MK, unless you caused real, actual harm to someone else (and I mean real, like mutilating their pet, committing sexual assault, shoving them down a well or in front of oncoming traffic), you're overblowing it. And even if you did something along those lines, beating yourself up over it now isn't helpful.
Here's the thing - adults don't give passes to children because they're inherently good. They do so because they're inherently innocent. They lack both knowledge and experience, and must have consistent guidance. Trying to hold your child self responsible for 'evil' as an adult is utterly unhealthy.
You keep claiming you see things clearly now, but I 100% don't buy it. I see a broken, miserable young man that's turned to religion in order to justify the negative feelings he has for himself. Someone who's afraid of forgiveness and joy because he thinks he's not worthy of it, and that allowing himself such small comforts will lead to something worse.
People have remarked and questioned about your old self. The guy who was going to school, who was trying to make a future for himself. This new version of you is, frankly, fucked up. And I'm not saying that for a cheap kudos or to be insulting. Something very obviously broke in you, and you (naturally) turned to your religion for help. The problem is that, instead, it's had a feedback effect.
You're now at the point where you think whatever you did as a kid - and I'm all but sure it wasn't actually a big deal - would've been worthy of suicide. That religious penance, to the point of not even enjoying food, is the only answer all these years later.
That. Is. Fucked. Up.
From one human to another, I implore that you seek help. Real help, not a deeper dive into the poison.
Here's the thing - adults don't give passes to children because they're inherently good. They do so because they're inherently innocent. They lack both knowledge and experience, and must have consistent guidance. Trying to hold your child self responsible for 'evil' as an adult is utterly unhealthy.
You keep claiming you see things clearly now, but I 100% don't buy it. I see a broken, miserable young man that's turned to religion in order to justify the negative feelings he has for himself. Someone who's afraid of forgiveness and joy because he thinks he's not worthy of it, and that allowing himself such small comforts will lead to something worse.
People have remarked and questioned about your old self. The guy who was going to school, who was trying to make a future for himself. This new version of you is, frankly, fucked up. And I'm not saying that for a cheap kudos or to be insulting. Something very obviously broke in you, and you (naturally) turned to your religion for help. The problem is that, instead, it's had a feedback effect.
You're now at the point where you think whatever you did as a kid - and I'm all but sure it wasn't actually a big deal - would've been worthy of suicide. That religious penance, to the point of not even enjoying food, is the only answer all these years later.
That. Is. Fucked. Up.
From one human to another, I implore that you seek help. Real help, not a deeper dive into the poison.
