IF you deconverted in midlife, can you help?

[Abaddon_ire]

I’m 50.

Yay, me too. So what. You are acting like a child. That may seem to you to be an insult, but it isn't. What keeps me feeling young is indulging my inner child. The difference between us is that I do not feel any need to bully the shit out of other people.

I think the OP is better off accepting some sort of intellectual compromise instead of going through a bunch of existential angst at this point.

Your journey is not his journey. Why you insist upon that being so is anyone's guess. My guess is that you have issues.

WTF if you’re uncomfortable with atheism fuck it. It’s not like my disbelief does me any fucking good.

Jealous much? I'm an atheist some 40 years, but I am not a dick about it. You seem to be determined to be a dick about it.
why?

In Denial of Death Becker breaks down Kierkegaard to something like believing stupid shit is simply better and easier for most people.

Fukkem. Why should I care about those blokes? They can all go die in an existential fire for all I care. Why do you care about them?

Maybe the OP could just be like well this shit doesn’t make sense but whatever god is beyond our understanding. I trust in a loving god and I’m going to heaven. Easy peezy. Billions do it, in fact. Give the ol noodle a break

Why are you then trying your hardest to discourage anyone from leaving the "faith"?

Ab- if you think I’m a closet theist I’m not

The evidence is otherwise and you now have an evidential mountain to climb. Fact is, I think you are a god-bothering wolf in sheep's clothing. Pretending to be a militant atheist in order to herd your flock back into the fold of superstitious nonsense.

Am I wrong? Demonstrate that I am.