books posit some pretty brutal treatment for nonbelievers, and so anyone who does buy into the bull must come off being of the opinion that such is the proper outcome for whomever chooses poorly in the belief stakes. So, let them give themselves the experience of the torment they would think it fitting for others to go through."
"Hmmmm" God nodded thoughtfully -- and then mumbled another thought to himself. "Buy.... bull. Has a sort of ring to it."
And so it was.
The end.
"I think I know what's bothering you," Satan ventured.
"Indeed?" God replied.
"It's those monkeys, the ones out on the plains, walking on two legs and figuring out how to bang rocks against each other and such. They are going to keep evolving, and soon they'll develop introspection, and higher levels of inquisitiveness."
God nodded. "And then," Satan gravely intoned, "they'll start bothering us for favors, fighting over whatever they think we'll find endearing."
"I suppose" God sighed, "sooner or later we're going to have to start letting some of those souls into Heaven, as well."
"I've though about that," Satan brightened up, "and I have a plan!!" From his rucksack, Satan produced a thick, black-covered book.
God accepted the book and began paging through it. "What's this?" God muttered, "it has everything out of order. The stars existed for billions of years before life on this planet, and.... flood the whole world? I'd never do such a thing!! Ordering one tribe to kill off the city of another? Sending bears to kill children? Demanding sacrifices?" He continued to page through, shaking his head. "And this part, where I have a son, who is at the same time myself, and then I sacrifice myself to myself to do I'm-not-sure-what about some original sin I supposedly lumped on man -- that whole part doesn't make a lick of sense!!"
"Exactly!!" crowed Satan. "Now, look, once we start letting souls into Heaven, we'll only want the reasonable, rational types there, otherwise it will be unbearable. So...." he lofted the book, "any who believe this sort of claptrap...."
"I see -- we send this book down, and then whoever's dumb enough or crazy enough, or just plain self-centered enough to buy into it gets a one-way ticket straight out of my eternal presence!!"
"And," Satan added, "just to be sure, I've put together a few dozen variations. All equally inane, but collectively sure to strain out anyone who can't muster the common sense to overcome the implications of the whole range of malarky."
"So," God pursed his lips, "that leaves just one loose end.... what to do with all the souls of the ones who believe this sort of nonsense?"
Satan had thought that through as well. "Most of these books posit some pretty brutal treatment for nonbelievers, and so anyone who does buy into the bull must come off being of the opinion that such is the proper outcome for whomever chooses poorly in the belief stakes. So, let them give themselves the experience of the torment they would think it fitting for others to go through."
"Hmmmm" God nodded thoughtfully -- and then mumbled another thought to himself. "Buy.... bull. Has a sort of ring to it."
And so it was.
The end.
