(September 22, 2018 at 4:39 am)Dragonfly Wrote: Hello,
I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear.
I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.
If you have any guidance, please help me.
thanks,
dragonfly
Wow, that does sound really scary. I never had to "deconvert," so to speak, so I've never had this experience. Life as your own guiding force and being the one you have to answer to isn't so bad. It'll keep you true to yourself. It will just take some adjustment, I think. There are other ways to assuage your fears other than gods, or you can embrace your fear and live life accordingly. I can understand your fear, though. Nevertheless, living a lie your whole life has to be worse than this transition, so I hope you find comfort in that. We have a lot of "deconverts" here. They probably have more wisdom than I on the topic. Good luck, dragonfly.
