Hello, New atheist having a meltdown

[Dragonfly]

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

Hey Dragonfly,

I'm also Jewish, and as I was reading your post, I wondered what denomination you converted into. Some Jewish denominations are more like cultural clubs than religions, and even more religious denominations are less about beliefs and more about actions. I'm sorry that you got hurt like this.

I converted Conservative but was leaning to Orthodox with some of my beliefs. I still believed in a literal 6-day creation. I guess a lot of my beliefs from fundamentalist Christianity were carried over, too. I now live across the country from my sponsoring rabbi. He knows I've been having problems of some kind, and I promised I would call him after the high holidays. Now I am dreading it. I don't want to disappoint him or want him to try to persuade me to hang onto Judaism. I feel like I should keep my word. I'm trying to feel out how to approach promises now that I don't believe in God, for one thing. Maybe I'll just give it a while before calling him. I'm in a pretty fragile state right now. 

Thanks for your support. 

Hi, Dragonfly! Consider your earlier life and development to be like the nymphal stages, where you finally emerged at the last molting as an adult  dragonfly. I too felt quite a bit of angst when I realized I was an atheist, given the sort of opprobrium that they were given by the religious.

I like that illustration! Opprobrium, indeed (and I had to look that one up--great word!).