IF you deconverted in midlife, can you help?

[Angrboda]

You've lost things. Grieving is a natural reaction to that. You're in an odd position in that, presumably, if you could change ever so slightly, you might regain what you've lost, and no longer have to grieve. The question is would you do that, even if you could. Your grief may resolve itself slowly or quickly. When we're grieving we always want it to go away sooner rather than later.

I may have feared death at one time, if I did, I don't remember it. I came to religion after childhood, and my religious influences were Taoism and Hinduism, so I lost different things in coming to an end of my faith. But I remember when I was 16 coming to the realization that I would never accomplish anything great (I was recognized for my mathematical ability, so it would have been math). I recognized the reality of my position, and that I was powerless to really change that fact. It saddened me at the time, but there really was no option other than to get over it. Some things you just cannot change.

I would disagree with the idea that fearing hell is naturally irrational. When I venture into the woods, I naturally fear the possibility that I might run into a bear and get attacked. There may not be any bears in the woods where I am, but I'm still going to be cautious, just because of the possibility that a bear might be nearby. The mere possibility provokes feelings in us that denying the possibility really can't eliminate. We're reminded of this when we're faced with Pascal's Wager and the idea of hell, there is no way to completely extinguish that worry about "what if we're wrong?" A while back, there was a challenge to explicitly deny the holy spirit, as that supposedly is the one unforgivable sin. I found myself being very hesitant with regard to the idea. I was raised with the idea of God and no matter how rational I became, the possibility of God will always be a live one for me, emotionally. I don't really fear hell, but the latter, yeah that would make me uncomfortable.

It reminds me of people who say that they wouldn't worship God even if he were shown to exist. That they would stand on principle and suffer eternal damnation instead of giving in to the bully. Me, I'm not made of such stern stuff. Threaten me with eternal suffering, and I'll readily agree to a lot of things. If I have a way of avoiding mere torture, say at the hands of the BTK killer, I'll take it. Being afraid of something, if the concept of hell is still as vivid to you as God is to me, it seems eminently reasonable to be afraid. I can't tell you whether you will or won't come to terms with that over time, but I see nothing irrational about having that fear even though you don't believe. I'll still tread lightly in the woods, no matter how many assurances I receive about how safe it is.