Hello, New atheist having a meltdown

[HappySkeptic]

Hello, 

I was raised in an evangelical Christian fundamentalist home. Fourteen years ago I couldn't take it anymore but couldn't stand the feeling of being "nothing," and Judaism seemed to be a much kinder, truer religion, so I astonished my family by converting to Judaism. I fell away from Judaism over the years, got very religious again a couple of months ago, but just couldn't get anything out of it. Since Rosh Hashanah a couple of weeks ago, I really started searching. I talked with a rabbi, visited a church again and felt totally disillusioned. I've spent countless hours in the last week studying atheism, creationism, religion, philosophy, science, cosmology, evolution, myth, etc., and one by one my beliefs broke. Evolution happened, the world wasn't created in six days, the Big Bang happened, there is no God. I've been hanging onto a delusion out of fear. 

I just came to this realization tonight, and I feel absolutely devastated and lost. I'm a 50-year-old woman who's spent her life making choices based on religion. There is no God to comfort me, guide me, protect me, or intervene in my life. There is no Heaven. I will never see my family, friends, or pets again once they/I die. My entire schema for living has fallen apart. I feel devastated and terrified.  

If you have any guidance, please help me. 

thanks,

dragonfly

I'm a bit late in reply (as I just joined), but let me relate my experience.

I left my Anglican church of 30 years, 6 years ago.  It was both painful, and liberating.

I loved the people at my old church, and I enjoyed the experience, but like you, I lost my belief in an intervening God, and in life after death.  Perhaps the process was more gradual for me, as it took a few years of talking to Christians and atheists on another forum, before finally admitting that all faith was gone.  It was like some part of my life had died, and I was scared at what my wife and friends would think.  I just knew I needed to leave my church -- not because I disliked it, but because religion was in fact too important to me to lie to myself and others about it.

Then came the relief.  God wasn't watching over every perceived failing, and was not guilty of inaction when my 6 y/o nephew died of cancer.  There simply are not gods.  Hard-won scientific knowledge has given us a story of who we are, why we are, and cautions us about what we are capable of.  There is no fate but what we make (Terminator reference  ).

Yes, there is no heaven or hell, but somehow that doesn't scare me either.  The alternative was an eternity of nothing ever happening.  I never existed for the first 13.7 billion years of the universe, and I won't exist for the next trillions.  But, I and my loved ones were here, for a brief moment to know the universe, love, and be part of an interconnected web of humanity.  My own spiritual view is that every moment of every life has value, in that moment -- not for the outcome it will cause in the future, but just for that moment of witness of life itself.  I can cherish it, as I love those around me.  One lifetime, full of experience, is enough.

I haven't read the other comments, but I know you will come through this, and I and others here will be happy to help.

Take care.

---

Once I started reading books on atheism and posting at the Amazon atheist forum (which is now gone), the clouds cleared away.  After that, I never felt better.  Most of my fears and obsessions were left-overs from unreasonable religious ideas, which I quickly dropped.  It's like throwing away crutches which you really don't need anymore.

It was from posting for a few years on Amazon atheist and religion forums that I finally lost all belief.  I started by taking the atheist side of the argument against Christians who made poor arguments.  Then I realized that what I had posted was what I really believed.  I literally talked myself out everything I thought I believed, but really was skeptical about.  Cognitive dissonance is strong in the faithful.  When it broke down, I felt like I had control of reality again.

---

Despite my rationally not believing in God, I'm also having psychological abuse from my childhood surfacing. I think things like "now you've committed the unpardonable sin [by not believing], and at the Judgment when you die, Jesus will say 'I never knew you; depart from me,' and then I will be thrown in Hell. And another thought that "whoever denies me before men, I will also deny him before my Father in heaven." In short, all of my toxic, religious crap is surfacing even though my rational brain says it's not true. 

I guess I am having a breakdown. I have immense respect for all of you who are functioning so well in your unbelief. You're apparently much stronger than I am. I don't know how/if I will get through this.

Hugs. I am past the "fear" part of deconversion, but one bit of rationality threw it out the window for me.

Let's pretend there is a God.

Any God that doesn't understand why people of good will and character don't believe in him, isn't omniscient.
Any God that can't seem to alleviate suffering in the world, and doesn't seem to actually do anything provable, isn't omnipotent.
Any God that punishes people for eternity for the crime of unbelief is not omnibenevolent.

Because the god of the bible is claimed by theologians to be all 3 of these things, I can conclude that either God doesn't exist, or theologians don't have an f-ing clue what this God entity they talk about, is. If there is a God, it probably either doesn't care or know anything about us, or thinks Christian theology is really messed up.