(July 18, 2017 at 12:01 am)vorlon13 Wrote: I've mentioned before some ways it can, well, if not misfire, at least be puzzling and mysterious.
I had quite the infatuation with Dewey when we were dating off and on (usually off, btw) over a few years. Dewey picked up on it, and informed me it was infatuation; as I became less immature, I had a chance of experiencing actual love in regards to him, but I would need to experience some difficult aspects of life to understand him better, and then to have a better understanding of my feelings for him. Didn't follow that at the time, and he definitely explained it better than I just did, but it turned out he was right. And after I had been through some rough times, I saw how his rough times had 'molded' him, and then, years after having last seen him, realized who/what he was and found my feelings for him move from infatuation to the real deal.
Lotta good that did, he's gone for years, and THEN I fall in love with him. And since he's not around to (possibly) fuck it up, it seems this curious and delayed affliction will be a permanent part of me.
And then I encountered Brian. A wretched experience from the get go, I had not a happy moment in the brief times I was around him. He was always ill, or facing some awful medical procedure, or just looking gaunt and haggard, or somehow, through all that, radiating something that had a profound effect on me. It was as close as that hackneyed cliché, 'love at first sight' and then I compounded the problem by not recognizing it for what it was for a decade. I still had some funny ideas about how love would manifest, I thought there might be some bright moments, fun, happiness, joy, all the positive aspects of it as we've come to know it. Well, with Brian, no such positives accrued. It was a steady progression of him wasting away and then dying. I was aware Brian had a profound affect on me, I was just unable to correlate it with that damn 'L' word. Over a decade later, while driving of all things, I said out loud to myself, "What the fuck is it about Brian? It's not like I was in love with him . . . . "
R'uh r'oh.
One of those goddamn clue things has just popped up. So, I got my answer, and like Dewey, Brian is forever barred from ever doing anything to (perhaps) ever break the spell, so he too will be a life long affliction.
So if you're keeping score, falling in love with some one years after they moved on, and then next go round, being in love with someone for a decade and not rrecognizing the symptoms, and then there's John.
I knew John from work. Palled around with him and his wife, they are my 'reference' standard for a good (hetero) marriage. When they moved away, we met at a favorite restaurant (Lum's LOL!) and had a final luncheon. Throughout the meal, John became more and more visibly upset, his wife picking up on it more than I did. Towards the end, John said he needed to go outside for some air, and bolted for the door. His wife rapidly indicated for me to follow and she would take care of the table.
I go outside, and where's John? Go around the corner of the building, and he's leaning against the building sobbing.
"John?" I say, totally clueless what's going on. And then he's hugging me and continuing to cry.
Well, men don't usually wind up doing that in my presence, let alone pulling me into it for solace. Soon enough, his wife comes out, grabs him, drags him towards their car, and as she's doing so, looks back at me and in a totally normal voice says, "Stay in touch !" She gets John in the passenger seat, and then they drive away, never to be seen by me again.
I find my way to my car, and sit there a while. "What the fuck just happened?" I ask no one in particular. Years later I'm watching Brokeback Mountain. The seen where Ennis parts ways with Jack Twist for the first time and he melts down hits me like a bolt of lightning.
John has feelings for me?
(All together everyone)
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST !!!
$64 question arises, do I wish I had figured this out a few years sooner ? With John still around ? Jesus, how is that going to work? I'm Jack Twist to the man in the 'best' example of a hetero marriage I have ever encountered? What kind of fucked up planet is this ??
So, here's the trifecta: a perfectly nice man has spent quite a bit of time around me, developing some pretty significant feelings, and we are both unaware ??
And the icing on the cake, the wife surely figured it out before either of us.
Love stinks.
Oh wow, I mean, WOW.
I do not have enough experience with love to comment much but I can say, love probably does stink, for some people that is.
I've always heard it described like a drug.
I never knew what they really meant by it,
"Love gets you high"
"Love is like a drug"
But like a drug, there's bad things and experiences that come with it.
