Hello, New atheist having a meltdown

[Dragonfly]

Khemikal,

Thanks for sharing your story. It does help to read your story and realize that grieving is still gut-wrenching for people of all faiths.

In my parents' church, the verse, "But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope," is stressed a lot around the time of death. I remember a couple of children whose parent had died, and they didn't even cry for days, if not ever. Even my mom said that it wasn't normal or healthy not to cry or grieve. When my atheist boyfriend's stepfather recently was dying, my mom said that she hoped he had God because otherwise she didn't know how a person could get through a thing like death. At their church funerals, there's a lot of preaching about the hope they have after death. Their website emphasizes not grieving "as those who don't have hope" and that the grief process is much easier to get through than if you don't have God. It never felt normal to me to hear singing about that glorious day that someone "went home to be with the Lord."

bold mine

This sounds a lot like seventh day adventists. If I'm right, it's no wonder why this is so tough on you.

I've read the rest of your posts and have a suggestion. You might try another psychologist (screened to weed out a theist) or even a psychiatrist. Maybe I'm giving your talk of depression/OCD/anxiety/intrusive thoughts to much weight, but if not, it might be worth a try (again).  

And in the long run, if it turns out you need a god (you get to make your own definition) in your life to be happy, then I'd rather you be happy. There is no sense ruining your life or being miserable over a philosophy or position. I'm awash in a sea of content/happy christians.

I see a psychiatrist about once a month, and the psychologist once every two weeks. The psychologist admitted she's biased (Christian) and said she's going to see if there's another therapist who can help me with my existential crisis. I don't think you're giving my OCD talk too much weight. My anxiety is through the roof. I don't know if that was caused by my examining my conditioning or preceded it. All I know is that it feels like I have to have all of the answers *right now!* or I won't be able to handle things if a loved one dies in the meantime. I'm clinging to every moment with my (atheist) boyfriend because I know our time is limited. My fears of Hell (in which I should not believe at this point given my rational mind's conclusion that it doesn't exist) are flooding me. I'm rocking, picking at my skin and nails. I can't seem to focus on anything else but what to believe in and what, if anything, will happen when I die. 

Yes, I am afraid that I might need to hang onto some semblance of god. I want to be someone who examines everything critically and makes judgments based on what is rational, but I don't seem to be doing very well at that so far.  

I'm very sorry to hear you suffer from anxiety and depression. These are things I know a lot about. I have been depressed for large portions of my life, including being close to suicidal for the last 10 years. My anxiety is sometimes so crippling that I can barely move or function. You have my deepest sympathy.

I've somehow managed to keep on fighting, while resisting the urge to succumb to drink or drugs, which would be my equivalent of a religious effect. I haven't killed myself, despite wanting to every day, by focusing on reasons not to, in my case my wife and pets.

I'm not suggesting you are suicidal and I certainly hope you're not, I just wanted to give an impression from someone who has managed without religion with similar problems. I can totally understand that religion has left a hole in your life, and that the natural reaction is to clamour for something to replace it.

Thank you. I do have suicidal thoughts from time to time, but I don't have a plan; it would hurt too many people.