New atheist here, gotta say, not loving it

[mordant]

It would appear, Rayden, that you are suffering from fairly severe clinical depression, and this is a "pre-existing" condition.

However, there is something going on that likely is separate from depression, and that is your looking at life and not being particularly impressed with it. In other words it's not a rational proposition that you would have signed on for in some contrived situation where you had it laid out for you in advance and were able to choose to experience your life, or not.

Some people are just blessed with "happy juice" / optimism and can't help but find life a trip. I am constitutionally incapable of it. Yet I am not clinically depressed, and never have been. I'm just not easily amused.

In my particular case this comes from being, by nature, an idealist. I see what I fancy life could / should / would be, but isn't, and I go, "meh".

I have had to work pretty hard on the realization that it falls to us to flex with / adapt to life, not the other way around. Idealism is basically insisting that life accommodate me, when in fact, life just IS. That I don't find it impressive or pleasurable isn't personal, and so I get to choose whether to suffer to to learn to be flexible.

In my experience it really does just come down to that. Life isn't purpose-built for either of us, it's merely a situation we find ourselves in.

Empirical observation demonstrates that people can and do find meaning, purpose, and even joy in life. Our job is to figure out how to hack our way into better mental states than we'd naturally experience without exerting any effort at all to modify our thinking.

So lesson #1 here is, tell yourself over and over again until you start to understand that it's true (because it is): LIFE ISN'T PERSONAL. This means both that you're not being picked on, and that it's not designed to your personal specifications, and you haven't got some sort of right to demand that it reform itself.

Lesson #2 is to avoid what I call "scope creep" (borrowing here from software engineering). Live within your true scope, which is, a mortal, finite, imperfect, and not at all important creature. This has the downside that you don't get to stroke your own ego in various ways but the distinct upside that it relieves you of a SHIT TON of responsibility. You don't have to impress everyone or save the world to be a success. You just have to be yourself.

Figure out who "yourself" is and start being true to that.

That's for starters.

If you're willing to embrace these basic ideas and undo your operant conditioning to the contrary (some of it enabled by religion, some not so much) then you're on your way to a better state of being.

I'm the furthest thing from a Pollyanna ... I just came to these realizations by a very arduous process that so far has taken me six decades. I'm trying to save you some time.

Hope this helps.

And for dog's sake, no one wants you to leave or asked you to do so or said that sharing your feelings was inappropriate. All that was said is we aren't qualified to treat depression and you should seek help for that. Apart from that, we're here for you.

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What's to be frightened of? When I was an atheist it felt like a burden had been lifted...initially at least.

Fear makes no sense. Emptiness does. No magical skydaddy to pray to, no magical heaven to go to

Just transient pleasures and transient pains and trying to care about others

Yes, "this too shall pass" is a great comfort if you let it be.

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Predatory christer recruiting tactics at their most vile.

Everyone take a good look. Most aren't as lacking in subtlety as this specimen.

Maybe, but I'm more than willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't do a drive-by posting, and he's engaging in a reasonable manner so far.

If that changes, fine ... in the meantime there's nothing to be threatened by.